Have You Heard “the Voice?”

the voice

It’s been a number of years since I first heard “the voice,” but I remember it quite clearly.  I was going through a grocery store checkout and the little popsicle at the cash register said, “And, how are you today?”  She drew out the “oo” vowel and leaned slightly forward as she said it.  It was at that precise moment I realized I wasn’t a young man anymore.  And I have to admit it annoyed me.

For those of you who are unfamiliar (read “under 50”) “the voice” is the inflection adults add to their speech when they’re talking to children, dogs, foreigners, hospital patients and old people like – uh – me.  It’s a strange combination of empathy and authority.  It suggests that the speaker thinks you might not understand the words, but wants to reassure you that they are in charge and there’s nothing to worry about.  And despite its condescending tone, it’s actually full of goodwill.

Over the years, I’ve gotten used to “the voice,” but, honestly, it still grates on me.  I can’t help it; I just don’t like being talked to on the same level as “Who’s a good boy, then?”  This is especially true when the speaker is a 20-something somebody whose major accomplishment in life is a totally cool Instagram profile.  I know these folks are full of good intentions, but treating grey hair as if it’s a terminal disease is hard to take when you’re on the receiving end.  (Full disclosure: Like everybody else on this planet, I used “the voice” when I was younger and still do, on occasion.)

The problem is, after a while, “the voice” doesn’t quit.  It’s like you’re living in a gigantic daycare centre.  Pretty much everybody who doesn’t know you, uses it.  They start every conversation with a simple question so you’re not stuck for an answer.  They constantly repeat themselves as if you can’t hear, don’t understand or have no attention span.  And they over-explain everything — as though your age and your IQ are somehow connected – adversely.  It’s totally tiresome.  But, the worst thing is “the voice” tells you – in no uncertain terms – that you’re no longer a viable sexual partner and you are not now — nor ever were — a badass.

It’s been a number of years since I first heard “the voice,” but I remember it quite clearly.  I looked at the little popsicle at the cash register, saw her smile, looked into her eyes and thought, “You have no idea who you’re dealing with, little girl — and if I told you even half the story, you wouldn’t believe me.” But, all I could think of to say was, “Not bad — for an old fella!”

It’s Spring — 2019

spring

Thank God it’s spring!  And this isn’t just another date on the calendar; this is the real meal deal.  Mother Nature is changing her clothes, and Father Time is watching.  We mere mortals are only a small part of what they both have in mind, but, like every year since this planet was a baby, it’s going to be spectacular.   As of today, the birds and the bees are back, and they’re feeling frisky.

Unfortunately, the spring solstice doesn’t carry the kind of punch it used to.  These days, it’s mostly living on its rep.  We all know it’s spring, but in a world of central heating, air conditioning, mega-malls and concrete canyon streets, how many of us really care?  In the 21st century, we generally ignore the world around us until Mother Nature gets pissed off and starts slapping the crap out of everything in her path – then we pay attention.  Primitive humans weren’t this arrogant; that’s why they treated the spring solstice with some respect.

Back in the day, winter in the northern hemisphere was nothing to be trifled with.  Our species never physically adapted to the cold the way some of the other animals on this planet did.  However, despite our natural tendency to freeze to death, we insisted on living in climates that were inhospitable for four (or more) months of the year.  The only recourse for this stupidity was to outsmart Mother Nature, using the tools at hand – fire and the skins of more practical animals.  Plus, our instincts told us to hide in caves when a hostile world starting howling for our bones.  This strategy worked and we survived long enough to understand that — even though Mother Nature spent a good amount of time trying to kill us — eventually she would relent and treat us like her special children again.  And this was cause for celebration.

As we evolved beyond beetle-brow tough to early-human clever, we must have realized that these constantly changing seasons were not random.  They had a pattern.  When winter was over, the leaves came out.  From there, only a Neanderthal wouldn’t put two and two together and realize, once the leaves started to fall, winter was coming back.  (That’s why there are no more Neanderthals, BTW.  Just sayin’.)  With that in mind, it wasn’t a Cro-Magnon leap of intelligence to figure out that, with a little planning, we could gather food and firewood during the good weather, store them away, and a smart cave family could sit out the winter in relative comfort.  Thus, instead of hanging out in the cave, shivering and getting skinny all winter, we had some leisure time to put that big brain or ours to work.  We watched the sun, we watched the moon, we noticed when the ice started to melt, when the birds came back and when the bear two caves over woke up grumpy, hungry and looking for a fight.  This was all important stuff, because the more we knew about the seasons, the more likely it was that we’d be around to see a few of them.

 

Unfortunately, climatology hadn’t been invented yet, and so humans simply filed all these various discoveries under “Mother Nature: Whims and Idiosyncrasies.”  But Mother Nature was real.  She made the flowers bloom, the warm breezes blow, and warmed up the sun.  So, when winter was over, it made sense for primitive humans to take a minute, be polite and say thanks.

These days, we don’t much care for Mother Nature.  After all, for the last two hundred years or so, we’ve been fighting with her for supremacy on this planet.  There are some who say we’re winning and some who say we’ve already lost.  Unfortunately, the majority of us don’t seem to give a damn, either way.  Our egos are so secure we no longer thank her — or anybody else — for our existence.  However, on a morning like this one, in the first sunlight of what’s going to be a perfectly gorgeous day, I tend to get a little caveman-humble.  I hear the birds putting on the brag, see an ambitious green sprig forcing its way through the sidewalk and maybe — just maybe — sniff a sweet change in the air.   And it all tells me something special is happening again this year — and it’s going to fantastic.

 

Thanks, Mother Nature!

Quit Taking Advice!

advice

During my many, many (many?) years on this planet, I’ve noticed a lot of useful things.  Stuff like toddlers are sticky and can’t be trusted, donuts weight a lot more after you eat them and customer service usually isn’t.  But one of the most useful things I’ve ever run across is this — happy, successful people very seldom offer unsolicited advice.  Why?  Because they’re too busy being happy and successful.  The people who are always first off the mark with words of wisdom are the ones who’ve taken the “hit and miss” approach to life, and they subconsciously want to get you in on the plot.  Plus — and this is the important bit — they always have their own agenda.  Here are just a few people you should never take advice from.

Relatives – I have 3 standard responses to advice from the family.
1) “Thanks for the information, but I don’t think you’re qualified to give _________ (legal, medical, real estate, etc.) advice.”
2) “Thanks for the information, but I don’t have enough money to get rich quick.”
3) “Thanks for the information but ….  Are you out of your mind?”

Co-workers – Does it make any sense to take advice from a person who never washes their coffee cup, hides porn on their computer, invested a bunch of money in ostrich eggs and would cut your throat to get your parking spot?   No — no it doesn’t.

Strangers in a grocery store – When some hairy old person corners you in the vegetable aisle, starts talking about fiber and constipation and the only thing they have in their cart is 10 kilos of cauliflower – well — it’s time to move on.

Insurance people – Remember: their job is to take your money and never give it back — and their powers of persuasion are off the charts.  Listen to them for ten minutes and you’ll end up with flood insurance that doesn’t cover water damage, life insurance that’s automatically cancelled when you die and a $10,000 deductible on both policies.

Facebook – Statistically speaking, 50% of the people on Facebook are stupider than you are (Folks, that’s 1.16 billion people!)  Plus, somewhere north of 200 million profiles are babies, dogs and cats; over 100 million are serious drug users and another 80 million are fake.  The odds against you finding someone who actually knows what they’re talking about on Facebook are astronomical.  You’d be better off to go to Vegas and talk to the Blackjack dealer.  At least they legally have to tell you what your chances are.

Anyone under 25 – They begin every conversation with “It’s totally easy” and then start tapping icons on your phone like some Rhesus monkey with ADHD.  Eight minutes later, you have an Instagram account under the name of Wilbur and you’re doing all your banking at the Honest Shepherd Savings and Loan in Helmand Province, Afghanistan.

Old people – This is an easy one.  These fossils are always telling you what to do because they didn’t have the cojones to do it themselves when they were young.  Besides, they know they’re never going to have to face the consequences when things go south.  And don’t fall for that old “Don’t make the same mistakes I did” bullshit.  That’s just a sneaky way for old people to say “I think you’re stupid.”

And finally:

Me – At a time when the Internet allows you to have any identity you want, it doesn’t make any sense to choose to be an old, white, middleclass, heterosexual man.  This is the first group everybody accuses, the last group anybody listens to and the only group left that everybody can kick around with impunity.  So, why take advice from a guy who wasn’t smart enough to tweak his online persona just a little to get a bit of street cred?  Think about it!