Light At The End Of The Techie Tunnel

Techies I gave up trying to work with the electronics industry many moons ago. Techies and their minions all think they’re medieval village priests with a direct line to the One True God — and they’re insufferable because of it. However, recently I discovered there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Some of the folks might be real people, after all.

Let me explain:

I was killing some time and went into an electronics store to try and find a set of labels to identify which cord fits what in the ever-expanding octopus that now accompanies my technological life. FYI (and you know this) every digital device on this planet comes with a cord (cords?) They’re all black, they’re all tangled, each of them fits only one thing, and they’re everywhere. Anyway, I found what I was looking for — 10 sticky labels for a reasonable $9.95 — and went to pay. This is not the actual conversation. I’ve shortened it and taken out most of the swearing, but the conclusion is verbatim.

Perky Clerk: Good Afternoon.

Me: Hiya. Just this. (places item on the counter and fumbles in pockets)

Perky Clerk: Do you have our Rewards Card?

Me: Nah, I’m from across town. (pushes the item closer to the cashier)

PC: Would you like to get one of our Rewards Card, today? It’s free and you get a 20% discount on today’s purchase and 10% off any future purchases to a maximum of $1,000.00 a year. Plus, you get …

Me: No, I’m good.

PC: For example (Perky Clerk picks up item and scans it — N.B. all the sales information is now in the system) you’d save $2.00 plus tax.

Me: No, like I say, I’m from across town. I’d never use it.

PC: Our Rewards Cards are good at over 200 locations all across the country.

Me: I’m sure it’s a great deal, but really– no thanks.

PC: Alright. (Perky Clerk looks at me as if I were the Village Idiot’s half- witted brother) It’s up to you.

Me: (various grunts and shrugs)

PC: Could I have your email address?

Me: What? No, I don’t want the card. It’s just this. (pushes item at perky clerk)

PC: That’s fine, sir. This is for our warranty.

Me: Warranty?

PC: All our merchandise comes with “Our Personal Guarantee” 90 day warranty or you can purchase an extended warranty for 1, 3, or 5 years.

Me: These are paper labels with glue at one end! What kind of a warranty am I’m going to need? No, I don’t want the warranty. (pulls money out of pocket)

PC: All our merchandise comes with “Our Personal Guarantee” 90 day warranty, sir. (Perky Clerk gives me the “Why are you being such an asshole?” look.)

Me: (lays the money on the counter) I don’t care. Here’s the labels; here’s my money. You don’t need my email address.

PC: (still perky) I’m sorry sir, but I can’t do the transaction without your email address.

Me: Yes, you can. I saw you. You scanned it just a minute ago.

PC: That was a price check, sir. The system won’t recognize a sale without an email address.

Me: I’m not giving you my email address. All you’re going to do is clutter up my computer with a bunch of sales crap I don’t want. (unruly muttering behind me)

PC: You can go to our website and decline our promotional offers at any time, sir.

Me: I don’t want to go to your web site. I don’t want your Rewards Card. I don’t want your warranty. In fact, I don’t want any of this bullshit. I just want to buy some labels and get the hell out of here. (straightening up defiantly while unruly muttering behind me gets louder)

Perky Clerk: Sir, may I suggest you quit being a douche and just give me a fake address so I can get on with my job.

Me: Oh — uh — right. Boy, do I ever feel stupid.

Perky Clerk: No worries. We get that a lot here.

The Secrets Of Life

life Life does not come with a set of instructions. Around the time we learn to crawl, we’re taught what bites, what burns, what tickles and which farts just can’t be trusted — but after that, it’s all on-the-job training with live ammunition. Unfortunately, without any guidelines we really never know how we’re doing. Essentially, if life were a parlour game, we’d have no way to keep score or even know where we are on the board. C’est le vie!

There are, however, a few tricks one learns along the way. Since I’m a good guy who’s been wandering this world for a few years now, I’m going to pass a random sample along to you. They’re in no particular order — because if I actually knew what was important in life, I’d write the book.

1 — A low-cut sweater will fix a bad hair day.

2 — Nobody is ever going to love you the way women in yogurt commercials love yogurt; get over it.

3 — You know you’re fat when people start saying “Have you lost weight?” Nobody ever says that to people who don’t need to.

4 — After high school you’re never going to use algebra again — ever.

5 — You know the relationship isn’t love when, during sex, you fantasize that your partner is someone else and, after sex, you fantasize you are.

6 — You’ve become an adult when your towels match.

7 — Eventually, every parent secretly eats a candy bar in the car, or the closet, or just around the corner so they don’t have to share it with their kids. (So you aren’t a selfish bastard, after all.)

8 — You know you’re old when younger people talk to you in that tone of voice we all reserve for children and pets.

9 — Later on in life, nobody but you is going to give a rat’s ass how hot you were in college, so you might as well take the four years and actually study.

10 — If you’re over 26 and your job still involves extra pickles, no mayo and paper cups, you’re doing something wrong.

11 — The biggest lie you’re ever going to tell yourself is “I’ll remember that.”

12 — You know you’re rich when you don’t have to look at the prices on a menu. You know you’re wealthy when you can do that at the car dealership.

13 — The difference between tragic hero/heroine and perpetual loser is five years.

14 — As you get older, Christmas comes faster and faster every year.

And finally:

15 — The real secret to a happy and successful life is comfortable underwear. But you need to have enough money to afford it and the good sense to buy it.