Taylor Swift: You Ignorant … (Oops! I can’t say that!)

swiftTaylor Swift has a new album out.  Coincidentally (nudge/nudge wink/wink) she launched it right after a boatload of media attention over a lawsuit she had against some guy who allegedly grabbed her ass four years ago.  According to the evidence, a DJ in Denver decided it was open season on one of the most famous bums on the planet, and as the cameras rolled, he copped a feel.  You can’t actually see him do it, but Swift maintains he did.  For my money, given Swift’s reputation for musical revenge, that was a pretty stupid move.  In fact, if he actually did it, this guy’s got to be the dumbest dumbass of the century!  Of course, if he didn’t do it — well — nobody really cares about that because Swift was always going to win the lawsuit anyway.  Why?  Because Taylor Swift; that’s why!  Think about it.  Any ruling against Ms. Swift’s allegations would have unleashed a Social Media tsunami.  The Internet mob would have risen up in holy indignation and dragged the judge through the cyberstreets by his cojones.  The members of the jury would have been hunted down and put to the lash.  Jobs would have been lost and reputations ruined.  (We’ve seen it before.)  Honestly, death threats would have been the least of that jury’s worries.  Fortunately, none of that happened.  What happened was the judge and jury made the judicious decision, dodged a digital bullet and walked away.  Team Taylor generated a pile of free publicity and put their client back on the celebrity A-list.  Taylor Swift became the reigning queen of Tweenie Girl Power.  The DJ from Denver slithered away into the ooze of obscurity from which he came.  And — oh, yeah: Ms. Swift is about to haul in a shedload of cash from her latest kiss-and-yell musical adventure.

Personally, I think the DJ from Denver is as guilty as a puppy sitting next to a pile of poo.  I also believe Swift should have sued him for a lot more than a symbolic dollar just to teach him to keep his hands to himself.  After all, nobody know how many non-famous bums he’s squeezed over the years.  However, as everybody knows, Swift and her people are masters of media manipulation, and the timing of this whole sordid affair is as suspicious as a smoking gun.  So, call it what you will, but for me, using publicity from a sexual assault as a marketing tool to sell records is a despicable way to make money.

Tom Hiddleston, You Ignorant Slut!

Tom HiddlestonFirst of all, I think Tom Hiddleston is a brilliant actor.  He’s played Cassio, Coriolanus and Henry V.  After his portrayal of Loki stole the Avengers’ franchise out from under the good guys — Tony Stark and Captain America — he became the Internet’s  boyfriend.  After The Night Manager, he literally kicked Idris Elba off the top spot in the Who’s The Next Bond Sweepstakes.  In some circles, Q had already given him the keys to the Aston Martin.  Wow!  What a difference a couple of months make!  As of today, Hiddleston’s screen cred is lower than a snake’s belly in a wagon rut.  What happened?  Taylor Swift.

For some unknown reason, Hiddleston dropped himself into the Taylor Swift propaganda machine, and from the looks of things, he’s not exactly struggling to get out.  Tom! Tom! Tom! What were you thinking?  Taylor Swift has built a multi-million dollar business out of dumping boyfriends and then selling the soundtrack to the emotional carnage, in a fauxmance frenzy worthy of Zsa Zsa Gabor.  (FYI, it took Ms. Gabor 99 years to amass 8 exes.  Swift has 7 and she’s only 26!)  The brutal truth is Ms. Swift is either the Humpty Dumpty of love or there’s something very cold and calculating going on here.  My money’s on B.  Swift’s life reads too much like a season of The Young and the Ruthless to be anything but fake.  My God!  Calvin Harris’ side of the bed wasn’t even cold when Swift’s Promo Team started feeding “improv pix” of Tom and Taylor to social media under the newly-coined #Hiddleswift.  I know romance never sleeps, but even Bluebeard took a day off, once in a while!

Of course, celebs change partners the way the rest of us change our socks, so it’s no big deal … but…  the problem is Hiddleston would have made a really good James Bond.  Unfortunately, Bond is suave, he’s smart, he’s sophisticated, he prefers women and would never even consider dating the Queen of the Tweenies — no matter how coldblooded her marketing plan was.  Swift’s persona is just way too Barbie for Bond — half the sexy/twice the plastic.  But more importantly, Bond wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a dickie “I ‘HEART’ T.S.!” tank top.  That’s the fashion equivalent of an Adam Sandler fart joke.  Nothing is ever going to erase that image from the retinas of Bond fans.

So you blew it, Tom! You’re never going to be James Bond now.  But think of it this way: in six months or so, the whole world’s going to know what a bastard you are.  You see, Swift hasn’t put out an album in over two years, so she’s about due to release her next “kiss and yell” recording.  And I have a feeling you’re going feature prominently in it.

Good luck with that.