Summer News

newspaper

In these last couple of days before the summer sun bakes us all into human pudding and the news media runs off and hides on their annual two-month vacation, there is still news – and most of it is pretty cool.

1 — The women of Saudi Arabia can drive.  The last bastion of motor vehicle misogyny has fallen, and the women of King Salman’s private sandbox can legally drive cars!  Unfortunately, Saudi Arabia actually is a giant sandbox and, aside from dropping their burkas off at the drycleaners, there’s really no place for the girls to go.  (Sand Dune #68 isn’t that big an attraction.)  Still, I imagine going through the drive-thru at Wendy’s is a big deal to someone who’s spent most of her life hanging out in a harem.

2 — That Canadian guy Jordan Peterson is suing Sir Wilfred Laurier University.  Apparently he’s pissed off because a couple of their “open-minded” academics compared him to Adolf Hitler.  Peterson’s contention is that Hitler ordered the murder of six million Jews; whereas all he (Peterson) did was say the gender neutral pronoun “ze” was bullshit and that is not strictly a crime against humanity.  Meanwhile, the university maintains that politically-correct fascists always compare people who disagree with them to Hitler, and Peterson should quit being such an over-sensitive Alt-right snowflake.  (Man! I wish Judge Judy could get hold of this one!)

3 — The super-duper poster boy for gender equality, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, just got hit with the hypocrite stick.  Apparently, before Mr. Trudeau got in touch with his feminine side (and a pile of female votes) he spent some time touching a female reporter who wasn’t too happy about his little game of grab-ass — and said so.  Trudeau’s actual response was, “I’m sorry.  If I had known you were reporting for a national paper, I never would have been so forward.”  Interesting distinction on who is available for groping.  However, don’t expect this awkward incident to storm through Twitter any time soon; we all know that social media is very careful about who they tar and feather. (I’m looking at you, Bill Clinton!)

But on the other hand:

4 — The cultural cleansing of America continues.  Laura Ingalls Wilder, the woman who wrote Little House on the Prairie, has been dumped by the US Association for Library Service to Children (ALSC.)  According to that illustrious body, Wilder’s books contain “anti-Native and anti-Black sentiments.”  Wow!  It must have come as a hell of a shock to those nitwits that something published in 1932 didn’t reflect the values of the 21st century!

My chief worry about this is that, at some point in the not-so-distant future, all the books published before 1980 are going to be gathered up and given the Fahrenheit 451 treatment – including, ironically, Fahrenheit 451.

7 Modern Scams (Plus 1)

scamsEver since Achmed the Unwashed tried to sell the Pyramids to a couple of unsuspecting Greek tourists (Herodotus, you idiot!) there have been scam artists bent on separating the terminally naive from their money.  For example, the Brooklyn Bridge has been sold so many times it’s become a cliché.  Likewise, if you were to stack all the bits of the Berlin Wall sold since 1989, they’d probably reach into the stratosphere.  Over the centuries, there has been no shortage of con games and no shortage of victims.  However, it’s only in recent history that the ripoff has become institutionalized.  Here are seven perfectly legal scams (plus one) that are perpetrated on all of us every day.

Diamonds – Diamonds are so expensive because of one unassailable principle: a man will spend an obscene amount of money to avoid looking like a cheap bastard – especially when it comes to a probable wife or potential mistress.

Coffee – Retail coffee out of a paper cup is absolute proof that most people can’t do math.

Water – Here in the affluent West, water is so cheap and plentiful that we pee in it, yet millions of people spend billions of dollars, pounds and euros buying it in bottles.  Folks, bottled water is — water – in a bottle!  It’s no coincidence that Evian™ spelled backwards is naive.

Extended Warranties – This is air.  You just bought a handful of air.

Weddings – Weddings are so expensive because of one unassailable principle: a woman will spend an obscene amount of money to impress her friends.

Funerals – The place where sadness meets ruthless.  Funeral parlours have you by the emotional short hairs — and they know it.  What are you going to do?  Toss Aunt Sarah into a ditch?  Burn her in the back garden?

Skin Products – There is no magical formula that will stop the aging process.  If there were, do you really think you could buy it in a tube for $19.95?

And my personal favourite:

The Apple Logo – The grandfather of all con jobs!  The only difference between Apple™ and ordinary is – uh – nothing!  Apparently, the half-chewed Apple logo is worth somewhere between 200 and 1,000 dollars — depending on how badly you want to get robbed.

Quit Complaining!

complaining

I’m absolutely bone-weary of constantly being told how screwed-up my world is.  I realize it’s a long way from this place to Nirvana; however, this isn’t the worst of all possible venues west of Lucifer’s back porch, either.  Actually, Western civilization is a kinda run-down suburb of Disneyland, where most of life’s rougher edges are smoothed over.  I have a friend who says, “If you want reality, go to Somalia.”  And she’s right.  That’s where the real world lives.  What we see out our front windows is a man-made amusement park, put there for our comfort and entertainment.  Personally, I don’t mind people complaining, but there is a limit.  There’s a lot of stuff in this world that I like, and I don’t appreciate every malcontent with an attitude calling it down.  The truth is, my world is made of sterner material than what reality has to offer and a lot of people are working very, very hard to keep the harsh, nasty bits of real life away from my front door.  So, here are a just few things people should think about before they start complaining.

I like libraries.  I think they’re cool.  I can walk in, take a book (any book) off the shelf, sit in a warm, semi-comfortable chair and read it.  And if that isn’t good enough for me, I can take that book home.  All the library wants is my word that I’ll bring it back.  They trust me.  And it’s free.  It’s part of what I get just because I live here.

I like buses.  In my city, for $2.50, I get a vehicle and a driver, who will take me within two or three streets of anywhere I want to go, anytime I want to go there.  I don’t even have to ask or show up on time.  These buses travel all around my town just on the off chance that I might want to go somewhere — and that’s 365 days a year.

I like grocery stores — big ones, small ones, all around the town ones.  I’m never more than a kilometre away from food.   It’s not just any food either; it’s all kinds of food.  It’s food from all over the world in what looks like nearly infinite varieties.  If I want to, I can buy vegetables with names I can’t even pronounce.  I can buy food that other people have already cooked for me.  In some places, I can buy fish so fresh it’s still alive when I buy it.  I’ve never been to a grocery store that doesn’t have some kinda food you don’t even need– like pickles and parsley.  They’re a garnish, for God’s sake — and we still have tons of it.  And here’s what I like the most about grocery stores – they never run out.

I like the cops.  Yeah, yeah, yeah: they’re always showing up after the fact, and there are quite a few nasty ones, but so what?  I like being a mere three digits away from specially-trained people whose sole purpose on Earth is to keep me from getting my ass kicked or robbed or run over by a drunk.  I might not see a cop from one week to the next — but they’re around.  They’re like spare tires; you never have to think of them until you need one.  Yet it’s their very presence that guarantees I don’t have to worry about involuntarily donating money to a horde of crack addicts with kitchen knives – in my backyard.

I like space.  One of the neatest things my world has to offer is space.  I’m not talking about the great outdoor wilderness somewhere north of Rubberboot, Alberta.  I’m talking about urban space that makes certain I’m not haunch to paunch with my fellow citizens every minute of every day.  On some of the busiest streets in my city, there are benches; places to stop, sit down, take three deep ones and look at the world.   As long as I don’t bother anybody, I can sit there as long as I like.  Or if I don’t like traffic, I have parks – lots of them — green spaces where somebody else cuts the lawn, trims the bushes and plants the flowers — just so I can look at them.

But the best thing I like about my world is, it’s not every man for himself.  I’m not on my own against a barbaric universe.  I literally have armies of people who want to help me – doctors, nurses, garbage men, teachers, counselors, postal workers, social workers, firefighters, therapists, dog catchers, health inspectors, building inspectors and on and on and on and on.  Everyone from the kid under the information sign to the person who cleans the sewers – they’re all there to make my life better – just because.  Here’s the deal.  This world might be slow; it might be frustrating; it might not give each one of us the exact result we want, but at the end of the day, if any of us has a problem, generally this world is willing to help.  And all ya gotta do is ask.

Honestly, folks!  We live in the most benevolent society in history — it even gives us enough leisure time to complain about it.  Let’s not abuse that privilege.

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Originally written in 2011.  Reproduced with some gentle editing.