Nobody likes a dead gorilla. And regardless of which side of the primate debate you’re on, it’s too bad Harambe had to take a bullet. I don’t know any of the particulars of what happened in Cincinnati because, quite honestly, when I see Animal Rights going toe-to-toe with the Cult of Mom, I look for a place to hide. However, these unfortunate events have made it abundantly clear that, here in the 21st century, a number of people are repainting reality to satisfy their own personal colour scheme.
To all the gorilla whisperers: Look! You can’t figure out what your husband wants for his birthday, your girlfriend likes in bed or why your brother married that idiot! What makes you think you can determine the intentions of a creature you didn’t even know existed a week ago? You’re not even the same species!!!! Besides (and this is a biggie) gorillas are wild animals and WILD animals are unpredictable. Don’t believe me? Just ask Steve Irwin or Roy Horn, a couple of guys who worked with animals for decades and still ended up on the receiving end of some serious erratic behaviour. Anyone confidently explaining what a 400 lb silverback gorilla is thinking is actually telling me one thing, though — somebody’s ego is totally out of control.
To parents: Children are not supposed to end up in the gorilla enclosure. It’s like juggling knives, taking candy from strangers or playing on the freeway. These are all things kids aren’t supposed to do. Parents, you need to know this stuff. I’m sure it’s written down — somewhere. And if you’re still confused, google it — it’s important. Plus, you need to remember who the adults are. You’re in charge. You’re bigger, faster, stronger, and — in most cases — smarter than your kid. You need to use these superior skills to keep him or her safe — by any means necessary. If you’re not prepared to do that, or are simply not up to the task, you should definitely consider putting condoms on the shopping list — Item #1.
To the Social Media Mob: All of you need to get a grip, get a life and get some professional help — seriously.