“Relationships” Are Dangerous


One of the reasons I hate “relationships” is people are beginning to think they’re the natural order of things.  They’re not.  Antony was not in a “relationship” with Cleopatra; he was in love with her.  D’uh!  Unfortunately, in the 21st century, a lot of people think love is some kind of an emotional unicorn. (Everybody knows what it looks like, but nobody’s actually seen it.)  So, rather than taking a chance on a nasty kick in the heart, we’ve replaced the whole messy business of love with the “relationship” — a muddy little word that can mean just about anything.  This guarantees that nobody has too big an emotional stake in a very emotional game.  The problem is, however, once you’ve signed a pre-nuptial agreement on your feelings, most “relationships” last a lot longer than your emotional commitment to them — with disastrous results.  Here are a few ways an overdue “relationship” can suck the life out of you.

I’m A Coward — This is when two people stay together because — well — because.  Nobody wants to end up sitting alone on a park bench, feeding the pigeons.  However, staying together just to avoid that is something science calls inertia, and once that sets in, you’re already halfway to that bench.

Revenge — This is simple: “You’re not the person you told me you were, and I’ve wasted a lot of time on you. So now I’m going to make you just as miserable as I am.”

Emotional Paintball — This is the relationship that’s nothing more than a low-level firefight.  These people spend their days sniping at each other and setting up elaborate emotional ambushes.  They do it for the drama ’cause there’s nothing else there.

What About The Stuff? — These are the people who stay together because of the house, the cars and all the other crap they’ve accumulated.

What Will The Neighbours Think? — This is the couple who are always looking over their shoulders ’cause they believe everyone is so-o-o interested in them.  They don’t actually like each other anymore, but their collective egos won’t let them split up.

The Children — Worst reason ever!  Passing your dysfunctional lives on to the next generation is just child abuse.

Sex — Here’s the deal.  Eventually, gravity and Mother Nature are going to come calling, and you’re not going to look all that good naked, anymore. ( Just sayin’!)

And that, folks, is why you’re better off believing in love.

4 NEVERs In Any “Relationship”

neverIt’s an unfortunate symptom of the 21st century, but people have “relationships.” God, I hate that word!  Personally, I think being too chicken for la petite folie de l’amour  is one of the biggest problems in our world,  but who am I to judge?  So, in keeping with these troubled times, here are 4 things you should never — NEVER — do when you are in a “relationship.”  (FYI, this goes double if you actually have the good sense to be in love!)

1 — When you’re on vacation with your girlfriend, NEVER kneel down to tie your shoes.  Seriously, you’re better off tripping on the laces and breaking your neck.  Think about it — weekend getaway, dinner for two, bottle of wine, starry night (maybe a moon) — you’re walking back to the hotel and you say, “Just a minute, honey,” and get down on one knee.  Partner, you better have at least two carats hiding in your sock (and not orange ones, either) or you just pulled the biggest dick-move in history and she will brand you with it for life.  And, BTW, if you do this in Paris, stand up, turn around, walk briskly to the Seine and throw yourself in.

2 — NEVER answer the question, “Do these jeans make me look fat?  You’re in a lose/lose situation, friend.  She’s already doing the over the shoulder ass-check in the mirror (not the best angle) and has decided they do — or she wouldn’t ask.  So, you can say no and she’ll hear you lying to her (whether you are or not) and somehow conclude she can never believe you again.  Or you can say yes and she will hear that you’ve just declared, before God and everybody, that you think she’s a two-legged Hungry-Hungry-Hippo.  The choice is yours, but I’d poke my eyes out with a pencil before I’d get trapped into that one.

3 — NEVER, under any circumstances (even if they hold a gun to your head) admit you think another living, breathing human being is hot.  This includes your brother-in-law, your attorney, the garbage man, Zac Efron, Batman, Mr. Johal (your son’s math teacher) Freddie from 6th grade and Susan Horstnagel (the blonde chick from Accounting.)  No good will come of this.  This kind of information will turn even the most caring/sharing metro-sexual male into Cro-Magnon man. It will ignite a low-level testosterone conflict (“pissin’ contest” is so crude) between your guy and every man you’ve ever met.  Plus, poor Ms. Horstnagel will take centre stage on some deep-dish fantasies that used to be reserved for the pages of Penthouse Letters.

4 — NEVER get the name wrong during sex.  NEVER!

Young People, Beware!

tattooYoung people, beware!  The world is full of voices dishing out unsolicited advice about how you should live your life.  Most of it is just vague crap like stay in school, don’t do drugs, travel, save your money, take risks, etc. etc.  Yeah, yeah, yeah!  Good luck tryin’ to do all that in a 24 hour day without taking amphetamines.  The problem is not one of these modern day Poloniuses is being honest with you.  Here’s the deal.  Life is surprisingly long, it’s changeable and, unfortunately, it’s those little decisions that have the uncanny ability to show up years later and make you look like a loser.  Here are some truths.

Tattoos — Rethink the ink.  Back in the day, body art was cool, but this is 2016 and tattoos have become the monogram of the middle class.  They’re about as badass as a minivan.  The reality is, if you truly believe gothic demons, “Sexy Lady” or the Chinese character for “Bliss” is still going to be primo important to you when you’re 50, you have a distinct lack of imagination.  That’s like keeping your highschool hair style for 30 years!  However, if you must get dermatologically decorated, think small because, as you get older, gigantic, saggy-ass tattoos are a spectacular way to tell the world your party’s over.

Smoking — That’s just stupid.

Sex tapes — Don’t!  I know the temptation is almost unbearable, but recording your sexual adventures is never a good idea.  There are just too many ways for your private passions to become public property.  Even if you’re completely comfortable with Rashid, down at the grocery store, critiquing your technique with the produce manager — while you’re standing there — it’s going to be mega awkward in twenty years when 12 year old Emma accidently stumbles on Mom and what may (or may not) be Daddy, orally engaged.  That, my friends, is a dignity killer!

And finally

Bad relationships — Don’t waste your time.  The difference between love and lust can be measured in shots of tequila.  Never try to justify horny with violins and roses.  Sometimes, they’re the same — no doubt.  However, wanting to have sex with someone doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve met your soulmate.  True love does exist but … that ache in the bottom of your belly might just be a bad case of libido.  Think of it this way!  Love is fun, so if you’re spending more time “trying to make this relationship work” than actually enjoying it — it’s time to move on.  Bitter can become a bad habit.

We all get old eventually; that’s the easy part.  It’s the little things that let you do it gracefully.