Chinese New Year — Bitter and Twisted

Happy Chinese New Year!  With that in mind, here is a reissue of the 12 Years of the Chinese Calendar (if they were honest!)  See if you can recognize any of your friends.

zodiac1 Monkey – 1944, 1956, 1968, 1980, 1992, 2004
You are a yappy waste of space who’s fascinated by your own feces.  You think people like you, but they’re actually laughing at you behind your back.  You look ridiculous half the time.

Rooster – 1945, 1957, 1969, 1981, 1993, 2005
You’re an arrogant know-it-all, strutting around, giving everybody the benefit of your opinion.  Actually, you’ve never said anything of value and just keep repeating  yourself — over and over and over.  Even your friends want to choke the life out of you.

Dog -1946, 1958, 1970, 1982, 1994, 2006
You are the world’s biggest suck.  It’s truly embarrassing to watch just how much ass-kissing you’re capable of.

Pig – 1947, 1959, 1971, 1983, 1995, 2007
You’re forever reminding people how smart you are to cover up your disgusting behaviour and atrocious table manners.  Nobody (and I mean NOBODY) wants to sleep with you — ever.  For God sake, use some deodorant!

Rat -1948, 1960, 1972, 1984, 1996, 2008
You are a cunning and devious little bastard who’s constantly plotting against your friends.  Most people don’t like you, and even people who don’t know you think you’re an asshole.

Ox – 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009
You are incredibly stupid and everybody takes advantage of you.  You’re going to end up with a shit job and no social life because you’re so boring nobody wants to be around you.

Tiger -1950, 1962, 1974, 1986, 1998, 2010
What a bully!  You think you’re tough, but all you really are is sneaky.  Why don’t you pick on somebody your own size, ya loser?

Rabbit -1951, 1963, 1975, 1987, 1999, 2011
You are promiscuous to a fault, without the smarts to be a whore.  You think you’re cute, but you’re just a pumped up little weasel who’ll screw anything with a pulse.

Dragon -1952, 1964, 1976, 1988, 2000, 2012
You’re a total egomania, but most people don’t even know you exist.  The ones who do think you’re a blowhard and avoid you whenever possible.  You’ll probably end up dead in a ditch somewhere.

Snake -1953, 1965, 1977, 1989, 2001, 2013
You’re a smarmy, two-faced liar who would sell your own grandmother if you thought there was any profit in it.  People throw stones at you and chase you with sticks.

Horse -1954, 1966, 1978, 1990, 2002, 2014
You’re a petty little masochist who loves having your ass whipped.  You’re always getting scammed into doing all the work and letting others take the credit for it.  You think this is noble, but it’s just pathetic.

Sheep -1955, 1967, 1979, 1991, 2003, 2015
You’re such  a complete pussy even little kids push you around.  You have no ambition in life and spend all your time hanging out with other people just as useless as you are.  Your idea of a good time is a haircut.

Gong Hey Fat Choy