Category: Culture

Social Media: Where The Wild Things Are

gorillaNobody likes a dead gorilla.  And regardless of which side of the primate debate you’re on, it’s too bad Harambe had to take a bullet.  I don’t know any of the particulars of what happened in Cincinnati because, quite honestly, when I see Animal Rights going toe-to-toe with the Cult of Mom, I look for a place to hide.  However, these unfortunate events have made it abundantly clear that, here in the 21st century, a number of people are repainting reality to satisfy their own personal colour scheme.

To all the gorilla whisperers:  Look!  You can’t figure out what your husband wants for his birthday, your girlfriend likes in bed or why your brother married that idiot!  What makes you think you can determine the intentions of a creature you didn’t even know existed a week ago?  You’re not even the same species!!!!  Besides (and this is a biggie) gorillas are wild animals and WILD animals are unpredictable.  Don’t believe me?  Just ask Steve Irwin or Roy Horn, a couple of guys who worked with animals for decades and still ended up on the receiving end of some serious erratic behaviour.  Anyone confidently explaining what a 400 lb silverback gorilla is thinking is actually telling me one thing, though — somebody’s ego is totally out of control.

To parents:  Children are not supposed to end up in the gorilla enclosure.  It’s like juggling knives, taking candy from strangers or playing on the freeway.  These are all things kids aren’t supposed to do.  Parents, you need to know this stuff.  I’m sure it’s written down — somewhere.  And if you’re still confused, google it — it’s important.  Plus, you need to remember who the adults are.  You’re in charge.  You’re bigger, faster, stronger, and — in most cases — smarter than your kid. You need to use these superior skills to keep him or her safe — by any means necessary.  If you’re not prepared to do that, or are simply not up to the task, you should definitely consider putting condoms on the shopping list — Item #1.

And finally:

To the Social Media Mob:  All of you need to get a grip, get a life and get some professional help — seriously.

The Death Of Common Sense

common senseIt is with great sadness that I must announce the death of Common Sense.  Even though Common Sense had suffered from a debilitating illness for many years, few, if any of us, realized it was terminal — until it was too late.  Early reports say that it was not one massive act of utter Stupidity that killed Common Sense but years of petty Ignorance that simply destroyed Common Sense’s will to live.  Common Sense was predeceased by its lifelong partner, Pragmatism, and is survived by its children, Reason and Logic, who have vowed to continue their parents’ work.  Our thoughts and prayers are with the family at this time.

There is no clear record of the birth of Common Sense, but there are numerous documented examples of its accomplishments throughout human history.  Unfortunately, despite these many accolades, these days, Common Sense’s abilities and achievements are largely ignored.  And while it’s true some older people still remember Common Sense, it’s difficult for most people to imagine that Common Sense once practically ruled the world and had many devoted followers.  Sadly, those days are gone — perhaps forever.

Clearly, however, not everyone is saddened by this tragedy.  Politically Correct immediately took to Social Media to celebrate the demise of their greatest foe.

“Fry in Hell, Common Sense!”

“We totally reject the so-called ‘Common Sense Approach’ to problem solving.  Solutions do nothing to promote awareness of the issues.”

“Ding Dong! Descartes is Dead.
Ideology cut off his head.
Ding Dong! Rene Descartes is dead.”

“Very uncool to use the ‘D’ word — and completely insensitive to people who have experienced (or will eventually experience) loss when friends or family pass.”

“Common Sense was an antiquated relic of the Eurocentric Enlightenment that has no place in our contemporary, ideologically diverse world.”

“Although we do not support Stupidity and Ignorance, we do recognize their legitimate struggle to reshape the narrative away from Common Sense’s solution-based agenda.”

“Aristotle was a misogynist, a xenophobic racist and probably a slave owner, and we call on all educators and pedagogues to stand together and erase his name from the curriculum.  We also call on all institutions of higher learning to remove his likeness or graven image from their physical environment.

“Reason & Logic — u r next!”

As yet, no funeral arrangements have been made, but it was Common Sense’s dying wish to be buried alongside Humour, Satire and Irony, childhood friends who were brutally murdered during the Culture Wars of the 1990s.

In lieu of flowers, the family has requested that mourners turn off Twitter and Facebook for A Moment of Cyber-Silence in memory of Common Sense’s ability to elevate the conversation beyond Internet trolling.

Rest In Peace, Common Sense.  You will be missed.

Selfies — Snapshots Of Who We Are

selfie
My Only Selfie

Although not all of us are addicted to taking endless self portraits, the Selfie is as common in our society as the codpiece once was in the Elizabethan world.  It’s our public face in Cyberspace.  It tells the world what we think of ourselves.  We do it to denote major events in our lives, trivial occurrences and pure boredom.  It’s the one thing we can say when we have nothing to say.  However, the selfie also offers some serious insights into our contemporary culture.

One — The selfie is documented proof that there’s a ton of people on this planet who actually believe they’re creative, imaginative and witty.  Unfortunately, the selfie is a doubled-edged sword — it also proves they’re not.  Perhaps the Duckface, the Rocker Devil Horns or the Gangsta Thug Crotch were brilliant and unique the first 50 million times they were done, but since then?  Not so much.  Likewise, nobody’s fooled by Photoshopped boobs anymore and half-naked photos in the toilet mirror aren’t actually sexy.  Think about it — it’s where you go to poop!  Oh, and BTW, holding up or kicking down the Leaning Tower of Pisa has been done to death.  For God’s sake!  Give it a rest!

Two — Like the Elizabethan codpiece, selfies are an In-Your-Face demonstration of just how bloated our egos have become.  Our Shakespearean ancestors thought strapping on an enormous strap-on was telling the world they were cool, trending,  popular and sexy.  The contemporary selfie works the same way.  Yes, it’s impossible to ignore, but there’s nothing particularly appealing about it, either.  There isn’t a whole lot of difference between a 16th century dandy striding around wearing the latest in See-My-Dick fashions and a 21st century millennial posting endless “See me, Seeee Meee, SEE ME!” photos of themselves at the bakery, waiting for a bus or eating a hot dog.  In fact, it takes exactly the same amount of over-inflated ego to think anybody even cares.  Look, there are seven billion people in this world, and the only reason the vast majority of them even look at selfies anymore is to find the hilarious ones.

And finally:

Three — The selfie, by its very name, indicates you have no friends — or at least no friends who like you enough to take your photograph.  How’s that for an ego killer?