Tag: life lessons

Everybody Works

work

Everybody works.  Some work harder than others, some work smarter than others, but as each of us wanders along life’s incredible journey, we all have a relentless series of jobs to do.  Just to clarify – I’m not talking about gainful employment; I’m talking about all those nasty little tasks that haunt our otherwise leisured existence — everything from filling out income tax forms to assembling a Fridekgloben bookcase from Ikea.  This is the work that torments our souls.

Having survived on this planet for – uh – a number of years, I’ve done my share of personal chores and, without bragging, I’ve gained some valuable experience.  Here are just a few bits and bobs from what I’ve learned along the way.

1 – Every job takes longer than you think.  No matter how simple it looks or how comprehensively you’ve prepared, the task at hand is going to eat up more minutes than you bargained for.  (See items 4, 5, 6, 7 and sometimes 8 for a detailed explanation.)

2 – The rule of quarters.  No matter what you do, the first 75% of the job takes 25% of the time and the last 25% takes 75% — or more.

3 – Do as much as possible before lunch — cuz after lunch, you’re going to be useless.

4 – Something you need isn’t going to be there.  Whether it’s a particular medical receipt, a pinch of coriander, an account number or an oddly shaped one-use-only tool, there will be one item, that’s absolutely necessary to the task, which you either don’t have or can’t find.  This means you have to stop, search or go buy it – no other choice.  And, BTW, this never happens at the beginning of the adventure but always more than halfway through — when you’ve got everything torn up, half assembled, disassembled and/or spread out all over hell.

5 – There will be an essential piece of information missing.  Assembly instructions are notorious for this – the placement of Lock Washer #3 is a mystery known only to God.  Meanwhile, the Federal Government will not accept your tax return without an entry in Box 906a even though its purpose is a bigger secret than the contents of Area 51.  But the very worst are online forms that demand an encyclopedia of personal information and, after you’ve entered it all, flash the big red “Error” warning at you — while slyly refusing to tell you where the error occurred.

6 – The thing that’s supposed to fit … won’t.  Carpenters and plumbers know this and are skilled in Improvise, Adapt and Overcome, but the rest of us are utterly stunned when the last bolt’s too big, the connecting rod’s too short or the brand new muffin pans don’t fit in the oven.  The result is an extended period of swearing and weeping.

7 – The experience you gain from one task does not translate to anything else.  What you learned trimming the hedge doesn’t help you buy car insurance online.  Painting the porch and making a soufflé are straight chalk and cheese.  Every task demands a particular expertise, so whatever you attempt to do (unless you’re a poly-skilled professional, or spend your life watching YouTube) you’re going to waste a lot of time reinventing the wheel.

And finally:

8 – You can’t get there from here. – This doesn’t happen all the time, but it happens regularly enough to be included here.  Basically, there’s always a danger that the first touch on any project will set off a chain of disasters, each more expensive and time-consuming than the last.  The leaking faucet that eventually becomes a $5,000 plumbing job.  The birthday cake that ends up with a new stove.  The computer upgrade that resets your Netflix account to Serbia and your banking information to Good Shepherd Savings and Loan in Azerbaijan.  Seriously, I have a friend who tried to buy a paper shredder and is locked out of Amazon forever.  (Even they don’t know why.)

Yeah, we all have jobs to do, but I’ve discovered that only paid professionals and enthusiastic hobbyists get anything out of these mundane tasks.  The rest of us just have to grit and bear it.

 

Stuff I’ve Learned From Life

life

I’ve been wandering around this planet for quite a few years now, and I’ve discovered a whole pile of cool things.  Most of it is useless information — like James Bond never wears lace-up shoes – and while that might be good for a few drinks on Quiz Night, it doesn’t exactly pay the rent.  In fact, these days, Wikipedia has put smart people like me out of business.  However, some of the stuff I know just isn’t generally available, and sometimes it can make life’s journey a whole lot easier.  So, here are a few things (in no particular order) that are kinda neat to know.

Venice isn’t fun anymore — it’s full.  One more busload of tourists and they’re going to change the name to Atlantis.

Never play peek-a-boo with a toddler on a transatlantic flight.  You’re trapped — and they’re relentless.

When the voice at the other end of the telephone says, “Your call is important to us,” you’re going to be on hold for a loooong time.

People with an accent are smart enough to speak at least one more language than you.

As you get older, the printed word gets proportionately smaller.

Hygge is real, and so is Pyt.  If you don’t recognize these words, you need to google them immediately.  It could change your life.

Saying “sorry” doesn’t do anything.  The idea that it’s some kind of emotional antibiotic is just contemporary crap.  The trick is not doing things that you have to apologize for.

Always eat the last cookie in the package.  Leaving it is an act of cruelty to the next person who thinks they’re getting cookies but … ends up with disappointment because who looks forward to eating just one cookie?

Hobbies are just work you enjoy.

For some weird reason, candlelight makes food taste better.

The minute somebody says, “I don’t judge” — they already have.

The difference between movies, films and cinema depends entirely on what kind of a pompous ass is talking about them.

Anybody can sell their soul, but it takes a real dick to get full value.

And finally:

Life is actually just a constant struggle between sexy and comfortable — but when the two of them show up in the same place at the same time, it’s absolutely fabulous.

Quit Taking Advice!

advice

During my many, many (many?) years on this planet, I’ve noticed a lot of useful things.  Stuff like toddlers are sticky and can’t be trusted, donuts weight a lot more after you eat them and customer service usually isn’t.  But one of the most useful things I’ve ever run across is this — happy, successful people very seldom offer unsolicited advice.  Why?  Because they’re too busy being happy and successful.  The people who are always first off the mark with words of wisdom are the ones who’ve taken the “hit and miss” approach to life, and they subconsciously want to get you in on the plot.  Plus — and this is the important bit — they always have their own agenda.  Here are just a few people you should never take advice from.

Relatives – I have 3 standard responses to advice from the family.
1) “Thanks for the information, but I don’t think you’re qualified to give _________ (legal, medical, real estate, etc.) advice.”
2) “Thanks for the information, but I don’t have enough money to get rich quick.”
3) “Thanks for the information but ….  Are you out of your mind?”

Co-workers – Does it make any sense to take advice from a person who never washes their coffee cup, hides porn on their computer, invested a bunch of money in ostrich eggs and would cut your throat to get your parking spot?   No — no it doesn’t.

Strangers in a grocery store – When some hairy old person corners you in the vegetable aisle, starts talking about fiber and constipation and the only thing they have in their cart is 10 kilos of cauliflower – well — it’s time to move on.

Insurance people – Remember: their job is to take your money and never give it back — and their powers of persuasion are off the charts.  Listen to them for ten minutes and you’ll end up with flood insurance that doesn’t cover water damage, life insurance that’s automatically cancelled when you die and a $10,000 deductible on both policies.

Facebook – Statistically speaking, 50% of the people on Facebook are stupider than you are (Folks, that’s 1.16 billion people!)  Plus, somewhere north of 200 million profiles are babies, dogs and cats; over 100 million are serious drug users and another 80 million are fake.  The odds against you finding someone who actually knows what they’re talking about on Facebook are astronomical.  You’d be better off to go to Vegas and talk to the Blackjack dealer.  At least they legally have to tell you what your chances are.

Anyone under 25 – They begin every conversation with “It’s totally easy” and then start tapping icons on your phone like some Rhesus monkey with ADHD.  Eight minutes later, you have an Instagram account under the name of Wilbur and you’re doing all your banking at the Honest Shepherd Savings and Loan in Helmand Province, Afghanistan.

Old people – This is an easy one.  These fossils are always telling you what to do because they didn’t have the cojones to do it themselves when they were young.  Besides, they know they’re never going to have to face the consequences when things go south.  And don’t fall for that old “Don’t make the same mistakes I did” bullshit.  That’s just a sneaky way for old people to say “I think you’re stupid.”

And finally:

Me – At a time when the Internet allows you to have any identity you want, it doesn’t make any sense to choose to be an old, white, middleclass, heterosexual man.  This is the first group everybody accuses, the last group anybody listens to and the only group left that everybody can kick around with impunity.  So, why take advice from a guy who wasn’t smart enough to tweak his online persona just a little to get a bit of street cred?  Think about it!