Tag: seasons

A Few Helpful Hints For A Better Autumn

autumnWe finally made it.  Summer is officially over.  Once again, humanity has survived Mother Nature’s cunning plan to kill us all with soul- searing heat, mind-poaching humidity and the choking smoke of a billion barbeques.  Pat yourself on the back, folks. But don’t get complacent ’cause it ain’t over yet.  Believe it or not, there are people in this world who love summer and lament its passing.  Yes, I know: it sounds crazy, but it’s true.  Unfortunately, these folks just don’t know how to act once the temperature drops below broil.  Personally, I tolerate these misguided creatures, but many people don’t.  So, as the sun slowly fades south, if you’re still wearing flip-flops, here are a few helpful hints so that we can all live together in harmony this autumn.

If you insist on playing Christmas music before October 31st, you can be legally killed and your rotting corpse used as a Hallowe’en display.

Hallowe’en is a children’s holiday.  It’s not a Skank-a-thon.  Control yourself!

Pumpkin Spice is one of the biggest scams since Hallmark came out with Hallowe’en cards.  It isn’t even a real spice!  So, saying you’ve been waiting all year for it is like saying you’ve been waiting for Bernie Madoff to take your money.  And BTW, Pumpkin Spice potatoes, salmon and asparagus are all bullshit!

Parents, we understand you’re overjoyed that your kids aren’t hanging around the house anymore. But, folks!  You’re only driving them to school; you’re not in a race to get them the last seat on the Mars Rover!

Guys, put away the short pants.  You look ridiculous.  You’re a grown man, for God’s sake!

Likewise, women: a long woolen Harry Potter scarf with a pleated micro mini isn’t fashion: it’s a open invitation to pneumonia.

And if you’re too stupid to wear enough clothes when it’s cold, you deserve to get sick — so quit bitchin’ about it.

Also, Germbags!  If you’re sniffling, sneezing, wheezing or coughing up a lung, stay away from public transportation. That includes taxis and airplanes. (What is it with sick people?  Why do they all have this uncontrollable urge to travel?)

And a couple more words of caution — so you don’t become so annoying that regular people finally just snap and slap the crap outta ya:

It’s not necessary to announce that there are only X number of days left until Christmas — every half hour.

And, no,– I have no idea what I’m going to do for Hallowe’en.   Quit asking!

5 Reasons Why I Love Autumn

autumnI’ve already said I hate summer, so chances are good I’m on Satan’s shortlist of souls he’d like to meet and greet — permanently.  Hating summer is like seeing an ugly baby and then actually saying it : everybody kinda agrees with you, but nobody’s on your side.  However, as the man said, “If you’re going to Hell anyway, you might as well just keep driving.”  So summer might not actually suck — all the time — but here are 5 reasons why I prefer autumn.

Autumn is active — When summer is over, you can actually do things again — like walking down the street or standing waiting for a bus — without feeling like a tributary of the Amazon is flowing down the back of your shirt and into your underwear.

Autumn is cozy — There is nothing better than a fuzzy sweater on a chilly evening.  And is there anybody in this world who doesn’t like fat, warm socks?  These are two of life’s priceless little pleasures that release tons of endorphins.  Unfortunately, they’re not available to us when the temperature is 36 degrees in the shade — and there ain’t no shade.  It is my considered opinion that the lack of fuzzy sweaters and fat socks is why people in desert countries are so grouchy all the time.

Autumn moves — Summer doesn’t move.  It just lies on you like a Hot Fudge Quilt.  Autumn, on the other hand, lives on the breeze.  You can taste it in the early morning, fresh as that first cup of coffee.  It plays in the trees like Peter Pan having a giggle.  It swirls and twirls tiny tornados of leaves at your feet, teases your hair like a casual lover and sends you to bed with an extra blanket tucked up to your chin.

Autumn is made of soup — There is only so much cremated cow a man can stand.  Autumn is the time for great cauldrons of things that sound and bubble and fill up the house with steam and smell and plenty; served in great bowls with bread or in a thick mug, balanced just right between you and your book.

And finally:

Autumn is serious — When the temperature starts to drop in the Northern Hemisphere, we all have this weird cultural memory that “Winter is Coming” and it’s going to try to kill us.  We don’t lay in stocks of food and firewood anymore, but we do subconsciously put away the toys of summer and assemble our tools.  That’s why God made “Back to School” sales.

It might still be three weeks until Autumn is “officially” here, but Mother Nature and I always start early — right after Labour Day.  And I can see it from here.

5 Reasons I Hate Summer

summer heatI woke up this morning and, for the first time, I could see autumn from here.  What a relief!  It’s not that I hate summer; it’s just that summer is so-o-o-o-o long and sweaty and inconvenient and bug-infested and sticky and annoying and … I think I’ve made my point.

Here are five reasons I’m happy to finally see autumn coming.

Summer is noisy — Everybody and his sister thinks they have a moral obligation to share their taste in music with the universe.  From the middle of May to Labour Day, Earth’s atmosphere is wall-to-wall stereos, blasting away like the Seven Trumpets of the Apocalypse.  It’s a wonder other planets don’t get pissed off and call the cops.

Summers are underdressed — It’s as if the entire world went to the beach and never came home.  I’m no prude, but men, shirts (even t-shirts) should have sleeves, not gaping holes; dirty feet are not fetish material, especially in a bank or a restaurant; and ladies, boobs and bum cheeks should go on the inside of whatever you’re wearing — that’s why you’re wearing it.

It’s hot — Mother Nature goes nuts every the summer — that’s her job — but that doesn’t mean I have to like it.

The food sucks — I like BBQ as well as the next man, but I don’t believe 30,000 years of human development should be thrown away every time the sun shines.  We’re not Neanderthals, and contemporary life should feature better cuisine than a glob of potato salad, a lukewarm beer and a slab of overcooked meat snatched from a backyard crematorium by somebody wearing a “Kiss the Cook” apron.

And finally:

Nobody’s around — Every time you want to do something important, the person you need to sign the form, stamp the approval or initial the receipt is always on vacation.  There is nothing more frustrating than standing there, up to your elbows in some bureaucrat’s idea of paperwork Nirvana, while the one person you simply have to have to complete the process is at the beach, dancing half-naked around the fire while her drunken secretary is busy flipping the burgers — all to the tune of “In The Summertime” by Mungo Jerry.