Hugh Hefner — 1926 – 2017

playboyHugh Hefner is dead, and I’m not feeling that well myself.  It’s too bad the old boy turned himself into such a caricature because, now, blinded by the neo-Victorian morality of the 21st century, all we can see is boobs.  However, I’m certain history will absolve him.

Hugh Hefner was a uniquely American phenom who, like Joseph Pulitzer and William S. Paley, saw an empty space in the media marketplace and filled it.

In the early American 1950s, World War II was still fresh, but the soldiers were home. They’d gotten the girl next door, a couple of kids, a corporate job, and a GI Bill of Rights house in the suburbs.  Life was ordinary again, and these aging ex-warriors found themselves losing their hair and their testosterone, sitting on the sofa night after night with Milton Berle and I Love Lucy.  Then came Playboy.  It was a full colour glossy, foldout fantasy of all the things a 30-something family man thought he shoulda/coulda/woulda done with his life.  It was urban cool — sweet jazz, dry martinis, deep-throated stereos, street muscle cars and beautiful women.  It set the standard for hip because anybody who was anybody appeared in the pages of Playboy.

There’s no doubt our world thinks Hugh Hefner belongs to a different time and his creation Playboy is a misogynist relic.  However, here’s something I wrote two years ago that shows just how large an impact Playboy had on our society.

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October 16th, 2015

Now that Playboy Magazine has renounced nudity, it’s become an easy target — a misogynist relic of the 20th century — more silicone than substance.  Perhaps — I don’t know — like most people, I don’t actually read Playboy anymore, so I’m in no position to judge.  However, I do know this.  If you’re over 35 and not dead, you’re part of the massive impact Playboy has had on our society.

Take a look:

The Playboy Interviews read like a history book of our times:

Malcolm X, Jimmy Hoffa, Federico Fellini, Fidel Castro, Orson Welles, Ralph Nader, Marshall McLuhan, Ray Charles, Germaine Greer, Tennessee Williams, Jimmy Carter, Barbara Streisand, David Frost, Marlon Brando, G. Gordon Liddy, Lech Walesa, Ansel Adams, Jesse Jackson, Carl Bernstein, Imelda and Ferdinand Marcos, Yasser Arafat, Donald Trump, Martin Scorsese, Michael Jordan, Salman Rushdie and on and on and on.

In one single year, 1964, Playboy interviewed Vladimir Nabokov, Ayn Rand, Jean Genet, Ingmar Bergman and Salvador Dali.  And Playboy didn’t just follow what was trending; it tried to understand.  It interviewed Martin Luther King Jr. at the height of the Civil Rights Movement in 1965; Timothy Leary, when mainstream drug use was a brand new phenom in ’66 and Steve Jobs, immediately after getting booted out of Apple in 1985.  Plus, Playboy took some chances, like sending Alex Haley, the author of Roots, to interview George Lincoln Rockwell, the leader of the American Nazi Party.

Yes, Alex Haley wrote for Playboy and so did Norman Mailer, Gay Talese, Hunter S. Thompson and Gore Vidal.  There were others too, but the list of fiction writers is even more overwhelming:

Joseph Heller, Roald Dahl, Ian Fleming, Margaret Atwood, Haruki Murakami, Ray Bradbury, Bharati Mukherjee, Jack Kerouac, Kurt Vonnegut, Joyce Carol Oates, Philip Roth, Ursula Le Guin, Martin Amis and, once again, on and on — including four Nobel Prize winners: Saul Bellow, Isaac Bashevis Singer, Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Doris Lessing.  In fact, if it wasn’t for the boobs, Playboy would be considered a literary magazine — one of the best.

But what about those boobs?

Some of the most beautiful women in the world have voluntarily taken their clothes off for Playboy:

Farrah Fawcett, Olivia Munn, Robin Givens, Katarina Witt, Ursula Andress, Tia Carrere, Kim Basinger, Elle Macpherson, Kate Moss, Catherine Deneuve, Shari Belafonte and Raquel Welch among many, many others.  The numbers alone take Playboy pictorials beyond sleazy.  Besides, is there any great distance between Charlize Theron and Titian’s “Venus of Urbino” or Naomi Campbell and Goya’s “The Nude Maja?”  Argue all you want about objectifying women, but if you want a lesson in that, go to the pages of Vogue or Fashion or Harper’s Bazaar.  Rhetorically speaking, is a pouting, uber-skinny supermodel a more acceptable female image?  Or is it just that she’s covered up the naughty bits?

At 62, Playboy Magazine is old and grey and nodding by the fire.  In a one-click universe where the most outrageous porno is at your fingertips and few people are willing to wade through serious pages of unbroken prose, Playboy is passé.  Eventually, it will dissolve into history — the history it helped shape.  Like it or not, Playboy changed the world — no doubt.  But, mostly, it let us be adults about sex and it single-handedly transformed sexuality from Downtown smut to Uptown sophistication.  It made smart sexy, and that’s what made Playboy cool.

I Don’t Hate Celebrities

musicMany of my friends believe I hate celebrities.  I don’t; I just think most of them are assholes.  Actually, I don’t even have a philosophical problem with the cult of celebrity.  Like it or not, it’s a serious part of our social structure and always has been.  For example, in the 1840s, the pianist, Franz Liszt, was mobbed wherever he went.  People fainted at his concerts, and fans fought over bits of his clothing.  Heinrich Heine called the phenom ” Lizstomania.”  (Sound familiar?)  My point is we worship celebrities ’cause it’s fun.  It’s sexy.  It’s a chance to dance with the kind of charisma that’s normally just doesn’t occur in our day-to-day lives.

The problem is a lot of contemporary celebrities have come to believe they’re not just the latest dog-and-pony show.  They actually think they’re special and have amazing insights — not only into the world’s problems, but the solutions, as well.  Unfortunately, the ability to memorize dialogue, cry on cue and strum a guitar are not the skills we need to tackle our many political, spiritual, medical and economic problems.  However, even though these self-diagnosed messiahs haven’t got a clue, they do have a very big pulpit to preach from — the media — and they absolutely refuse to shut up.

I’m not saying that musicians, actors, comedians, Reality TV stars, etc. shouldn’t have opinions, I’m just saying here’s some tough truth:

When your idea of roughing it is room service is late, you really can’t speak with any authority about the soul-eating poverty of sub-Saharan Africa.

Two years of drama school doesn’t mean you’re competent to dispense medical advice.  This includes health tips, nutrition, “jade eggs,” cures for cancer, what causes autism and who should or should not get vaccinated — among other things.

People who travel in private jets and  personal limousines to parties in Ibiza,  movie premieres in Los Angeles and  Broadway shows in New York — all in the same week — have no business telling the rest of us we shouldn’t carry our pork ‘n beans home from the grocery store in a plastic bag.  Who’s ruining the environment for whom, here?

If you own four (five?) palatial mansions on two continents, you’ve got a lot of cojones yipping about how we’re not doing enough for refugees.  It looks to me as if you’ve got a few empty bedrooms there, George.  How about a couple of those Syrian families bunking in with you?

When a guy who’s constantly spouting off about corporate greed takes a gig as the “What’s it your wallet?” shill for one of the richest banks in America, he’s either a total hypocrite or a total whore.  (There’s no third choice on this one.)  And, with those kind of credentials, his off-the-wall ideas about the world’s economy are totally suspect.

And this just goes on and on and on.

Okay!  Celebrities are cool.  But they’re offering half-baked, simplistic, Instagram solutions to complex problems they don’t even understand.  And the reality is this crap is muddying the water so badly it’s actually become part of the problem.

So, as the man said, “Shut up and sing.”

 

7 Ways To Tell If A Movie Is Crap (plus one more)

movies

I’ve walked out of only two movies in my life: Roman Polanski’s Macbeth and You’ve Got Mail.  (I’ll just let that sink in for a minute.)  Anyway, it’s not that I’ve endured that many bad movies; it’s just that, over the years, I’ve learned how to pick ’em.   So before you make the popcorn, settle into your ass groove on the sofa and let iTunes scam you for another $4.99, here are seven ways (plus one) to tell if a movie is going to be crap.
DISCLAIMER:  These are only guidelines.  They work most of the time, but there are some exceptions.

The 4th Movie In A Franchise — By the time the studios get to #4, the stories are lame, the actors are tired, the directors are bored (if they’re even still there) and the FX is gratuitous and over the top.  These are name recognition cash grabs; stay away from them! There are two notable exceptions: Star Trek: The Journey Home and Thunderball.  (FYI, Mad Max: Fury Road doesn’t count. It had a different cast.)

Movies Made From 60s/70s/80s TV Programs — Movie producers know Baby Boomers (and their adult children) have money, and they desperately want to get their mitts on it.  So, they tap into the nostalgia of an aging population who think they’re still cool.  They trot out a familiar name, rework the original story (with all the catch phrases) and hire some actors with little or no self respect.  These movies are unadulterated trash, but the studios don’t care ’cause they’re guaranteed a couple of million profit on name recognition alone.  (FYI, Star Trek doesn’t count.  It had the same cast.)

Movies Made From Video Games — This is just a dumbass idea.  The potential audience for these movies are gamers who — wait for it! — PLAY video games.  They don’t watch video games play themselves.  D’uh!  The rest of us, non-gamers, have heard of the title, but we have no idea what’s going on, who the Lizard People are, what everybody’s fighting about and why all the nuns have machine guns.

Classic Remakes — There ought to be a law against taking wonderful old movies and ruining them with CGI.

Old Men — If a movie features an old megastar trying to be funny, chances are good he won’t be.  What you’re going to get is Viagra jokes, some boobs, at least one reference to substance abuse and a weirdo relationship that’s a cross between necro- and pedo- philia.  NEWS FLASH — Hot 20-something chicks don’t normally go for old men.  Trust me! I know what I’m talking about.

Too Many Old Men — If the average age of your ensemble cast is over 70,  this is a bad movie. I don’t care if the old buggers want to rob a bank, go on a road trip, look for their lost youth, skydive, hunt for treasure, find the girl of their dreams, take down an evil dictator, save the world, go to space ….  God, just shoot me in the head!  Doesn’t anybody in Hollywood retire anymore?

Bad Actors — Some actors make bad movies — all the time.  For example, Ashton Kutcher has never made a good movie.  (He hasn’t even come close.)  Then there’s Kevin James, Megan Fox, Tyler Perry, Jai Courtney, Jessica Alba, etc., etc., etc.  I’m sure there’s a list of these losers somewhere.  Anyway, when you see any one of this worthless crew in a movie, save your money and go do a crossword puzzle.

And finally:

Adam Sandler, Nicholas Cage and Johnny Depp — Adam Sandler movies are so bad they’re actually in a class of their own.  Cage had his moments — ten years ago. And I have no idea what the hell happened to Johnny Depp.