Winter: A Personal History

xmas cold2When I was a kid, winter was a cold white dragon, sleeping on the earth.  We could feel his sharp breath in our noses when we walked, bundled like Shackletons, down the long blocks to Mayfair School.  In the afternoon, we would hurry home in the settling darkness, crunch step quiet, in case we woke him and he caught us far from our fires.  We knew he was there: slumber frozen, waiting to rise and fly at us, howling at our windows, scratching to get in.  No Jack Frost blithe spirit lived in our town; only the dragon, cunning and cold.  We could feel his sleet-sharp talons and had seen his icicle teeth.

But we were children, and children play, like laughter in the sunshine.  Too cold for snowmen, we made soaring angels, etched into the ground, and threw snowballs.  We walked tractor tracks on the lawn (to fool our neighbours) and hand shovelled frontier fortresses that never got done.  We had one long toboggan for sliding.  Old roped and plank heavy, it needed two sturdy sisters to pull us.  And The Flying Saucer, a scoop of shiny round kick-dented metal that twirled and hurled us down the low prairie hills as fast as a scream.  We skated at school in the evenings and played four-boy hockey under the silvery lights of our night-barren streets.

And winter was books.  Library heavy, we trudged them home on Saturday xmas cold3morning, like eager travellers, our documents stamped by sensible women in thick-soled shoes, who handed them back with earnest accord.  They were precious passports to foreign lands where children were clever and had gardens and mysteries.  With them the windblown dark was held back and at bay by oceans of pirates, Tarzan and colourful birds.  Then after every after-dinner-dry-the-dishes we’d build castles from black coral sand and Sherlock Holmes, or Little Women, read aloud by an available sister.  One year, the snow and cold were so deep we couldn’t go to school, and for a whole magic free day, we had My Friend Flicka, that lasted sleepy into the night.

And winter was thick knit socks and tasty mittens, that we called mitts, not meant for chewing.  They hung on strings to keep them safe.  There were big coats that zipped up tight and hats with flaps; pull-down toques and wrap heavy scarves: boots, never tall enough for the snow, which always crept in the top like icy melting fingers searching for your toes.  They lived on the newspapers spread by the stove, half balanced on their necks and warm in the morning.  And winter was flannel: bright plaid shirts and pajamas and blue striped sheets with heavy blankets that came to your chin.

And winter was every-morning porridge, bubbling like a stomach ache.  Wexmas cold1 covered it with brown sugar or thick Rogers’ syrup that came in a can.  And there was soup that steamed so hot it would fog your glasses and burn your tongue.  It was made of big chunks of everything we’d eaten before and pennies of carrots and cut winter beans.  But mostly winter was sugar, boiled pot-brown with cinnamon and chocolate.  It flowed into cookies, hand-rounded and squashed with a fork, or low, one-pan cakes with oatmeal and dates.  And there were butter tarts with raisins, shortbread, hard as coal and dungballs that cooled on the sewing machine table.  But none of that was for eating.  It was for Christmas and when I was a kid winter was Christmas.

Wednesday: A Child’s Christmas is Saskatchewan

Mayan Calendar: It’s Not the End of the World

mayanIn case you haven’t heard, as of this morning, we’ve got exactly one week until the end of the world.  According to every con man from here to Cozumel, December 21st 2012 is the Mayan equivalent of the Crack of Doom, and when the sun goes down next Friday, it ain’t comin’ up again.  This current End of the World (I’ve survived several in my lifetime) has been hanging over our heads for several years now – ad infinitum.  Basically, it’s been done to death and everybody’s got the T-shirt.  However, rather than letting this little sleight of apocalyptic hand go by unnoted, I’ve decided to rerun a piece I wrote eighteen months ago.  I changed a few things to update it, but it’s just a valid today as it was a year and a half ago.

Personally, I’ve got nothing against Mayans.  I’ve only met a few, and since I was always a tourist and their job was to make me happy, I’m in no real position to judge.  However, I would think that, like every other human group, they’ve got their fair share of good people, regular folks and jerks.  I say all this because I’m about to treat them badly; I don’t want anyone to think it’s anything more than journalist license.

The Mayans are an ancient smarty-pants civilization, discovered in the late 70s, when low airfares, sandy beaches and new hotels combined to bring loads of tourists to a place called Cancun.  Before that, the Mayans weren’t really known beyond a tight-knit circle of anthropologists, archaeologists and nerdy grad students.  Cancun and environs, popularly called the Mayan Riviera, soon became a must-have, all-you-can-drink young people’s destination.  When the spring break college kids sobered up, they went out on daytrips to see the Mayan ruins at Coba, Tulum and Chichen Itza.  Incredible examples of pre-Columbian Mesoamerican culture, these not so ruined ruins, blew the young folks away – especially since their previous contact with native America consisted of the Washington Redskins and the Cleveland Indians.  They discovered all manner of cool things about the Mayans — stuff like their written language, sophisticated social structure, detailed astronomical observations and cruel treatment at the hand of the conquering Spanish.  The fact that their culture included human sacrifice — lots of it — and had already collapsed under its own weight, long before the Spanish ever got there, was kinda glossed over by the tour guides.  Anyway, the sophomores among us took this knowledge home and wildly misinterpreted most of it, while congratulating themselves on their escape from the confines of their parent’s Eurocentric view of the world.

The most easily accessible tidbit of tourism was the Mayan Calendar.  For amayan3 while, it was the souvenir du jour and adorned the walls of most dormitories and studio apartments north of the Rio Grande – for years — sometimes upside down.  It was — and still is — a talking point, even though, without the name, most people haven’t the foggiest idea what they’re looking at.  However, it remains tangible evidence that the tour guides were right: the Mayans were way cooler than the Greeks and Romans (who had no idea what day of the week it was) and that, in turn, justifies a healthy disrespect for one’s own cultural roots.

In actual fact, the Mayan calendar is a complicated, extremely accurate piece of equipment.  I defy anyone without knowledge of astronomy, mathematics, Mayan history and conceptual logic to figure it out.  Besides, that plaster of Paris reproduction currently sitting in everybody’s basement is only one part of the intricate system the Mayans used.  You can’t just look at it — like you can the Playboy calendar — find Tuesday and figure out which day is garbage day.  Why?  First of all, the Mayans took time seriously.  It wasn’t used for trivial things like when’s the long weekend?  Secondly, it’s based on the numbers 13 and 20 which were sacred to the Mayans (even though they have no relevance to measurable time.)  Thirdly, the solar year was a minor unit in Mayan time, not the be-all-end-all we believe it is.  Finally, and most importantly, the Mayans thought of time as circular, not linear – that’s why the thing is round.  Give an ancient Mayan a timeline, our general graphic depiction of time, and he’d say “What the hell’s this?”

mayan4So what has all this got to do with the end of the world?  Lots!  Unlike western calendars which are infinity at both ends (an extremely complex concept, by the way) the Mayan calendar has a definite beginning (August 11, 3114 BCE) and a definite end — December 21, 2012.  And since we all know Mayans are Third World cool, with secret mystical knowledge of the universe, they must know something we don’t — like exactly when the world is going to end.  Thus, the Mayans — that uber-cool little civilization who couldn’t figure out why cutting virginal throats didn’t make it rain — are now the arbiters of human survival!  This was an absolute boon to soothsayers, charlatans and rogues — who now had an event to hang their shysterism on.  They no longer have to rely on sketchy Biblical prophecies, Uri Geller or Nostradamus.  They hitched their books, magazines, blogs and Discovery Channel documentaries to an actual thing – the Mayan Calendar.  Plus, they had a prequalified customer base from all the misconstrued Mayan crap that has been floating around for thirty years or so.  It’s was a license to fleece money.

However, before you give away the farm and spend the next seven days in abject debauchery, let me fill you in on one single, overwhelming fact that nobody seems to be mentioning.  You and I, and everybody else who’s seen Jurassic Park, know damn well that time did not begin on August 11th, 3114 BCE.  In fact, we have it on good authority that Lucy (Australopithcus) and her pals were walking (upright) across Ethiopia over 3 million years before that.  Obviously, something’s wrong here.  It’s like the biblical scholar James Ussher whose calculations pinpointed the time of Creation as Sunday, October 23rd, 4004 BC – not likely.  If those super-smart Mayans were 100% wrong on one end of their calendar, what are the chances they got things right on the other end?  Again — not likely!

I’m no anthropologist, but I don’t think the Mayans were any smarter than themayan1 rest of us.  In fact, I think, given the circular nature of Mayan time, the end of their calendar doesn’t mean the end of time; it’s just a practical way to start over.  All the rest of this current hooplah is just New Age nonsense at its finest.  And I also have the feeling the present day Mayans are laughing themselves stupid at all the fuss their ancestors caused.

However, if I’m wrong, see me in seven days and call me an idiot.

Christmas: Naughty and Nice

nice4We all know that Ralphie from A Christmas Story was right when he said that, for most of the year, kids were scoffers, but when it comes to the endgame all children believe in Santa Claus.  So here we are with less than two weeks to go until the Big Guy’s big night, and many of us are tallying up our naughty and nice points.  If you aren’t, well, good luck with those Kingsford briquets.

The thing is most of our contemporaries wouldn’t know “nice” if it bit them on the nose, and kids haven’t been called “naughty” since Benjamin Spock said that wasn’t very nice, back in the 50s.  That’s the problem with our modern adherence to the Theory of Moral Relativity: we never know where we stand.  But now with Christmas busting out all over, things have suddenly gotten serious.  So I’ve compiled a quick and dirty guideline to help you determine just where you fit on the Naughty and Nice front.  To be sure, this isn’t the be-all/end-all list — there are people out there thinking up naughties 24/7 — but it does represent the spirit of the holiday.

Now the legals.  This list is for entertainment purposes only.  Santa’s Naughty and Nice list is the result of intensive investigations, conducted by trained professionals.  It is the private property of Mr. Claus.  The WD Fyfe Guideline does not imply any endorsement (real or implied) by Santa Claus, Mrs. Claus, the elves, the reindeer or any other denizen of the North Pole.  Nor does it represent any connection to the quality of gifts you may or may not receive this year.  Use this guideline at your own risk.  In other words, if you get total junk for Christmas, it’s your own fault.  Don’t come cryin’ to me ‘cause you lied when you took the test.  (There — I’m glad that’s over with.)

Anyway, it’s very easy.  Everybody starts at zero; give yourself a candy cane for nice realevery Nice and a lump of coal for every Naughty.  If you end up with more candy canes than coal, it’s clear sailing; if it’s the other way around, you’ve got some work to do.  Have fun, be honest and good luck.

Naughty – Yacking off at an innocent salesperson over the shape, size, colour, price or availability of any item you intend to purchase.  They didn’t build the damn thing, and they’ve been on their feet for hours.  Show some respect.

Nice – Making a fuss over a baby’s first Christmas even though the kid’s too young to know whether it’s Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Nathan’s Bar Mitzvah or the 4th of July.  It makes the mom feel good.

Naughty – Parking in the No Parking Zone, Fire Lane or middle of the aisle at the mall.  Who the hell do you think you are?

Nice – Actually singing Christmas carols, not just mouthing along as if you’ve never heard the words before.  You’ve heard these songs every year since you were in diapers.  Would it kill you to crack a tune?

Naughty – Lecturing people when they say “Merry Christmas.”  You’ve got eleven other months of the year to be politically correct – knock yourself out.  (FYI, there’s double coal if you lecture anybody saying “Happy Holidays” or “Season’s Greetings.”  Remember, if they want to be politically correct, it’s their choice, also.)

Nice – Giving some thought to the gifts you give.  Any moron can go buy Gift Cards and pass them out like parking tickets, but at Christmas time, more than any other time of the year, it’s the thought that counts.

nice real1Naughty – Butting into line.  Wait your turn.  We’re all hot, tired and grumpy.

Nice – Talking to Grandma, listening to Uncle Eddie’s endless stories or hearing about Bernice’s hip surgery.  This crap is important to old people; don’t sit there as if you’ve been shot in the face with Novocaine.  Show some interest; they can see you.

Naughty – Driving your humongous armour-plated baby stroller through the mall as if you’re the 7th Cavalry on the road to Baghdad.  Slow down!  Your kid’s getting windburn.

Nice – Lightening up on the Christmas lights.  That’s my electricity you’re wasting.  There’s no need to be able to see your house from space.  If you want to be a Griswold, install solar panels or get a wind turbine.

Naughty – Dosing yourself with perfume, Axe, body spray, cologne or any other known carcinogenic.  Christmas shopping is close order, hand-to-hand combat; chemical weapons are not allowed.

Nice – Having fun.  The holidays are not about stress.  If you’re getting stressed out, you’ve either got the constitution of a parakeet or you’re doing it wrong.  Everybody knows the turkey isn’t going to cook itself, but yelling at the kids, dog or loving life partner isn’t going to cook it any faster, either.

Naughty – Wasting time carping about how Christmas is too commercialized.  You’re not from another planet, and this isn’t your first Christmas, so quit pretending all the glitz and advertising is a big surprise.  And while I’m on the subject, don’t go around acting like you’re the only one who understands the true meaning of Christmas – especially since you’re throwing your credit card into the melee, just like everybody else.

Nice – Remember that the most important gift you can ever give anybody is your time.

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