Tag: contemporary life

I’m Not A Cynic, But …

bicycle-1455776_1920When I was a child, I thought that most of my friends were just a little bit higher up on the scrotum pole than I was.  I didn’t have low self-esteem or anything.  First of all, that’s a modern affectation, and secondly, I was a very confident kid.  It was just that they always seemed to have cool stuff going on while I was permanently chained to ordinary.  For example, my buddy Wilfred and I both had bikes, but he also had another one that was way better than mine. It was Toronto Maple Leaf’s blue and white (just like in the Sears catalogue) but it also had a basket so he could get a job delivering groceries and such when he got older.  Plus, it was a CCM (just like in the Sears catalogue) — the Holy Grail of two-wheeled transportation in our neighbourhood.  Unfortunately, Wilfred’s parents made him keep it at his grandmother’s house, so I never actually got to see this magnificent conveyance — but I certainly believed it was there.  There were other stories, too: Dorothy Becker’s cousin had met The Beatles, Kelvin’s uncle was going to give him his entire collection of winning marbles from the time when he was World Champion, and Doug Sanders’ dad had won the war — when he secretly shot Hilter.*  Yes, I was a naive youth and even today, I’m embarrassed by the number of years it took me to realize that Wilfred’s extra bike only existed in the pages of the Sears catalogue.  However, I bear no animosity to the Wilfreds of the world.  This is just what people do  They have a burning need to look good, and sometimes they’re willing to bend reality into a circus of contortions to get there.

Think about it!

Even though used car salesman has become synonymous with shyster, when was the last time anybody didn’t get a great deal on a used car?  I’ll tell you when.  My 1963 Triumph Spitfire — $300.00 to buy it, $1600.00 in estimated repairs and 85 bucks to tow it away.  However, since the day I waved that piece of junk goodbye, I haven’t heard of one person on this planet who didn’t get a totally smokin’ deal, buying somebody else’s automotive problems.  Not one!  In fact, I’m surprised, given that every used car in the last 40 years was sold at cost or below, that there are any used car dealerships left in the world.

It’s the same with Vegas.  I don’t know anyone, or know anyone who knows anyone who lost money in Las Vegas.  Ask anyone who has just returned from the Seed of Greed in America, and they will tell you either: a) “I came out about even” or b) “I won enough to pay for the trip.”  Nobody says, “Holy crap! That place is so totally cool we spent way more money than we thought we were going to … but it was worth it.”  Oddly enough, people will sometimes say that about Paris, London, New York or San Francisco — but never Vegas.  Nope!  The first thing out of their mouth is how much money they didn’t lose.  Even though everybody knows, in the end, the house always wins, and the boys running the casinos didn’t build them so we could all take our money home with us.

And it goes on and on — mortgage rates, computer prices, cell phone plans, extended warranties, etc., etc., etc.  There’s no end to the wonderful stuff that always seems to happen — to other people.  I’m not a cynic, but … these days, when I hear someone puttin’ on the brag about something that seems too good to be true, I usually figure it is.  Thanks, Wilfred!

*Just to clarify, I didn’t spend my childhood surrounded by a pack of pathological liars.  These stories (and a select few others) happened in three different locations over the better part of 18 years.

Nothing But Truth

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Truth is one of those things that everybody says they want, but in reality, people are not all that interested in it when it actually shows up.  This is because people like to go with the flow, and truth tends to get in the way of what people want to believe.  So here are a few truths that most people try to avoid.

Greed is not a bad thing — Greed may be responsible for a lot of problems in this world, but look around you: 99.99% of everything you see is the result of some greedy bastard figuring out a way to make money.  Without greed, we’d all still be killing our own food, peeing in the woods and dying at the ripe old age of 31.

People are not equal — We’ve spent the last 4 generations trying to fool ourselves into thinking that all people are equal.  They aren’t.  Here’s how it works.  I’m an average person — which means that there are millions of people out there who are smarter than I am and therefore have a better-than-average chance of making better decisions than I do.  On the other hand, there are also millions of people who aren’t as smart as me, and therefore their decisions are mostly crap.  Yes, we all bleed red blood, but smart people tend to avoid knife fights.

There is a Pretty Girl Rule — Like it or don’t, pretty girls get treated better than anyone else on this planet.  On the flip side, they also have to put up with a lot more bullshit than the rest of us.

Advertising doesn’t work — Even though junior college sociologists keep telling us it’s not our fault we buy stupid stuff — it is.  The truth is advertising doesn’t actually manipulate all that many people into buying things.  If it did, we’d all still be driving Edsels™, drinking New Coke™ and playing Atari™ video games.  Serious marketers know that advertising leads from the rear.  It chases trends; it doesn’t create them and its sole purpose is brand recognition.  Don’t believe me?  Go spend a gazillion dollars advertising buggy whips and see how far that gets you.

Life is all about sex and death — I hate to admit it, but Freud was right and all those billions of synapses in our brains that are supposed to separate us from the beasts and the begonias — don’t.  Arrogant we may be, but the bottom line is humans are just another species on this planet, and we’re governed by the same rules: stay alive, and get laid.

And finally:

We’re getting better at this — Despite what the “Ain’t It Awful” crowd keeps yelling about, across the Internet and out of every other media orifice, the world is not going to Hell on frequent flyer miles.  In the 21st century, there is less poverty, less famine, fewer wars, and fewer epidemics than at any time in history.  There’s also less discrimination, less racism, less gender inequality and less violent crime.  Infant mortality is at an all-time low, and life expectancy is increasing.  We produce more food, clean more polluted water and generate more sustainable energy than ever before.  There are still a lot of things wrong with this world, but the truth is — when you stop, take three deep ones, and look at it — we’re actually beginning to build a better world.

Free Old Man Advice

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When I was kid, old people always started their stories with “When I was your age …” and then they’d ramble on for awhile until one of us got bored.  They meant well, like a strange dog licking your face, but, since I had no idea what — uh — life experiences their tongues had been through, wagging them at me about life, love and the logistics of adolescent sex was kinda icky.  Fast forward 50 years, and now I’m the guy telling the stories.  Luckily, these days, young people aren’t forced to be as polite as we were, so most of my tales remain untold, thank God!  However, on occasion I do feel the need to bore the hell out of people with some free old man advice.

Never drink Tequila on an empty stomach.  Unlike most alcohol, tequila is unforgiving, and whereas you’re probably going to do something stupid with whiskey, beer and even red wine, tequila will turn you into the Mad Hatter, escaped from Wonderland.  One time, in a border town called Sierra Vista — well — let’s just say nearby Fort Huachuca is a CIA listening post, and even though they’re awfully busy. sometimes they’re very interested in listening to a loudmouth Canadian.

Don’t waste your breath telling people to “Calm down!”  (Does this ever work?)  Once, through no fault of my own, I made a rude hand gesture to a biker, his girlfriend and his somewhat larger companion.  And believe me, telling them to “calm down” was not as useful as the cops who showed up in the nick of time.

Definitely, sweat the details!  It’s never the big stuff that does you in, but forget one condom (twice) at the Alpha Phi Sorority’s Hayride-Under-The-Stars, and you’re in for four weeks of protracted anxiety.

Unless your doctor has absolutely no sense of humour, never listen to your inner child — ’cause when you try to explain how you burned your private parts with chocolate sauce and get your foot caught in the toaster, it’ll be a lot easier if she doesn’t burst out laughing halfway through.

And that’s the problem with old people telling stories — even though they might offer some sage advice, they’re normally pretty boring.