I’m probably singing to the choir, but I’m going to say — flat out — Canada is extraordinary. It’s unique. It’s exceptional. Our country sits on the pinnacle of what nations have been trying to achieve ever since Hammurabi went to Law School. We’ve got so much stuff we don’t even know what to do with half of it. We’ve got stuff we just look at. We throw away more stuff than a lot of other countries have to begin with. And we’re stinkin’ rich, too — not just Bill Gates rich, either. We could buy Gates and make him tapdance at birthday parties if we wanted to. When you’re born in Canada, you’re already worth $40,000 — and that’s just for showing up. Several years ago, Jean Chretien’s government lost (LOST!) a billion dollars, and nobody cared. Jean just told Parliament he’d look around for it. He never did find it, but still — nobody cared. Canadians are so outrageously wealthy we don’t even take our money seriously. We call it “the Loonie,” for Christ sake.
So, you’re probably wondering, why, if we have all this stuff and we’re so rich, how come we have poor people and homeless people and bad roads and huge taxes and all the other crap we have to put up with every day? Simple answer? We’re stupid. And we’re not just “I lost my keys on the bus” stupid, either; we’re “Other countries are laughing at us” stupid. If Dumb-Ass were an Olympic event, Canada would literally own the podium. We’ve had so much money for so long that we don’t even bother keeping track of it, anymore. For example, we just gave over $9,000.00 to a convicted cop-killer because the prison guards violated his civil rights by making him stand during roll call. And do you know that Canada owns a huge apartment in Paris? If you’re an artist who knows the right people, you can go live there — for nothing — and the Canadian taxpayer will pick up the tab. These are just two teeny examples. There are tons more because — believe it or not — we actually pay people hundreds of thousands of dollars every year to go to work and figure out ways to give our money away. And here’s the knee to the groin: they are probably the most efficient government department we have because we give away (GIVE AWAY!) hundreds of millions of dollars every year. Pretty stupid, huh? Maybe, but merely giving our money away is not the stupidest thing Canadians do – not by a long shot.
In all of human history, since the very first person walked on two legs, Canada is the only country ever, which actually gives money to people who want to destroy it. Every year, all of us proud Canadians, who wave the flag, sing the song and kinda like the country we live in, give a couple of million dollars in political subsidies to the Bloc Quebecois, whose avowed purpose on earth is to destroy Canada. Think about it. Now imagine the conversation between two Afghanis in Kandahar when a Canadian soldier walks by.
“Who’s that guy?”
“He’s a Canadian.”
“What he like?”
“He’s a nice guy, but he’s stupid.”
“I thought the Americans were stupid?”
“Not as stupid as this guy. He’s so stupid, while he’s away, he’s paying people to wreck his country.”
“What? Doesn’t he like his country?”
“No, he loves it. You should hear him talk about it. He wishes he was there, right now.”
“Is there something wrong with his country?”
“Nope, not a thing. It’s a great place. In fact, people from all over the world are clamoring to get in.”
“Wow! That is stupid.”
Variations on this conversation are going on all over the world. The major difference is the Afghanis are at least polite enough not to pee their pants laughing. Just imagine what guys like Berlusconi are saying about us. It’s no wonder nobody takes Canada seriously anymore. Quite frankly, how could they? Giving tax money to the Bloc Quebecois is like Louis XVI of France saying to Robespierre, “Look, Maximilien! I know you’re broke but I’m going to give you a couple of million francs every year so, some day, you can start the French Revolution and eventually cut off my head.” What Cloud Cuckcooland have we fallen into?
And to put some icing on the Stupid Cake, there has never been a major protest against this lunacy — anywhere — from sea to shining sea. In fact, there are people in this country who defend political subsidies because they say they’re “Good for democracy.” I have no idea how that works. From my point of view, people who want to destroy the close to 200 years of hard work it took to get us all this cool stuff aren’t good for very much, and paying them to do it is just – well – stupid.
But — politics aside — let’s just look at the money. Taxpayers pay $27 million in political subsidies every year. That’s chump change to the Canadian government. However, if we were to take all that money and buy chicken, we could give a 10-piece bucket to over 10,000 homeless people every day, forever – for all eternity. And I imagine with an order that big, KFC would throw in the Pepsi. So, who needs the money more: Gilles Duceppe or that kid digging in your dumpster? Think about it.