Tag: Life goes on

Gods Of Old!

gods

Although old is a relative term, generally, old people never get anything and (some would say) deserve even less.  Children annoy them, teenagers avoid them and adults talk to them in that voice we reserve for pets.  Their stories are long, their habits are confusing and they play way too much “Remember When.”  However, old people have it over everybody else on the planet because they have their own set of gods!  These gods and goddesses, like the pantheon of Valhalla or Olympus, govern all aspects of “older” life.  They appear to us slowly as we tack on the years.  They slyly watch as we slowly trade in our tequila for iced tea, push-up bras for baggy sweatshirts, stiletto heels for comfortable shoes and muscle cars for minivans.  And by the time we’ve replaced vodka shots with a glass of wine and clubbing with crossword puzzles, they have our fate firmly in their hands.  These gods should not be ignored because we’re all going to have to deal with them one day.

Cutonya – The goddess of beautiful grandchildren.  With one glance, she turns any grandchild into the cutest, funniest, most talented little kid on the planet.

Kwikus – This is the god who manipulates the calendar so that days, weeks and seasons magically disappear, and suddenly it’s Christmas– again.

Noxia — This is the god who finds joints and muscles we never knew we had and torments them with annoying little aches and pains.  This is punishment for all the times we were mean, thoughtless and rude when we were younger.  Get used to it!

Poof — The goddess of the unexpected fart.

Scritch – The god of the inappropriate itch.

Folus — The god of aggressive nose hair.

Wat – The god of selective hearing.  This god saves us from all the stuff we didn’t really want to hear in the first place.

Notagin — This is the most helpful of the gods.  He’s the one who protects us from all evil.  He keeps track of our experiences and steers us away from making the same stupid mistakes we made when we were kids.  We should never overlook Notagin, because old people who do, end up giving all their money to Nigerian princes or greedy grandchildren who have no honour.

Myosotia – Sometimes called the Goddess What’s-Her-Name, she takes proper names and puts them just out of reach.  She also hides small objects like keys in the very place we left them.  Oddly enough, Myosotia doesn’t bother with memories that are 20, 30 and even 40 years old — which remain crystal clear.

Metamorpho – This god transforms professional people like doctors, lawyers, accountants, police officers and even judges and politicians into children – who get younger and younger every year.

Kilomornow and his twin sister Saggeth – These two tricksters love practical jokes like shrinking clothes that hang in the closet, adding extra numbers to bathroom scales, distorting mirrors and moving body parts just a little lower to the ground.

But mostly, old people’s lives are governed by the Queen of the Gods:

Idonkare – The most powerful goddess of all, Idonkare spends her time lounging around with her indolent lover, Sowat, playing backgammon and eating nachos, yet her power is so awesome that merely invoking her name brings harmony and comfort to the universe.  For example:

“Looks like you lawn is gettin’ a little long there, Herb.”
“Idonkare!”

Or:

“It’s the trendiest restaurant in town and I’ve got reservations!”
“Idonkare!”

And, of course:

“Grandma, nobody wears a Hawaiian shirt and Lederhosen!”
“Idonkare!”

Stuff I Learned From Covid-19

covid

I’m officially sick and tired of Covid-19.  Oh, I’m still going to wash my hands at every opportunity and keep my distance.  Hugs are off the agenda and, for the time being at least, I’ll wear a mask in public.  (Just because I’m fed up doesn’t mean I’m irresponsible.)  The thing is Covid-19 has hung over my life like a black cloud for the last 2 months and I’m done with it.  It’s spring, the flowers are blooming, the birds are chirping, and last night in the darkness of my silent city, I heard coyotes howl.  This is the end you, horrible little virus.  I’m going to outlast you, but I’ll be damned if I going to spend any more time thinking about you.  So here are just a few things I’ve learned from Covid-19– and then I am going to close the door and get on with this new “normal” everybody’s been yipping about.

I don’t care where Covid-19 came from.  It came from China, okay?  Wasting a lot of time and energy trying to find the exact address is bullshit.  It’s like running around trying to identify which particular iceberg hit the Titanic!

Professional athletes earn 5,000 times more money than nurses because – uh — reasons.

First World problems still aren’t real.  They’re a pain in the ass; they’re difficult; they make our lives miserable.  But hot and cold running water, heat, light and a roof over our head is nothing to complain about.

All the scientists and medical people around the world can work flat out for a thousand years and they’re never going to develop a vaccine against stupid.

I really didn’t need all that crap I used to buy at the grocery store every week.

Hearing the same set of common-sense instructions 50 times a day is really annoying.

I don’t care what the “official” data says.  When China (population 1.5 billion) only has twice as many confirmed cases of Covid-19 and fewer deaths than The Netherlands (population 17 million) somebody’s lying.

In a crisis. most people will do the right thing.

In a crisis, celebrities are useless.

Crisis or not, Elon Musk is weird.

Shoehorning someone wearing medical scrubs and a surgical mask into your advertising to sell everything from breakfast cereal to diapers doesn’t mean you’re a caring/sharing/socially responsible contemporary corporation.  It means you’re despicable.

My neighbours are all pretty friendly.  (Who knew?)

Despite the hype, only about half of Netflix is any good.

The Television, Doritos and Pepsi Diet doesn’t work.

I like digital money if, for no other reason, than I don’t have to fight with a pocket full of coins every couple of days.

Zoom is fun — and I only have to dress the top half.

And finally:

The world goes on, and I’m going to go with it.

geese

Photo by C. Bourcier
May 6, 2020 

A Few More Activities

activities

It’s May.  The days are getting longer.  OMG, the days are getting longer!  We’ve been running out of things to do since half-past April, and now we’ve got more sunlight to cope with.  God, it’s like news of fresh disasters!  Not to worry, though.  Here are a few activities that will take the sting out of self-isolation.  Enjoy!

Collect all the plastic food containers in your house and spread them out on the floor.  Now, one by one, try to match each container with a lid that fits.  For extra fun, before you start, guess how many lids you’re going to have left over.

Dial random numbers on your telephone.  Since the entire world is in some kind of lockdown, chances are good whoever you call will be home, and they might appreciate the opportunity to make a new friend – or not.  Try to guess which it will be before you call.  However, be careful with the time difference: people tend to be grouchy when you wake them up in the middle of the night just to say hi, and that will upset your results.

Teach yourself how to fold a fitted sheet.  (No cheating with YouTube.)  Fitted sheets are the Rubik’s Cube of bed linen and will provide hours of entertainment before you finally figure it out – if ever.

Pretend you’re a spy and, with a grocery receipt and various food items, try to decode the Bar Code.

Write a letter to your unborn granddaughter, explaining what a bra was.

Find the box of useless souvenirs that’s been in the closet for years.  Identify each one and mail it back to the place of origin with a thank you note.  It’s not like the folks at The Louvre have anything to do these days, and they might be grateful to hear you haven’t forgotten them.  Plus, they can resell the item.  Surely somebody else would love to have a plastic Venus de Milo with a clock in her belly.

Turn off the Internet.  Wait as long as you can possibly stand it.  Try to access Facebook or Instagram or Twitter.  Feel that nanosecond surge of panic when the “Internet cannot be found” message comes on the screen.  Then turn the Internet back on and feel the euphoric relief.  Try it!  It’s kinda like bungee jumping inside your own head.

Check the lyrics on all those great old songs you’ve kinda/sorta forgotten the words to.  Print them out, and while you’re washing your hands, mumble the chorus and then sing the verses really loud.  It will be a whole new thing for you.

Adopt an ungrateful celebrity and explain to them how the real world works.  That should take a while.

And finally:

Try to figure out which Covid-19 conspiracy theory is the most batshit crazy.  You can start with how the 5G network spreads Covid-19 or – no!  wait! – even better! – how this whole thing was caused by some teenagers in Iowa playing Jumanji.