Tag: contemporary culture

Relationships are Difficult

tv ad4The other day I had another argument with my television set.  We are no longer speaking, it and I.  I think it’s better if we stay away from each other for a while rather than say or do things we might regret later.  I’m not one to badmouth things behind their backs; if I have anything to say, I’ll say it right to the screen.  However, my TV is as petulant as a Somali warlord and about half as predictable.  Still, every grey cloud has a silver lining, and while my TV and I have been giving each other the cold shoulder I’ve had time to reevaluate our relationship.

I must admit my TV is not totally to blame for our breakup.  It’s apparent we’ve grown apart in recent years.  Sadly, even though it has tried to keep the magic alive, introducing new channels and keeping the picture quality bright and beautiful, I find myself longing for the good old days when it was just the two of us.  We only had basic cable then and a mechanical videotape machine (that flashed 12:00, 12:00, 12:00) but we were young and reckless and it didn’t matter.  These days my TV sets the time by itself – from a satellite.  It doesn’t need me or the Owner’s Manual.  In fact, there is no Owner’s Manual, anymore; everything comes preset.  I remember it, though: the childlike wonder of exploring new features, experimenting with the settings, long afternoons slowly coaxing the perfect contrast and brightness levels; each subtle change responding to my touch.  Once, I switched the default language to Spanish as a prank; in better times, we still laugh about that one.  Then there were those long winter nights when I’d stop off at Blockbuster or Videomatica.  We’d order pizza and spend the evening in the darkness, laughing with Tom Hanks or the Blues Brothers.  One weekend, we just stayed home and watched the entire Star Wars trilogy – twice!  Those were good times, back in the day.

In all honesty, I haven’t been totally faithful to my TV.  I’ve watched movies on my computer and played games on my telephone.  But they were sordid affairs on darkened, domestic flight airlines and city buses.  They didn’t mean anything to me.  I used earphones and never got the full experience.  In fact, they only made me appreciate my 40 inch flat screen — with stereo theatre sound-around — all the more.

I suppose it was just the day-to-day routine that drove me to use other devices.  I can have whatever I want, whenever I want it, but there’s a sameness about it – no spontaneity, no discovery, no trembling anticipation.  Despite all the channels, the HD picture, the iTunes Video on Demand, it always comes back to the same old/same old: know-it-all detective shows and dysfunctional family drama.

In fact, that was what the argument was about in the first place.  I wanted to watch something different for once, but it was already recording two “We’re all Doomed” documentaries and refused to change without killing one of them.  Then I accidently killed them both and recorded a stupid insult sitcom with Charlie Sheen.  So you see, it wasn’t actually her fault, at all.  In fact, she was just doing what she thought I wanted.  At the end of the day, that’s the real problem.  I haven’t kept up with all the changes in her life.  I really don’t know what half her remote buttons do anymore, and I haven’t given her the quality time it takes to find out.  It’s no wonder she thinks I take her for granted.  Yet, there she is, all by herself in the corner, quietly recording Season Three of Downton Abbey just so I don’t miss an episode.  I guess it wouldn’t kill me to go over and see if she wants to take a look at HBO and see if there’s something on.  Besides, I’m sure she wouldn’t want me to miss the NFL playoffs this weekend.

But I don’t think it’s a good time to say anything about the “Words with Friends” app I’ve got on my telephone.

2013: Dull, If Not Boring!

new year3The year is less than two weeks old, but I’m willing to go out on a limb and say 2013 isn’t going to be a very good year.  It’s not going to suck or anything; it’s just going to be dull, boring, historically dismissive.  It’ll be one of those years which a hundred years from now nobody’s going care about.  Kinda like 1489, or 1843 or 1771.  Those were years that, I imagine, were perfectly cool at the time but simply couldn’t keep their lustre compared to 1492, 1848 and 1776.  They just didn’t have the star power.

First of all, 2013 doesn’t sound right.  It’s got too many syllables or something.   It trips on the tongue.  Nineteen eighteen has cadence.  Ten sixty six has rhythm.  Forty four B.C. has an authority about it.  These are all years when big stuff happened.   However, take a look at twelve fifty seven or seven thirty one.  These are years that so closely resemble every other year that even nerdy historians don’t worry about what happened then because guess what?  Nothing did.  That’s going to be the problem with 2013.

Yeah, we’re going to have all the regular stuff in 2013: Easter, Father’s Day, Labour Day, Christmas etc., but we’re not going to have any of the big stuff.  There are no Olympics this year, no World Cup and most importantly, no American elections.  American politics are going to be dominated by budget negotiations.  Big snooze!  Budgets aren’t sexy, and besides now that Obama’s been re-elected, there’s nothing much at stake.  The political shine is off the rose and all those oh-so-committed (informed? engaged?) voters are heading for the exits.  The last thing any of them wants to do is play Survivor with fiscal responsibility; a subject most people think is about as exciting as eating lukewarm Kraft Dinner.  No, Springsteen and Oprah have put away their microphones for the duration, and political entertainment has left the building.

Speaking of entertainment; don’t expect 2013 to be a banner year at the movies,new year2 either.  Film makers are doing so many storyline retrofits I fully expect to see Holmes on Homes listed as technical advisor in most of the credits.  First, there’s The Lone Ranger with Johnny Depp, who is going to outshine Armie Hammer by a long shot and probably end up riding off into the sunset with Red (Helena Bonham Carter) leaving Lone to fend for himself.  Then, there’s Gatsby who was great when Redford portrayed him in the ‘70s; something about Oz which has James Franco playing a prequel to Dorothy (remember him in drag at the Oscars, hmmm?) and two more additions to the Star Trek and Superman franchises – like we need those.  Eventually, Hollywood is going to get boiled down to just one single movie with various sequels, prequels and equals regurgitated every year.  Oh yeah, I almost forgot, there’s another Die Hard this year, which, with any luck at all will be Die Hard: Once and for all.  Unfortunately, I think John McClane is going to go on forever — like those “Call Me Maybe” parodies on YouTube.

Of course, in 2013, there won’t be that YouTube menace Psy kicking around.  2012’s answer to The Starlight Vocal Band is gone, if not already forgotten.  Last time I looked, he was hanging out in Times Square on New Year’s Eve with Jenny McCarthy and MC Hammer.  If that isn’t a triple whammy kiss of death, I don’t know what is?  And don’t expect a 2013 equivalent of “gangnam style;” there’s only so much a discerning public can stand in one decade.

That’s probably the problem with 2013.  This decade is relatively new, and there’s a whole pile of stuff out there just quietly waiting to hit the fan.  When it does, we’re going to have a lot more than reinvigorated “Hammer time” to contend with!  Actually, this might be the calm before the storm.  So, to that end, I suggest you just sit back and relax in the relative peace and quiet of the next eleven months or so.  Gather your wits about you, because after that it’s going to be “Buckle up, Pardner!  Here we go again!”