Category: Society

What The Hell Is “Abnormal Bleeding?”

One of the reasons our society is going to Hell in a handcart is we have no idea what we’re saying anymore.  We’re screwing up the beauty of the English language so badly it’s a wonder it doesn’t ask us for a divorce.

“I’m fed up with you treating me like gibberish.  Get out!  And I’m taking custody of all the words.”

This isn’t just a minor misunderstanding over a few stupid things like Jumbo Shrimp or Military Intelligence.  This is serious.  There are some irreconcilable differences between us and the language we love.  Here are a few examples:

one day at a time – Think about this.  That’s the way they come.  Announcing to the world that you’re taking things “one day at a time” violates Einstein’s 3rd Law of You’re a Dumb Ass.  Are there people in this world who take things TWO days at a time?

bad luck – If your luck is bad, by definition, it isn’t luck anymore.  Finding a bag of money is lucky.  Getting hit by a car as you pick it up is not a different kind of luck.  Luck does not come in alternative forms.  You’re lucky or…

sex addict – There is no such thing.  We’re genetically programmed to want sex; that’s why there are more than 7 billion of us crawling around this planet.  Mother Nature gave us sexual desire so we would thrive as a species and have fun doing it.  Jerks like Tiger Woods are just trying to weasel (no offence, weasels) out of bad marital problems, and they think people believe this “sex addict” crap.

homophobia – First of all, a “phobia” or abnormal fear of gay people is not an illness.  Lifestyle or pharmaceuticals aren’t going to make you better.  Secondly, if homophobes think in stereotypes, what are they afraid of:  Nice shoes?  Designer dogs?  Square dancing?  Here’s the deal: homophobes don’t have a psychological disorder; they’re assholes.

fresh raisins – We need to remember raisins started out as grapes — a long time ago.

suicide bomber – The person with the bomb might very well be committing suicide, but the rest of the folks within shrapnel range simply aren’t.  The last time I looked, suicide was not an involuntary activity.  If you’re standing around waiting for a bus and suddenly you get your insides blown out, suicide has nothing to do with it: you’ve just been murdered.

And the list goes on from “light pollution” to “crash landing” (let that one sink in!) and if we don’t fix it soon, we might just as well jabber away at each other in Emoticons.

What Happened To The Tango?

There are places where it’s illegal for teenagers to have sex because the authorities are worried it might lead kids to the tango.  The tango is Adults Only, any way you slice it.  It takes sophistication and patience to understand the sensual rhythm of two people moving with each other when they’re barely touching.  Exotic?  Erotic?  All of the above?  Unfortunately, in our time, we don’t tango all that much.  We let the professionals do it and watch, as if it were pornography.  Why?  I blame the “relationship.”  This nasty euphemism has not only ruined the tango for ordinary people; it’s responsible for most of what’s wrong with love in the 21st century.  Here’s the deal:

1 – What the hell does “relationship” even mean?  Unlike love, there’s nothing special about a relationship.  We all have relationships with any number of people, from our colleagues to the kid who delivers the pizza.  Push comes to shove, I have a relationship with my houseplants: they’re beautiful, and I water them.  If I don’t, they’ll crisp up and croak; then we both lose.  Personally, I think using the same word to describe what’s going on with the love of your life and your $19.00 bougainvillea is just a bit dismissive.

2 – People are always talking about taking their “relationship” to another level.  Look, (nudge/nudge, wink/wink) we all know this means sex.  Folks, love is not a video game with orgasms.  You don’t collect points for getting the dinner reservations right or remembering an anniversary, then cash them in some rainy night when you’re feeling lonely.  That’s not how it works.  Trying to figure out sex is difficult enough.  Turning it into a Reward Challenge is just sick!

3 – “Relationship” words all suck.  I want to “be with him.”  I have “feelings for her.”  Who are these people talking about — their grandmas?  You can’t sterilize passion.  Once you do, it isn’t passion anymore.

4 – People are always working at their “relationships” as if they were some kind of emotional salt mine.  Honestly, if it’s that difficult, why bother? After all, love is supposed to be fun.

5 – And finally, being “in a relationship” sounds like you’re bunking in for the weekend (or maybe slightly longer.)  The extraordinary connotation of the “relationship” is it’s temporary.  It has a definite beginning, a middle and an end.  I’ll grant you, few of us mate for life anymore, but I, for one, think love is valuable enough to at least give it a try.

People fall in love.  We can’t help it.  It’s marvelous and messy, but we shouldn’t try to institutionalize the romance out of it.  When we do, we lose beautiful things like the tango.  We don’t tango anymore because we’re too busy working on our “relationships.”   We haven’t got time to see the person right in front of us and realize they’re hearing the music, too.

Women Get Stuff

I am painfully aware that writing about gender in these troubled times is like being the goalie on a javelin team, but I’m going to do it anyway.  Stereotypes be damned!  The truth has to be told: women get way more cool stuff than men.  Yes, I realize there’s the whole punitive underwear problem and, beyond Barbie, toys for girls generally suck. But look around you: women have tons more fun with life than men do.  Why?  ‘Cause they get all the good stuff.  Here’s a selection of evidence to prove it.

Sleeves — Women get more sleeves than men.  There are bell sleeves, cap sleeves, raglan sleeves, lily-point sleeves, bishop sleeves etc., etc., etc.  In fact, according to one source, there are over 40 different sleeves available to women.  And what do men get?  Long sleeves and short sleeves!

Hats — Put a hat — any hat — on a woman and you’ve got instant sexy.  Put a hat on a man, and unless his name is Indiana Jones, Humphrey Bogart or Che Guevara, you’ve got a candidate for Geek Of The Week.

Colours — Women get all the colours.  Men get several shades of mud.  Don’t believe me?  How many men do you know who are climbing the corporate ladder in a 3-piece, electric-blue hounds-tooth suit with ruby red shoes and matching belt?

Hair — Even Stephen Hawking can’t calculate the infinity plus one number of things women can do with their hair.  Meanwhile, on the other side of the chromosome patch, men have the faux hawk, the man bun and bald.

Shoes — I’m not even going to touch this one.

Stories — See a well-dressed woman dining alone in an expensive restaurant and there’s an elaborate story there somewhere.  See a well-dressed man dining alone in an expensive restaurant and … he just got dumped … like, 20 minutes ago.

And finally:

Girl’s Night Out — Girl’s Night can range from a drunken pub crawl through the streets of Maribor, Slovenia — where someone ends up with her panties in her purse — to Ramen Noodle Night with sweatpants, jasmine tea and vintage Ryan Gosling videos.  On the other hand, since the beginning of time, Boy’s Night has always involved a game, junk food, alcohol and the eruption of various bodily gases.

I rest my case!