Stuff I Learned From Covid-19

covid

I’m officially sick and tired of Covid-19.  Oh, I’m still going to wash my hands at every opportunity and keep my distance.  Hugs are off the agenda and, for the time being at least, I’ll wear a mask in public.  (Just because I’m fed up doesn’t mean I’m irresponsible.)  The thing is Covid-19 has hung over my life like a black cloud for the last 2 months and I’m done with it.  It’s spring, the flowers are blooming, the birds are chirping, and last night in the darkness of my silent city, I heard coyotes howl.  This is the end you, horrible little virus.  I’m going to outlast you, but I’ll be damned if I going to spend any more time thinking about you.  So here are just a few things I’ve learned from Covid-19– and then I am going to close the door and get on with this new “normal” everybody’s been yipping about.

I don’t care where Covid-19 came from.  It came from China, okay?  Wasting a lot of time and energy trying to find the exact address is bullshit.  It’s like running around trying to identify which particular iceberg hit the Titanic!

Professional athletes earn 5,000 times more money than nurses because – uh — reasons.

First World problems still aren’t real.  They’re a pain in the ass; they’re difficult; they make our lives miserable.  But hot and cold running water, heat, light and a roof over our head is nothing to complain about.

All the scientists and medical people around the world can work flat out for a thousand years and they’re never going to develop a vaccine against stupid.

I really didn’t need all that crap I used to buy at the grocery store every week.

Hearing the same set of common-sense instructions 50 times a day is really annoying.

I don’t care what the “official” data says.  When China (population 1.5 billion) only has twice as many confirmed cases of Covid-19 and fewer deaths than The Netherlands (population 17 million) somebody’s lying.

In a crisis. most people will do the right thing.

In a crisis, celebrities are useless.

Crisis or not, Elon Musk is weird.

Shoehorning someone wearing medical scrubs and a surgical mask into your advertising to sell everything from breakfast cereal to diapers doesn’t mean you’re a caring/sharing/socially responsible contemporary corporation.  It means you’re despicable.

My neighbours are all pretty friendly.  (Who knew?)

Despite the hype, only about half of Netflix is any good.

The Television, Doritos and Pepsi Diet doesn’t work.

I like digital money if, for no other reason, than I don’t have to fight with a pocket full of coins every couple of days.

Zoom is fun — and I only have to dress the top half.

And finally:

The world goes on, and I’m going to go with it.

geese

Photo by C. Bourcier
May 6, 2020 

A Few More Activities

activities

It’s May.  The days are getting longer.  OMG, the days are getting longer!  We’ve been running out of things to do since half-past April, and now we’ve got more sunlight to cope with.  God, it’s like news of fresh disasters!  Not to worry, though.  Here are a few activities that will take the sting out of self-isolation.  Enjoy!

Collect all the plastic food containers in your house and spread them out on the floor.  Now, one by one, try to match each container with a lid that fits.  For extra fun, before you start, guess how many lids you’re going to have left over.

Dial random numbers on your telephone.  Since the entire world is in some kind of lockdown, chances are good whoever you call will be home, and they might appreciate the opportunity to make a new friend – or not.  Try to guess which it will be before you call.  However, be careful with the time difference: people tend to be grouchy when you wake them up in the middle of the night just to say hi, and that will upset your results.

Teach yourself how to fold a fitted sheet.  (No cheating with YouTube.)  Fitted sheets are the Rubik’s Cube of bed linen and will provide hours of entertainment before you finally figure it out – if ever.

Pretend you’re a spy and, with a grocery receipt and various food items, try to decode the Bar Code.

Write a letter to your unborn granddaughter, explaining what a bra was.

Find the box of useless souvenirs that’s been in the closet for years.  Identify each one and mail it back to the place of origin with a thank you note.  It’s not like the folks at The Louvre have anything to do these days, and they might be grateful to hear you haven’t forgotten them.  Plus, they can resell the item.  Surely somebody else would love to have a plastic Venus de Milo with a clock in her belly.

Turn off the Internet.  Wait as long as you can possibly stand it.  Try to access Facebook or Instagram or Twitter.  Feel that nanosecond surge of panic when the “Internet cannot be found” message comes on the screen.  Then turn the Internet back on and feel the euphoric relief.  Try it!  It’s kinda like bungee jumping inside your own head.

Check the lyrics on all those great old songs you’ve kinda/sorta forgotten the words to.  Print them out, and while you’re washing your hands, mumble the chorus and then sing the verses really loud.  It will be a whole new thing for you.

Adopt an ungrateful celebrity and explain to them how the real world works.  That should take a while.

And finally:

Try to figure out which Covid-19 conspiracy theory is the most batshit crazy.  You can start with how the 5G network spreads Covid-19 or – no!  wait! – even better! – how this whole thing was caused by some teenagers in Iowa playing Jumanji.

The World Keeps Turning – II

hold my beer

Here in isolation, we’re all finding creative ways to cope with social distancing.  I’ve started talking to the telemarketers.  Charlie from One World TechCom is nice; he just had a baby.  So, the world keeps turning.  Here are just a few things that happened this week.

A couple of days ago, supply outstripped demand and the price of crude oil fell below zero.  Let me give that to you again – BELOW ZERO.  In other words, oil companies were paying people to cart the stuff away.  One wonders how the international markets handled this.  After all, oil has been the price of doing business on this planet since the Saudis first held us hostage back in 1973.  (Shoe’s on the other foot now, huh, Salman?)  I can’t wait until Samsung starts giving away a free barrel of oil with every purchase of a big screen TV.

Travellers in Canada are now required to wear masks in airports and on all flights – foreign and domestic.  Hold it!  I can’t go across the street to get my hair cut because it’s a non-essential journey, and somebody is jetting off to somewhere because … Why?  Where could they possibly be going?  For God sake, the entire planet’s closed — except the factories in Wuhan, China.  And, trust me, you can get any of the junk they’re manufacturing delivered from Amazon.

And speaking of China, Missouri is suing China because they allege the Chinese government willfully “lied to the world and silenced whistleblowers” about Covid-19.  Good luck with that!  Folks!  You’re suing a country that has a couple of million Muslims in re-education camps, has armed troops all over Tibet, kicks the crap out of Hong Kong protesters every weekend, threw a Nobel Prize winner in jail and regularly conducts organ transplants where the Falun Gong donors are not notified.  I doubt very much if a subpoena from the Show Me state is going to carry any weight.

And finally:

Chutzpah has a new World Champion.  Apparently, Sir Richard Branson, the Grand Poobah of Virgin Everything, is in financial difficulties.  His various airlines are going broke.  In fact, it’s gotten so bad that Branson has offered his private Caribbean island, Necker, as collateral for a $500 million UK government loan.  This is a dire situation.  However, let’s review the facts.  Forbes estimates Sir Richard’s net worth is somewhere north of 5 billion dollars.  He doesn’t pay any tax on it cuz he lives in the Virgin Islands where he moved a couple of years after he was convicted of tax evasion.  He owns everything with a Virgin label on it and has enough money to build a spaceship (LauncherOne.)  That’s right!  A spaceship!  However, he figures that to keep all this going, he needs UK taxpayers to pony up some big bucks.  Hey, Dick!  Here’s an idea: use some of your own money and bail yourself out — that’s what the rest of us are doing.