Questions!

Unless you’re four years old, Seth Rogen or the Big Lebowski, you don’t have a lot of time to lie around the house and wonder why.  Adults, who aren’t permanently affixed to 4/20 self-medication, learn to take a few things on faith.  After all, “why?” is a pretty open-ended question and much if it, without herbal encouragement, isn’t worth the trouble.  For example, I don’t know why there are 8,000 different kinds of pasta, and, honestly, I don’t care.  I’m sure somebody knows the difference between linguini, fettuccini and all of other “inis,” out there, but it ain’t me.  However, there are times when our inner child does escape on a Friday morning and, over a second cup of coffee just wonders why.

During automobile commercials, when the car speeds up, why are the wheels turning the wrong way?  I’m no fan of physics, but that’s impossible.

The Ancient Greeks believed in a pantheon of gods who lived on Mount Olympus.  Mount Olympus is only 3,000 metres high.  Why didn’t somebody just climb the mountain and look?

When anti-religious people get upset about religious symbols like burkas and crucifixes, why doesn’t anybody ever mention yoga pants?  Honestly, we should do something about yoga pants.

Why television advertisements for hearing aids don’t have subtitles.  It seems to me they’re missing their target audience.

Why, after a murder, it’s always some jogger who finds the body.  I don’t trust joggers — uh — or people who walk their dogs, either.

Why single women in romantic comedies all have crap jobs but fabulous apartments full of cool furniture.  And how — exactly — are they paying for all this?

Why vegans always announce they’re vegan at parties.  Are they worried somebody’s going to accidently drop a pork chop in their drink?

Why English actors can sound like they’re American but, when American actors try to do a British accent, they all sound like they’ve got a carrot up their nose.

Why do people use the phrase “funny as hell.”  By all accounts, Hell isn’t the least bit funny.

Why Nala from The Lion King and Maid Marian from Robin Hood aren’t Disney princesses.  I think it’s a clear case of species-ism (specaphobia?)

Why a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out.

Why algebra?

Why everybody cheers for the early bird but nobody has any compassion for the early worm.

Why people watch horror movies.  I fail to see how scaring the bejesus out of yourself passes for “entertainment.”  And that goes double for scary rides at the State Fair.

Every year, charities spend thousands and thousands of dollars making television commercials to solicit donations.  Why don’t they take the big money they’re spending on film crews, transportation, actors, actresses and TV time and just give it to the people they’re trying to help?

Why don’t psychics ever win the lottery?

And finally, two of my favourites:

If Darwin’s Theory of Evolution is correct and there is natural selection, then why, after 50,000 years of human history, are there still so many stupid people kicking around?

Why, when you can pretend to be anything you want on social media, people choose to be stupid.

Why Aliens Won’t Talk To Us

aliens1Unless you flunked out of Math, Science, Stats, Probability, Literature, Philosophy, Biology and Logic — all at the same time — you realize that millions of galaxies, billions of stars and trillions of planets equal a damn good chance that there is intelligent life (besides us) somewhere in the Universe.  It just makes sense, right?

So why won’t aliens talk to us?

BTW, Bubba and Bobbi-Sue’s shaky iPhone video of the sun glinting off a Frisbee™ doesn’t constitute alien contact.  And — just for the record — aliens probably have better things to do with their time than probe fat guys, lose their skulls in Central America or leave painfully childish clues to their existence for weirdo TV documentary film makers to find.  (Just sayin’!)

So, with no credible evidence, we must assume that aliens simply don’t want to talk to us.  Why?

I think that they think we’re strange.  And not just regular isn’t-that-cute strange, either.  Let me give you a few examples to demonstrate:

Cricket — Try explaining this to somebody who doesn’t already understand the game.  It’s the only sporting activity that stops for whiskey, tea, sandwiches, dessert and a cigar, and comes with a warning label, “May cause soul-eating boredom, severe depression and thoughts of suicide.”  And this is what some humans consider fun?

English Spelling — Whoever thought up the rules for spelling English words was drunk, stoned and stupid.  The letters, the sounds and the phonics are not even close, and for non-English speakers, it must look as if every word has its very own set of rules.  Good luck translating that into anything beyond Klingon!

Yoga Pants — What would you think if you were an alien?

DIY Television Programs — The guy on TV uses the same material, tools and technique as I do, plus I follow his instructions to the letter.  However, his birdfeeder looks as if  it were hand crafted by the Elves of Lothlorien, whereas mine looks like it was hammered together by the Orcs of Mordor.  There is no justice on this planet.  (Aliens can sense this.)

But the real reason aliens don’t talk to us (among tons of others.)

Crop Circles — Aliens must sit around their flying saucers laughing their various body parts off.  Here we humans are, the dominant species on this planet, and we’re so dumbass stupid we believe that intelligent beings, clearly capable of intergalactic travel, are attempting to communicate by stumbling around Southern England in the middle of the night, making geometric designs in corn fields?  On what level is this even close to being reasonable?

Or maybe it’s just simply that aliens would rather talk to chickens. After all, they’re obviously not interested in us.