Elephants Don’t Stand On Their Heads!


When I was a kid, I went to the circus and saw one of the most astounding things I’ve ever seen – an elephant standing on its head.  No big deal, right?  Back in the day, that kind of thing was bread and butter to guys like Barnum and Bailey, and elephants all over the world were doing it– three shows a week with a Saturday matinee.  However, when you’re six years old and you’ve never seen an elephant, that kind of thing sticks with you.

At this point, you have to get beyond the whole animals rights thing.  Yeah, it’s not very nice to treat living creatures like toys (and we were all barbarians before 1980) but that’s not what I’m talking about.  I’m talking about a much more complicated concept.  The idea that someone could think so far outside the box that they could actually conceive of teaching an elephant to stand on its head.  Elephants don’t do that — ever.  It’s a completely original human idea.  Not only that, but, whoever thought of it, had to figure out a way to convince the elephant that it was a good idea, as well.  When you look at it objectively, it’s one hell of an accomplishment.

The fact is human history is built on our ability to metaphorically teach elephants to stand on their heads.  We are the dominant species on this planet because we not only envision things that don’t exist but also find a way to create them.  For example, nobody invented the wheel – round things roll naturally.  The genius was the person who thought of connecting two round things on a shaft so they would roll together, then figured out a way to attach a platform on top of that shaft in such a way that the platform itself didn’t roll.  It’s complicated just trying to describe it!  But our world is full of stuff like that.  Just take a minute and try to explain the mechanics of a button — out loud.  It’s the simplest machine in the world, but it’s built on a set of complex principles that all need to be connected to work properly.  Yet someone, somewhere (13th century Germany, actually) figured it out – the first time.  Levers, pulleys, screws, wrenches and all the other mechanical devices we take for granted were once just figments of somebody’s imagination.  But history isn’t just engineering.  Think about coffee.  Coffee beans on the bush are hard as whalebone and squint-your-eyes bitter, but somebody woke up one morning and thought, “I’ll bet if I pick these beans, roast them, ground them up and pour hot water on them, I’ll get an excellent morning beverage.”  Maybe it happened that way; regardless, it did happen!  Cuz that’s what humans do.  We make something out of nothing.

When I was a child, the circus fascinated me for months.  But for years, of all the amazing Greatest Show On Earth things I saw that day, the only one I really remembered was that lady and her elephants.  And even though I didn’t truly understand it I knew they were something special.

Super-duper Smart People


My whole life has been a lie — and so has yours!  Unless you’re some super-duper scientist, you’ve been living under the delusion that the Earth has only one moon — conveniently called “The Moon.”  You’re wrong.  Our planet actually has two moons, and the second one is called Cruithne.  You didn’t know that, did ya?  Well, don’t feel bad ’cause neither does anyone else outside the super-duper scientist community.  But wait: there’s more!  The reason you and I and everybody else have never heard about Cruithne is another bunch of super-duper scientists thought about it for a while and called “Bullshit!”  They say that this other moon isn’t really a moon; it’s a NEO (Near Earth Object) and, apparently, there are thousands of them flying around out there.  Nerd wars!

The truth is, it doesn’t matter if the Earth has one, two or a thousand moons.  Aside from screwing up some romantic song lyrics and making the horoscope people look like idiots, what difference does it make?  Not much!  The important thing, however, is we have a crew of super-duper smart people sitting around all day, thinking about smart stuff — like whether a space rock the size of a golf course is a moon or not.

Here’s the deal: 500 years ago (1518) if you mentioned the Earth revolved around the Sun, you’d have been burned as a heretic.  (Galileo and his buddy Copernicus barely missed getting the crispy critter treatment for saying exactly that — 25 years later.)  But you don’t have to go back that far.  Less than a hundred years ago, if you told people a moldy cantaloupe could cure everything from pneumonia to blood poisoning, they’d have found a straitjacket and put you in it.  Hell, 30 years ago we only had one moon!  My point is, who knows what absolute facts will be proven wrong 500, 100 or even 30 years from now?

Ordinary people, like me, don’t know anything about microbes or moons or any of the other billions and one things scooting through our universe.  We need super-duper smart people to think about that stuff and figure it out for the rest of us.  People like Da Vinci, Newton, Madame Curie, Einstein and good old what’s-his-name who discovered Cruithne in 1986.  These are the folks who, throughout history, changed the human race from a bunch of thugs with thumbs into the dominant species on this planet.  And if it weren’t for them, we’d still be dancing around the campfire and howling at the moon — whichever one you fancy.

BTW, it’s been generally decided that 3753 Cruithne is not a moon, but for a while there, it looked like we’d all be singing “By the light of the silvery Cruithne.”

The Wonderful World Of Science

dimesion.jpgWe live in a wonderful scientific age.  In our time, the selective use of science can prove — or disprove — anything we like.  For example, did you know we live right next door to a parallel universe?  We do.  Now, I’m not one of the tinfoil hat brigade.  Nor do I hear voices from across the ether.  What I do have is some pretty compelling evidence that we are not alone in a uni-dimensional universe.  And with a little scientific analysis and some 21st century logic, we can see just how dangerous these beings from “the other side” are.  Let’s look at the facts.

The Socks In The Dryer Conundrum
Evidence — How many time have you put a load of laundry into the dryer, gone back an hour later and discovered you suddenly have a odd number of socks?  It happens all the time — right?  Plus, and this is the weird bit, it’s never bed sheets, blue jeans or pajamas that disappear — only socks.  Clearly, we don’t think the dryer ate the missing socks — that would be stupid — but something did happen here.
Analysis — The only logical explanation is the spinning dryer must create a vortex that allows beings from another dimension to travel here and steal our socks.
Conclusion — These extra-dimensional beings have no regard for the human concept of private property; they’re totally dishonest and they can’t be trusted.  Also, since we know socks come in pairs, they’re probably stealing individual socks for their third foot.  Therefore, we can logically conclude they must have three legs.

The Where Did My Stuff Go? Mystery
Evidence — How many times have you reached for your key, your gloves, your telephone, etc. and discovered the item is missing?  You check all the places it could be, retrace your steps, search the house, the office, the car and still can’t find it.  Then, suddenly, the item reappears in the most unlikely spot.  Clearly, we don’t think the item moved itself — that would be stupid — but something did happen here.
Analysis — Since we already know beings from the other dimension are capable of inter-dimensional travel (see #1) we can assume that, once again, they are stealing our stuff.  However, why are they giving it back?  Obviously, unlike the socks, they neither need nor want our personal items.
Conclusion — Extra-dimensional beings are taking our things away for analysis and then returning them when they’ve collected the information they need.  This is pure intelligence gathering.  They want to know all about us so they can find our weaknesses.  And since they don’t keep things like key fobs and smart phones, we can logically conclude they are more technologically advanced than we are.  Plus, since we never see the theft (and these beings aren’t — uh — invisible, LOL) we can deduce that they must be extremely fast, which is corroborated by the fact that they have three legs.

But here’s the proof that seals the deal:

The Extra Stuff Enigma
Evidence — How many times have you been looking through a drawer or cupboard and found an electronic cord that doesn’t fit anything, a key without a lock, a lock without a key, plastic container lids that don’t fit any containers, breath mints in the bottom of your pocket, a single battery, pens, pennies, paperclips, the list goes on and on.  We all have this kinda stuff kickin’ around and have no idea where it came from.  Clearly, we don’t think these items just appeared by magic — that would be stupid — but something did happen here.
Analysis — Extra-dimensional beings are not only stealing things from us but also leaving things behind.  This is the inter-dimensional equivalent of littering.
Conclusion — Inter-dimensional beings are throwing things out in our dimension because — in their own dimension — the garbage bins are full.  Since we already know their civilization is more advanced than ours (see #2) we can only assume that they have an even bigger waste management crisis than we do.

So let’s put it all together

Super Conclusion — Here are the facts.
1 — Three-legged beings in a parallel dimension are capable of inter-dimensional travel.
2 — They have a disregard for private property.
3 — They’re gathering intelligence to discover our weaknesses.
4 — They’re in an environmental crisis.
The only logical conclusion we can come to is our world is being probed by extra-dimensional aliens who are about to invade us and use our planet as a gigantic garbage dump.

Thanks, science!  You’ve done it again!