Category: Humor

It’s Been A Weird Week!

cougar

In a week when female Democrats applauded a speech by President Donald Trump how much weirder can our world get?  Pretty weird!

A Russian court found a Danish man, Dennis Christensen, guilty of “organizing the activities of an extremist organization” and sentenced him to six years in prison.  Dennis Christensen is a Jehovah’s Witness and his crimes were knocking on doors and handing out pamphlets – The Watchtower.  I know Jehovah’s Witnesses can be annoying — but six years?  Wow!  That Putin just doesn’t take crap from anybody!

There was a brawl during a weekly bingo game at a seniors’ care facility (read Old Folks’ Home) in Ontario, Canada.  Apparently, two women, aged 86 and 79, had a disagreement over the seating arrangements – both claimed the same chair.  The argument took a nasty turn when one of the ladies threw a punch.  Various friends, on both sides, leapt to the defense of the two combatants, and suddenly it was Wrestle-Mania – with dentures.  Despite the valiant efforts of the staff to break up the melee, it escalated into a free-for-all with several of the seniors using their canes to get a few licks in.  The police were called.  They assessed the situation, and rather than wade into the donnybrook, they called for backup.  Eventually, order was restored and even though there were a number of bumps and bruises, no charges were laid.  However, afternoon bingo has been suspended indefinitely!

Some guy in Colorado was out jogging when he heard a noise behind him.  He turned around and the first (and only) thing he saw was a mountain lion in full lunge with every intention of turning him into a Happy Meal™.
(Slight pause in the story.)
I live in Canada, so I’ve seen mountain lions (we call them cougars) and they are big and beautiful and the international symbol for “pee your pants” scary.  If you’re not familiar, imagine your house cat with 35 kilos (75 lbs.) of extra muscle, teeth the size of your index finger, paws and claws the size of a dinner plate and no reason to control his instinct to kill.
Back to our tale – and this is the good bit.
Rather than screaming and dying a horrible, icky death, our boy had the presence of mind to fight back.  In fact, he went total Tarzan, somehow managed to get Mr. Mountain Lion in a choke hold and hang on until kitty — was kitty litter.  The guy killed a mountain lion – WITH HIS BARE HANDS!  (Yeah, yeah, yeah!  We all feel sorry for the cat, but nobody in their right mind wants to experience the primeval food chain up close and that personal – so good on ya, buddy!)  Anyway, scratched, torn, bitten and chewed on, he still managed to get himself to a hospital where they stitched him back together.  Damn!

The thing is though, this man is suddenly on top of the testosterone ladder.  He’s got the best after-dinner story of all time.

“So, Bob, what do you do?”
“I’m an accountant and in my spare time … I kill mountain lions – with my bare hands!”

0r

“You’re lookin’ pretty fit there, Bob.  You work out?”
“Yeah, I do a little jogging and … kill mountain lions – with my bare hands!”

I don’t even know the guy and I’d buy him a couple of beers just to hear the story.

It might be the middle of winter — snowy, cold and miserable — but never mind the weather: it’s been a weird week.  And it’s a safe bet there’s going to be a few more before spring.  So, sit back, pour a hot beverage of your choice and enjoy them!

Happy Chinese New Year

happy-new-yearHappy Chinese New Year!  With that in mind, here is a reissue of WD Fyfe’s Fractured 12 Years of the Chinese Calendar.  Enjoy!

Rat -1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
You are a cunning and devious little bastard who’s constantly plotting against your friends.  Most people don’t like you, and even people who don’t know you think you’re an asshole.

Ox – 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009
You are incredibly stupid and everybody takes advantage of you.  You’re going to end up with a shit job and no social life because you’re so boring nobody wants to be around you.

Tiger -1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010
What a bully!  You think you’re tough, but all you really are is sneaky.  Why don’t you pick on somebody your own size, ya loser?

Rabbit -1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
You are promiscuous to a fault, without the smarts to be a whore.  You think you’re cute, but you’re just a pumped up little weasel who’ll screw anything with a pulse.

Dragon -1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
You’re a total egomania, but most people don’t even know you exist.  The ones who do think you’re a blowhard and avoid you whenever possible.  You’ll probably end up dead in a ditch somewhere.

Snake -1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013
You’re a smarmy, two-faced liar who would sell your own grandmother if you thought there was any profit in it.  People throw stones at you and chase you with sticks.

Horse -1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014
You’re a petty little masochist who loves having your ass whipped.  You’re always getting scammed into doing all the work and letting others take the credit for it.  You think this is noble, but it’s just pathetic.

Sheep -1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015
You’re such a complete pussy even little kids push you around.  You have no ambition in life and spend all your time hanging out with other people just as useless as you are.  Your idea of a good time is a haircut.

Monkey – 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004, 2016
You are a yappy waste of space who’s fascinated by your own feces.  You think people like you, but they’re actually laughing at you behind your back.  You look ridiculous half the time.

Rooster – 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005, 2017
You’re an arrogant know-it-all, strutting around, giving everybody the benefit of your opinion.  Actually, you’ve never said anything of value and just keep repeating yourself — over and over and over.  Even your friends want to choke the life out of you.

Dog -1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006, 2018
You are the world’s biggest suck.  It’s truly embarrassing to watch just how much ass-kissing you’re capable of.

Pig – 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007, 2019
You’re forever reminding people how smart you are to cover up your disgusting behaviour and atrocious table manners.  Nobody (and I mean NOBODY) wants to sleep with you — ever.  For God sake, you smell like a sewer!

Gong Hey Fat Choy

 

10 Jobs You’ve Never Heard Of!

weirdjobs

There are tons of jobs in this world that nobody’s ever heard of.  They’re not advertised anywhere — and companies will deny they even exist – but they do.  And after years of research, I’ve managed to identify a few of them.

Flak Catcher – Every company on this planet employs an army of people whose only job is to answer the telephone and get yelled at.  They’re the ones on the other end of “Customer Support.”  They have no real power and can’t actually fix your problem, so they are just supposed to listen to your assortment of threats and obscenities and hope the hell you go away.  Most companies prefer ex-nuns for this position.

Complimentary Crying Baby – You’d think that child labour laws would prevent this sort of thing, but every airline employs a variety of babies who fly around the world and cry — during takeoffs, landings and just when you’re about to take a nap.  There’s a lot of room for advancement in this position, and many babies go on to become the “Obnoxious Child.”  I have no idea why airlines do this, but I’m assuming it’s to boost liquor sales.

Motorcycle Rider – This occupation dates back to post World War II when housing developers hired ex-servicemen to roar around the streets of urban areas on noisy motorcycles.  Their purpose was to “encourage” young families to buy houses in quieter suburbs — and it worked.  These days, the building trade still hires “Motorcycle Riders,” and in some cities, it’s considered a growth industry.

Useless Government Employee – All governments hire one person whose sole purpose is to give you the wrong forms, send you to the wrong department or generally muck up the paper trail so completely that even Stephen Hawking can’t figure it out.  They do this so the other government employees look good in comparison.

Cat Sex and Barking Dog – I don’t know how they train these animals, but pharmaceutical companies have employed them for years to help sell sleeping pills.

Arguing Woman – Always found in grocery stores, this person’s job is to hold up the line by arguing with the cashier over some ridiculous thing like expired coupons.  The purpose is to stall you at the checkout long enough so you buy stupid crap you don’t really need — like magazines, gum and candy bars.

Movie Talker – The jerk in the movie theatre eight rows back who insists on explaining the coming plot twists to her hearing-impaired friend.  I’m not sure who hires these people, but I imagine it’s probably Netflix, Hulu or some other streaming service.

Condescending Techie – Companies that sell electronics all have one techie who’s an utter asshole.  His job (and it’s always a guy) is to roll his eyes, speak gibberish at you and reconfigure your device so you can’t find anything.  They do this in the hope that you’ll eventually get so fed up with the problem you’ll just say, “Forget it!” and buy something new.

Stereo Guy – This is a seasonal position (summer only.)  Air conditioning companies hire people to wait until midnight, turn their stereos up to a million decibels and blast Mega-Death Hip Hop Techno Country music into the stinkin’ hot summer night.  The purpose is to force you to buy an air conditioner so you can close your windows against this unholy din without dying of heat stroke.

And finally:

Dog Walker/Jogger – These people are hired by the police to go to secluded wooded areas and find dead bodies.