Taylor Swift: You Ignorant … (Oops! I can’t say that!)

swiftTaylor Swift has a new album out.  Coincidentally (nudge/nudge wink/wink) she launched it right after a boatload of media attention over a lawsuit she had against some guy who allegedly grabbed her ass four years ago.  According to the evidence, a DJ in Denver decided it was open season on one of the most famous bums on the planet, and as the cameras rolled, he copped a feel.  You can’t actually see him do it, but Swift maintains he did.  For my money, given Swift’s reputation for musical revenge, that was a pretty stupid move.  In fact, if he actually did it, this guy’s got to be the dumbest dumbass of the century!  Of course, if he didn’t do it — well — nobody really cares about that because Swift was always going to win the lawsuit anyway.  Why?  Because Taylor Swift; that’s why!  Think about it.  Any ruling against Ms. Swift’s allegations would have unleashed a Social Media tsunami.  The Internet mob would have risen up in holy indignation and dragged the judge through the cyberstreets by his cojones.  The members of the jury would have been hunted down and put to the lash.  Jobs would have been lost and reputations ruined.  (We’ve seen it before.)  Honestly, death threats would have been the least of that jury’s worries.  Fortunately, none of that happened.  What happened was the judge and jury made the judicious decision, dodged a digital bullet and walked away.  Team Taylor generated a pile of free publicity and put their client back on the celebrity A-list.  Taylor Swift became the reigning queen of Tweenie Girl Power.  The DJ from Denver slithered away into the ooze of obscurity from which he came.  And — oh, yeah: Ms. Swift is about to haul in a shedload of cash from her latest kiss-and-yell musical adventure.

Personally, I think the DJ from Denver is as guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo.  I also believe Swift should have sued him for a lot more than a symbolic dollar just to teach him to keep his hands to himself.  After all, nobody know how many non-famous bums he’s squeezed over the years.  However, as everybody knows, Swift and her people are masters of media manipulation, and the timing of this whole sordid affair is as suspicious as a smoking gun.  So, call it what you will, but for me, using publicity from a sexual assault as a marketing tool to sell records is a despicable way to make money.

Differences!

differencesEverybody knows that the death of one person is a terrible tragedy but the death of a million people is simply a statistic.  Like it or don’t, that’s just the way our minds work.  We perceive some things to be different even when logic and reason tell us they are the same.  This is an intuitive response our species developed back in prehistory when an instant judgement call decided whether we would have dinner or be dinner.  Here in the 21st century, we don’t think about it much and can’t really explain it when we do, but it remains — stuck in our psychic DNA.  Here are a few ordinary examples that demonstrate why we instinctively know some things are different even though they might appear to be the same.  Feel free to add to the list.

The difference between weird and eccentric is a British accent.

The difference between homeless and camping is the trees.

The difference between loser and lover is three shots of tequila.

The difference between Taylor Swift and trailer trash is minimal.

The difference between forgive and forget is forgiving someone who screwed you is a nice gesture; forgetting they did it is stupid.

The difference between an honest person and a dishonest person is who’s watching.

The difference between other people’s movies and Adam Sandler movies is sometimes other people’s movies are funny.

The difference between love and lust is something we don’t learn until we’re about 25.

The difference between skinny jeans and mom jeans is a broken heart, a pail of Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream and a Ryan Gosling movie marathon.

The difference between bald and sexy is a red Lamborghini.

The difference between a foreign accent and no accent at all is the person speaking with a foreign accent knows one more language than you do.

The difference between rich and poor is rich people can tell poor people what to do.

The difference between rich and wealthy is wealthy people hire rich people to tell poor people what to do.

And one of my favourites:

The difference between erotic and pornographic is the price of the lingerie.

What Ever Happened To Ordinary?

ordinaryI love the 21st century.  I love it that I can talk to people all over the world.  I love that my Japanese car was built in France — from Polish parts.  I love Google and Wikipedia.  I love the one-click universe.  I love it that, when I order a pizza, it gets to my house faster than the police would.  Well, maybe not that so much … but … I do think it’s cool that the person at the other end of the telephone is thousands of kilometres away, but he instantly knows my name and remembers I want extra garlic.  The point is I love all the bells and whistles this century has to offer … but … there is one serious drawback.  You can’t get regular stuff anymore.  Ordinary is just not available.  Here are a few examples:

Telephones — I have no idea what half the stuff on my telephone does.  I touch the wrong icon, and suddenly I’ve got a live-stream street scene from a village in Bhutan.  If they made an ordinary telephone that just made telephone calls, every old person on this planet would buy one.

Water — Last time I checked, there were at least a dozen different brands of water for sale.  People!  It’s water!  The only choice you’re actually making is the shape of the plastic bottle.

Ice Cream — What ever happened to Chocolate, Vanilla and Strawberry?  Do we really need Mungo Jerry Berry?  Wasabi?  Bacon?  This isn’t ice cream, folks!  It’s some kind of mutant milk product, foisted on an unsuspecting public who think they’re getting something other than a lethal dose of chemical flavouring.

Coffee — It’s impossible to do that many different things to a beverage.

Toothpaste — Every brand from Aquafresh to Sensodyne has a least 8 different versions, four different flavours and any number of different purposes.  You can have cavity control, tartar control, bad breath control or holy-hell-that-hurts control.  In the age of bone graft implants, you would think dentistry could come up with a single brush-your-teeth-after-every-meal toothpaste.

And finally:

Cars — The only purpose of the automobile is to go where you want it to go, stop where you want it to stop and go backwards if you went too far.  That’s it.  Cut out all the other crap — like power windows, heated seats, 3 surveillance cameras, 9 cup holders and a video uplink to the Mars Rover — and you could make an ordinary car that ordinary people could afford.  Plus, you could probably power it with your brother-in-law’s electric lawnmower motor.