July 4 – Special Edition

people

Today is the 4th of July, American Independence Day.  And there isn’t a person on this planet who doesn’t have a strong opinion about The Land of Milk and Money – everything from the last bastion of liberty to the first convulsions of a dying giant.  However, today is not the day for that debate, and as much as contemporary passions don’t concern themselves with facts, unfortunately, to quote John Adams, “Facts are stubborn things” – they just won’t go away.

So, yes, there is a lot wrong with the world’s oldest surviving democracy, but here are just a very few “facts” that seldom get a mention these days.

There are more museums, art galleries and live theatres in the United States than in any other nation in the world.

The US has more public libraries (read: free) than the rest of the world combined.

There are 3 times as many teachers in America as there are police officers.

And, unlike most places on this planet, on average, university professors in America earn more than Army generals.

Those professors work at American universities which spend mega-money on research.  There is more medical and scientific research conducted in the United States than in any other country.

In fact, in 2018, the top 10 US schools alone spent over 11 billion dollars studying everything from laser surgery to micro agriculture.  And here’s the best part.  Nearly 90% of that research is available to the world – for free.  All you have to do is ask.

Meanwhile, there are nearly 2 million registered volunteer agencies in America (and that doesn’t include all the ad hoc local groups, who run bake sales, sell raffle tickets, plant community gardens, visit seniors, etc., etc., etc.)  In all, over 70 million Americans do some kind of recognized volunteer work every year.  That’s nearly 20% of the population – far more than in any other country in the world.

In 2015, the top ten charities in America raised and distributed over $26 billion dollars.  That’s more than the next three most generous nations (New Zealand, Canada and the UK) combined.

And not to be out done, American corporations, the capitalist bogeyman of sophomores everywhere, contributed more money, material and in- kind work hours to charity than any other country.

In all, it’s estimated that Americans donate 258 billion dollars — that’s $258,000,000,000.00 — to charities (domestic and foreign) every year.

Plus, in 2016, the United States paid 10 billion of the roughly 50 billion dollar United Nations operating budget.  That kind of money goes a long way to keeping IFAD, ILO, UNESCO, UNICEF and UN Women going.  By contrast, China, the world largest nation, paid $1.3 billion and Vladimir Putin’s Russia paid a measly $562 million.

And every year, the US government gives – GIVES – over $30 billion in non-military foreign aid to countries around the world.  FYI, nearly one billion of that goes to free vaccinations for children.  That’s free money, folks — courtesy of the American taxpayer.  It comes from the woman who drives the truck.  The guy with 3 kids in school.  The barista working the night shift.  The recent college graduate with 2 part-time jobs, a useless boyfriend and a student loan.  It comes from the architect, the nurse, the butcher, the baker and even the candlestick maker.  It comes from the millions of Americans who never show up on the news.

Over the last 244 years, since John Hancock and the boys signed the Declaration of Independence, US presidents, policies and perceptions have changed many times.  However, ordinary Americans have always maintained a remarkable ability to cope, an incredible desire to help — at home and around the world — and an extraordinary willingness to share their good fortune.

 

Happy Birthday, America!

 

What Fresh Hell Is This?

hornet

It’s pretty obvious that 2020 is being written by Stephen King.  Last January, we were all walking around happy as clams, content to bitch about winter, customer service and kids staring at their video screens.  What a difference 3 months make!  Here we are in May, winter is over, there is no customer service (cuz there are no customers) and everybody’s staring at their video screen.  Fortunately, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel – but, don’t crack out the champagne, just yet.

A couple of weeks ago, “murder hornets” were spotted in British Columbia, Canada and Washington State.  (I’m not making this up, folks.)  These bugs (real name Vespa Mandarinia) are 5 centimetres (2 inches) long, have a stinger that can penetrate protective clothing and come from (Guess where?) Asia.  Plus, they’re vicious little bastards.  Their sting carries neurotoxins that, on average, kill about 50 people every year in Japan alone.  In fact, the American Department of Agriculture is warning people, ‘Don’t try to take them out yourself if you see them.  If you get into them, run away, then call us!”  It looks as if Mother Nature is running The Hunger Games!

But this horror movie script isn’t even the bad news.  The bad news is “murder hornets” eat baby bees.  You remember bees.  They’re the furry, little guys who get busy every day, flying from flower to flower, pollinating the world, which — OMG! — is essential to the food chain.  And it gets worse.  It seems that because North American bees have never seen “murder hornets,” they aren’t afraid of them and have no strategy to protect themselves.

Luckily, our friends the bees have a friend in the Department of Agriculture, and so far, we’ve got the drop on these foreign invaders.  We discovered them early and now have a couple of months to get rid of them before they start their killing spree in late August.  “Cry havoc!  And loose the flyswatters of War!”

In more positive news:

Drive-in movie theatres are making a comeback, and since mid-March, fewer people are committing adultery.

Now wash your hands and go back to work!

A Few More Activities

activities

It’s May.  The days are getting longer.  OMG, the days are getting longer!  We’ve been running out of things to do since half-past April, and now we’ve got more sunlight to cope with.  God, it’s like news of fresh disasters!  Not to worry, though.  Here are a few activities that will take the sting out of self-isolation.  Enjoy!

Collect all the plastic food containers in your house and spread them out on the floor.  Now, one by one, try to match each container with a lid that fits.  For extra fun, before you start, guess how many lids you’re going to have left over.

Dial random numbers on your telephone.  Since the entire world is in some kind of lockdown, chances are good whoever you call will be home, and they might appreciate the opportunity to make a new friend – or not.  Try to guess which it will be before you call.  However, be careful with the time difference: people tend to be grouchy when you wake them up in the middle of the night just to say hi, and that will upset your results.

Teach yourself how to fold a fitted sheet.  (No cheating with YouTube.)  Fitted sheets are the Rubik’s Cube of bed linen and will provide hours of entertainment before you finally figure it out – if ever.

Pretend you’re a spy and, with a grocery receipt and various food items, try to decode the Bar Code.

Write a letter to your unborn granddaughter, explaining what a bra was.

Find the box of useless souvenirs that’s been in the closet for years.  Identify each one and mail it back to the place of origin with a thank you note.  It’s not like the folks at The Louvre have anything to do these days, and they might be grateful to hear you haven’t forgotten them.  Plus, they can resell the item.  Surely somebody else would love to have a plastic Venus de Milo with a clock in her belly.

Turn off the Internet.  Wait as long as you can possibly stand it.  Try to access Facebook or Instagram or Twitter.  Feel that nanosecond surge of panic when the “Internet cannot be found” message comes on the screen.  Then turn the Internet back on and feel the euphoric relief.  Try it!  It’s kinda like bungee jumping inside your own head.

Check the lyrics on all those great old songs you’ve kinda/sorta forgotten the words to.  Print them out, and while you’re washing your hands, mumble the chorus and then sing the verses really loud.  It will be a whole new thing for you.

Adopt an ungrateful celebrity and explain to them how the real world works.  That should take a while.

And finally:

Try to figure out which Covid-19 conspiracy theory is the most batshit crazy.  You can start with how the 5G network spreads Covid-19 or – no!  wait! – even better! – how this whole thing was caused by some teenagers in Iowa playing Jumanji.