Paleo-feminist Germaine Greer certainly has a lot to say these days, including, “Just because you lop off your dick and then wear a dress, doesn’t make you a fucking woman.” Nice try. Ms. Greer! You are clearly disagreeing with the transgender community — that’s called transphobia. Have you ever had your dick lopped off? I think not.
It’s pretty safe to say that Germaine Greer doesn’t have a clue what contemporary feminism is all about. Her book The Female Eunuch was written 45 years ago, and here — in the 21st century — feminist priorities are different. For example, when asked what the hardest thing about being a woman in 2015 was, Caitlyn Jenner, Glamour Magazine‘s Woman of the Year replied, “Figuring out what to wear.” It’s obvious that the world has moved on since the days when economic and political inequality dominated the feminist narrative. Shaved legs and push-up bras are back in style, Ms. Greer. Have you ever been named Glamour Magazine‘s Woman of the Year? I think not.
The Female Eunuch may have been a manifesto of gender equality back in the day, but most contemporary feminists have probably never read it. Today’s feminism is more about inclusion that strives to shape all women (including transgender women) into one single, unified voice. That’s why more than 3,000 people at Cardiff University signed a petition which demanded Ms. Greer not be allowed to speak at that institute of higher learning. Sadly, Greer refused to bend under the pressure and spoke anyway. But what do you expect from a woman who once willingly battled arch-conservative William F. Buckley in a debate at Oxford University, when clearly, contemporary feminists would never have allowed Buckley and his knuckle-dragging views on campus in the first place? Today, many feminists stand together to silence unacceptable views and opinions, Ms Greer. Do you support these women? I think not.
This is 2015. Germaine Greer is a 76-year-old privileged white academic. Throughout history, the opinions of old ladies have usually been overlooked or ignored. On the other hand, Caitlyn Jenner is, by definition, a female eunuch. And it seems, for the foreseeable future anyway, the Kardashian women will be setting the feminist agenda. Oh, God! I hope not!
Friday the 13th is written in a language we don’t like to speak anymore. It comes from a time when the world was lit only by fire, and just beyond the reach of the flames, the darkness was real. A vast living black, it sent its shadows to the edge of our light to watch us and whisper and wait. It was a time when evil didn’t sleep, and if we were careless. it would creep closer and we could feel its bone-cold chill touching at our clothes. Friday the 13th was born when luck was a marvel and a mischief, and we still believed there were things that we couldn’t see. Because that’s what all superstitions are: the unseen faith that we are not helpless in the face of overwhelming darkness.
These days, we are bloated with science, blinded with light and deafened by our own noise. We live by the reflected glow of our technology and think our vast machines will keep the darkness at bay indefinitely. But the truth is we have a cultural memory of the old gods. In the cold, dark soul of 4 o’clock in the morning, we still answer to them. We might not like it — or even consciously know it — but we still believe that they offer us luck, but they can also take it away. Superstitions, like Friday the 13th, remind us that the old gods are still there and that:
“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” (Hamlet.I.5)
None of our contemporary arrogance can change that because even though we might not be afraid of the dark anymore, we’re still afraid of what’s in it.
Okay, I’ve had enough! Hallowe’en is one of the coolest holidays on the calendar, but lately it’s been disintegrating into a dress-up party for icky people. Maybe it’s just the sugar shock, but I don’t care. Folks, there are rules to these things! For God’s sake, take a minute and think about what you’re doing before you go out and make a jackass of yourself this October 31st. So, once again, here are a few guidelines.
First and foremost:
Halloween is scary, not gory. If your costume features internal organs, four pints of fake blood or a severed limb, you’re not doing it right. Mutilation is not frightening; it’s gross. It amazes me that the very parents who call in the grief counsellors when their child discovers the goldfish is dead will stick a fake chainsaw through their abdomen, smear themselves with enough guts and blood to sicken Jack the Ripper and congratulate themselves on their imagination. People, your kids can see you!
Secondly, sex:
Ladies, a one-piece, French-cut bathing suit is not a costume. Nor do furry ears and fishnet stockings turn you into a cat, dog, bunny, wolverine or dingo. And that goes double for those little red rayon devil horns.
Likewise Couples! Yeah, yeah, yeah, you’re just a couple of wild and crazy kids, but the Nut ‘n’ Bolt or Plug ‘n’ Socket costumes are totally overdone. Everybody knows you two have sex — you’ve been living together for 8 years and you’ve got 2 kids. Give the nudge/nudge, wink/wink innuendo costumes a rest!
And Gentlemen, exaggerated genitals are just nasty.
In short, remember there’s a noticeable difference between sexy and smutty. If the button-down woman from Accounting comes to the party as Scheherazade – that might be stereotypical, but it’s sexy. If Roger from sales shows up as the Genie with a magic lamp glued to his crotch, that’s just smut.
And speaking of sexy, Little Bo Peep, Little Red Riding Hood and Little Miss Muffet are not sluts – they’re storybook characters. The operative word here is “little.” There’s nothing wrong with risque on Hallowe’en, but there are plenty of grown-up women to choose from, like Pocahontas, Maid Marian or that scary chick from The Avengers.
Now for some don’ts:
If Mother Nature and Happy Meals™ have made you the Fat Elvis, do not dress up as the skinny Elvis. That’s just sad. Go for the sequins — not the leather. Otherwise, you’ll look like a hyper-extended Italian handbag. Basically, (and this goes for all costumes) you need to use that full length mirror before you prance out of the house on Hallowe’en.
Priests, nuns and the Pope are not costumes – they’re part of a religion. Honestly, would you go to a Hallowe’en party dressed as a Lutheran or the Archbishop of Canterbury? If you’re going to make fun of somebody’s faith, pick on the Moslems: they bite back.
Don’t let your kid get carried away. For example, a ten-year-old in a Lady Gaga extravaganza is beyond inappropriate. Lay out some ground rules for Jane Jr. or you’re going to end up hating each other when she finally gets to therapy.
Never, never, never, under any circumstances, put a costume on your pet. That is just mean. Dogs, cats, ferrets, budgies and, smart as they are, even pot-bellied pigs don’t know it’s Hallowe’en, and they trust you. Don’t make them look stupid. (Where the hell is PETA when you need them?)
A word about vampires and zombies:
I don’t care what Anne Rice or what’s-her-name from Twilight says, vampires are not gentle souls. Nobody should cuddle up with a vampire and watch Dancing with the Stars. If you do, you deserve everything you get. Therefore, if you’re going to do vampires this Hallowe’en, put some heft into it: look the part, and a little Euro-trash accent wouldn’t hurt.
Zombie costumes are just sorry. Everybody and their friend has been doing zombies since HBO discovered them. If you have so little creativity in your life, grab a sheet and go as Casper. Believe me, it’s the lesser of two clichés.
Some At-Home etiquette:
If kids still come to your door on Halloween, it is never acceptable to give out lame treats. I don’t care how committed you are to a better society; one night a year, you can lighten up. For example, do not give out toothbrushes, dental floss or mouthwash. Organic Free Range oatcakes and that kind of crap are just barely acceptable – but only if you shut up about it.
Likewise, October 31st is the wrong time of the year to start lecturing people on the long and unfortunate history of witches, the evils of 2,000 years of Christianity or the minutiae of Wicca folklore. You’ve got 364 other nights of the year to be a pain in the ass; choose one!
One more thing:
Building is better than buying. Part of the buzz of Hallowe’en is putting together a costume. Any fool with a credit card can be Snow White or the Wicked Witch, but it takes real imagination to go as the Apple.
And finally:
Halloween is not carte blanche to be a jerk. Scaring the bejesus out of your drunken friends is one thing, but pulling that crap on little kids isn’t very nice. Remember, you’re the adult here.
This is serious, folks. Hallowe’en is an important event. Please use some discretion. (Look what happened to St. Valentine’s Day!)
Paleo-feminist Germaine Greer certainly has a lot to say these days, including, “Just because you lop off your dick and then wear a dress, doesn’t make you a fucking woman.” Nice try. Ms. Greer! You are clearly disagreeing with the transgender community — that’s called transphobia. Have you ever had your dick lopped off? I think not.
WD Fyfe 