Summer 2020

I may have mentioned in these pages that I’m not very fond of summer.  As my least favourite season, I’ve even been known to complain about it.  Plus, every year around Labour Day, I jump the gun and start singing the praises of autumn.  And – well – this year isn’t going to be any different, except … I have a confession to make.  The summer of 2020 hasn’t been all that bad.  That’s right, the worst summer this planet has seen since Marvin the Mongolian brought his pet rats to Genoa in 1347, was actually not as godawful as originally advertised.  Hold it!  Before you start gathering the torches and pitchforks, hear me out!  Here are a few reasons why, even though the Summer 2020 isn’t anything I ever want to do again, it was certainly better than expected.

We’re learning social distancing

1 – People kept their clothes on.  Normally, summers are awash with untethered flesh, wiggling and jiggling and … “Oh, God! My Eyes!”  I don’t know what happened, but somehow a lot of us started channeling our inner dignity.   

2 – We discovered what the word “brave” really means, and it’s got nothing to do with some celebrity playing victim on Twitter for twenty minutes.

3 – And speaking of celebrities, wasn’t it cool when they all shut up and went home?

4 – There were more regular people on the streets — walking, running, riding their bikes — and even though they kept their distance, they were friendly.  Neighbours waved to each other, asked how things were going and called each other by their first names.  (I didn’t even know the guy down the street had a name.)

5 – There was, on occasion, quiet.  The parks and beaches and backyards weren’t constantly haunch to paunch with obnoxious crowds of loudmouths, cremating their meat to the 4,000 decimal beat of a heart/lung machine that somebody once mistakenly called “music.”

6 – It didn’t feel quite so hot without those penis envy motorcycles roaring through the afternoon like recently castrated lions.

7 – Zoom

8 – Professional sports didn’t show up until later, so we didn’t have to endure an endless, meaningless, boring parade of nobody-cares-who-wins baseball games.

9 – We all began finding out how much junk we’ve accumulated over the years, and not just useless household junk — emotional junk, lifestyle junk, ideas junk, even people junk.  Last spring our world got ambushed and a bunch of stuff changed, so most of us have spent the summer — consciously or unconsciously — reassessing what’s important in our lives and what’s just junk.

And because of that:

10 – Even though it might not feel good right now, the best thing to happen this summer is a lot of people started thinking about, talking about and trying to do something about things that actually matter.

Everything Is About Sex

couple

Everything in life is about sex!  Don’t believe me?  Just take a moment, forget the warped sense of sexuality the 21st century has forced upon us (50 Shades of Grey? I’m laughing!) and remember a time before half-baked academics got hold of the word — a time when Lady Chatterley had a lover, Maurice had a happy ending and Anais Nin wrote porn by the page.  Now, are you sitting comfortably?   Then we can begin.  Take a read on the following 15 statements and decide for yourself which ones are categorically wrong.  Not kinda, not maybe, but categorically wrong.  Good luck!

1 — Conversations are like sex — If the other person hasn’t made a noise in a while, they’re not interested.

2 – Reading a menu is like sex – Something might have a fancy French name but if you don’t know what you’re going to get, you better not order it.

3 — Cars are like sex — There’s a standard model, but there are always a number of interesting options available.

4 — Picking your nose is like sex — You really don’t want to get caught doing it in an elevator.

5 — Sports are like sex — Yeah, it’s fun to watch it on TV, but it’s way better if you’re actually playing the game.

6 — Dancing is like sex – Duh!

7 — The Internet is like sex – You need to be careful when you go exploring, or you’ll end up at 1:30 in the morning with nothing to show for it but a vague sense of regret.

8 — Fast Food is like sex – Sometimes you’re looking for something quick and easy cuz you’ve got a lot of other things to do.

9 — Visiting your in-laws is like sex – You know it’s important to your partner, but sometimes you just want to get it over with.

10 — Customer service is like sex – If you don’t get the attention you think you deserve, you’re upset about it.

11 — Grocery shopping is like sex – If you can’t find the one item you went for, it feels like the whole trip was wasted, but it’s too much trouble to keep looking — so – close enough!

12 – Cleaning the house is like sex – You may have spent hours doing this amazingly thorough job on Saturday, but by Thursday, you’re kinda thinking maybe you should do it again.

13 – Having a cat is like sex – Yeah, it’s warm and cuddly and purring, but do you really know what’s going on in that feline’s mind?

14 – Playing the piano is like sex – You can practice all you want, but if you don’t love what you’re doing, you’ll never be any good at it.

And finally:

15 — Riding a bicycle is like sex – You never forget how, but if you haven’t done it for a while, it’s going to hurt the next day.

I rest my case!

The World Keeps Turning – II

hold my beer

Here in isolation, we’re all finding creative ways to cope with social distancing.  I’ve started talking to the telemarketers.  Charlie from One World TechCom is nice; he just had a baby.  So, the world keeps turning.  Here are just a few things that happened this week.

A couple of days ago, supply outstripped demand and the price of crude oil fell below zero.  Let me give that to you again – BELOW ZERO.  In other words, oil companies were paying people to cart the stuff away.  One wonders how the international markets handled this.  After all, oil has been the price of doing business on this planet since the Saudis first held us hostage back in 1973.  (Shoe’s on the other foot now, huh, Salman?)  I can’t wait until Samsung starts giving away a free barrel of oil with every purchase of a big screen TV.

Travellers in Canada are now required to wear masks in airports and on all flights – foreign and domestic.  Hold it!  I can’t go across the street to get my hair cut because it’s a non-essential journey, and somebody is jetting off to somewhere because … Why?  Where could they possibly be going?  For God sake, the entire planet’s closed — except the factories in Wuhan, China.  And, trust me, you can get any of the junk they’re manufacturing delivered from Amazon.

And speaking of China, Missouri is suing China because they allege the Chinese government willfully “lied to the world and silenced whistleblowers” about Covid-19.  Good luck with that!  Folks!  You’re suing a country that has a couple of million Muslims in re-education camps, has armed troops all over Tibet, kicks the crap out of Hong Kong protesters every weekend, threw a Nobel Prize winner in jail and regularly conducts organ transplants where the Falun Gong donors are not notified.  I doubt very much if a subpoena from the Show Me state is going to carry any weight.

And finally:

Chutzpah has a new World Champion.  Apparently, Sir Richard Branson, the Grand Poobah of Virgin Everything, is in financial difficulties.  His various airlines are going broke.  In fact, it’s gotten so bad that Branson has offered his private Caribbean island, Necker, as collateral for a $500 million UK government loan.  This is a dire situation.  However, let’s review the facts.  Forbes estimates Sir Richard’s net worth is somewhere north of 5 billion dollars.  He doesn’t pay any tax on it cuz he lives in the Virgin Islands where he moved a couple of years after he was convicted of tax evasion.  He owns everything with a Virgin label on it and has enough money to build a spaceship (LauncherOne.)  That’s right!  A spaceship!  However, he figures that to keep all this going, he needs UK taxpayers to pony up some big bucks.  Hey, Dick!  Here’s an idea: use some of your own money and bail yourself out — that’s what the rest of us are doing.