Category: Culture

Some Guy vs McDonald’s

mcdonald

As I wrote on Tuesday, our world is going crazy.  And the sad thing is we’re not even “slouching towards Bethlehem” in a dignified, poetic journey to the apocalypse.  No, not us!  We’re twittering around Wonderland in a Johnny Depp-esque rendition of the Mad Hatter’s Tea Party – utterly convinced we’re on the road to salvation.  Let me give you yet another example.

Some guy in Quebec, Canada is suing McDonald’s because, he alleges, they are breaking Quebec law by advertising their Happy Meals™ directly at children.  Whoa!  I’m no expert on marketing, but I’m fairly certain that when a restaurant gives away toys with its food and has a clown as its spokesperson, children are involved somewhere.  Anyway, Monsieur Bramante, a father of three kids under 13, came to the same conclusion and decided somebody should do something about this – and that he was just the boy.  He hired a lawyer (on spec, probably) and launched a Class Action Suit.  M. Bramante maintains that he, his family and anybody else who’s ever bought a Happy Meal™ are being victimized by McDonald’s flagrant flaunting of the law.  According to court documents, he says he “eats at McDonald’s about once every two weeks on the urging of his children.”  Plus, he estimates that he has spent hundreds of dollars on Happy Meals™ over the years.

So, what’s wrong with this picture?  Sounds pretty typical, for the 21st century — find some corporate Goliath and go David on their ass for media attention, fun and, perhaps, profit.  Unfortunately, there are a couple of flies in the ointment.

First of all, suing somebody just because they suggest you buy their product is ludicrous.  Unlike death and taxes, McDonald’s is not inevitable.  You don’t have to go there.  Like drugs, you can tell your kids to “Just say no!”

Secondly, you’re the dad!  No matter how much they “urge” you, taking nutritional directions from your kids is not a good idea.  There’s a reason we don’t allow children to vote, drive or operate heavy machinery.  Duh!  Counting on them to decide what (and where) the family eats is exactly ass-backwards.

Finally, and here’s the WTF moment: YOU’RE THE DAD!  Your kids may very well have motivation to go to McDonald’s but if they end up there, you’re the one providing them with the means and opportunity.  What’s wrong with you?  Downloading the responsibility onto Ronald McDonald doesn’t cut it.  Honestly, you need to spend a little less time dicking around in the legal system and a lot more time being the parent.

No wonder half the people on this planet want to blow us up!

Black Friday 2018

black friday

Unless you live on Jupiter, you know that today in America (and increasingly around the world) it’s Black Friday.  This is an annual orgasm of consumer culture that has psychologists, sociologists, anthropologists and bloggers like me bursting at the seams with explanations of why ordinary people go nuts every 4th Friday in November.  The truth is people can’t help it.  We have culture, history and our own DNA working against us.

First of all, humans are essentially hunter/gatherers.  No matter how far out of the caves we think we’ve come, just go to somebody’s house and take a look around.  What you see is a lifetime of hunting for and gathering up loads of stuff that, for the most part, we don’t need.  The fact is, many of us have gathered up so much crap that we have to pack some of it in boxes and hide it in the basement.  Yeah, yeah, yeah: we all want to eat, sleep and watch TV out of the rain, but one of the main reasons we even have houses (the bigger, the better) is to store our stuff.  And we put locks on the doors just in case another hunter/gatherer wanders by and decides to add to his collection by stealing from ours.  Black Friday is just an elaborate hunting expedition where the weapons of choice are credit cards — not spears.

Second, humans are social animals.  We run in herds, and anyone who’s studied herd behaviour will tell you that, once the herd starts moving, it’s pretty hard to stop.  And … the difference between a meandering flock and a ferocious stampede is just a couple of boys in the back thinking they’re going to get left out.  Push comes to shove, and suddenly, Morgan, from your yoga class, is elbowing old ladies out of the way to get at the 60-inch TVs.  Black Friday is just the kind of limited time offer that triggers this herd mentality.

And finally, all human society is built on the bargain.  It’s in our DNA somewhere.  Even the most primitive, egalitarian, every-hand-in-the-pot people are looking for a deal.  Nobody, anywhere, has ever said, “Eddie Bonenose wanted two chickens for his daughter, but I talked him into taking three.”  Never happens!  And retailers know this, so discounts (real or imagined) are everywhere — sales, coupons, 2-for-1, Happy Hour – the only things that never go on sale, these days, are the Church and Apple Computers — and they’re both banking on religion to suck us in.  Anyway, Black Friday is the ultimate something-for-nothing day that satisfies this primitive urge.  No wonder people love it!

Personally, I think Black Friday, like New Year’s Eve, is basically amateur hour, so I don’t participate, but for those who do – I’m pretty sure you’re just fulfilling your cultural, historical and genetic imperative.  Good on ya!

Diamonds Are Valuable?

diamonds

Last week, Henry Winston Co. bought a diamond for $50,000,000.00.  Holy crap!  That’s a lot of zeroes for what is essentially a barbeque briquette.  (FYI – diamonds are really just uber-squashed coal.)  The auction took less than five minutes, and the price was a record for “one of the world’s greatest diamonds.”  Clearly, I don’t run in those circles because, even though I’ve heard of the Hope Diamond and the Koh-i-Noor, I had no idea this little bauble existed.  (And, honestly, in a couple of weeks I’m going to forget all about it.)  It’s not that I am so airy-fairy (artsy-fartsy?) that I’m not impressed by 50 million bucks – like most (honest) people — I am, but, the truth is I don’t value jewelry.

This isn’t a judgement call.  I have no philosophical problem with Meryl Streep wearing a bracelet worth twice the price of my Toyota or George Clooney giving Amal a rock that could, theoretically, feed a Malawian village from now until the end of time.  If that’s what they value – so be it.  It’s just not my thing.

To put this into perspective, I don’t value knives, either.  (I’m not a chef.)  Or wrenches.  (I’m not a mechanic.)  Or the going rate for a PGA golfer.  (I’ve never been a fan.)  My point is that value, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.  So, who the hell beholds 50 million dollars’ worth of anything?   To be perfectly honest, I can’t even comprehend 50 million!  Dollars, cats, rats, one-eyed waddling penguins?  That’s just too many to count.  Do they fill five football fields?  Or laid end to end, do they stretch in a line from Paris to Marseille?  (Frankly, for that kind of money – somebody better get laid!)

Oscar Wilde once said a cynic was “a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.”  Luckily, our world hasn’t totally succumbed to that — yet.   The stuff most people value – friends, family, love, laughter, etc. – still don’t have a price tag.

“OMG! WalMart is having a sale on parents.  I’ve had these ones for years, and they’re gettin’ kinda old and grouchy.  I think I’ll go down and pick up a new pair.”

“I can’t wait for Black Friday to get a bunch of cheap friends to come to my Christmas party.”

“How much for dinner and a movie?”

That last one might be a little too close to home for some people … but … you get my meaning.