Stuff I’ve Learned From Life


I’ve been wandering around this planet for quite a few years now, and I’ve discovered a whole pile of cool things.  Most of it is useless information — like James Bond never wears lace-up shoes – and while that might be good for a few drinks on Quiz Night, it doesn’t exactly pay the rent.  In fact, these days, Wikipedia has put smart people like me out of business.  However, some of the stuff I know just isn’t generally available, and sometimes it can make life’s journey a whole lot easier.  So, here are a few things (in no particular order) that are kinda neat to know.

Venice isn’t fun anymore — it’s full.  One more busload of tourists and they’re going to change the name to Atlantis.

Never play peek-a-boo with a toddler on a transatlantic flight.  You’re trapped — and they’re relentless.

When the voice at the other end of the telephone says, “Your call is important to us,” you’re going to be on hold for a loooong time.

People with an accent are smart enough to speak at least one more language than you.

As you get older, the printed word gets proportionately smaller.

Hygge is real, and so is Pyt.  If you don’t recognize these words, you need to google them immediately.  It could change your life.

Saying “sorry” doesn’t do anything.  The idea that it’s some kind of emotional antibiotic is just contemporary crap.  The trick is not doing things that you have to apologize for.

Always eat the last cookie in the package.  Leaving it is an act of cruelty to the next person who thinks they’re getting cookies but … ends up with disappointment because who looks forward to eating just one cookie?

Hobbies are just work you enjoy.

For some weird reason, candlelight makes food taste better.

The minute somebody says, “I don’t judge” — they already have.

The difference between movies, films and cinema depends entirely on what kind of a pompous ass is talking about them.

Anybody can sell their soul, but it takes a real dick to get full value.

And finally:

Life is actually just a constant struggle between sexy and comfortable — but when the two of them show up in the same place at the same time, it’s absolutely fabulous.

Still Funny After All These Years


The last time I looked, I was 35.  So, for all intents and purposes, that’s where I remain.  My outward appearance tells a different story (grey hair, weathered eyes and various bits that sag) but inside my head, I’m the same age as James Bond.  This isn’t a problem, really (James never had it so good!) but trying to reconcile 2019 with where I’m livin’ (somewhere in the early 90s) is getting more and more difficult.  Let’s face it, folks!  The 21st century has taken a serious turn down Silly Street and, these days, it’s all I can do to keep a straight face.  Let me demonstrate:

All the cops look like kids.  I don’t remember when we started giving children guns and badges, but it’s quite disconcerting to be stopped on the highway by somebody who looks like they just stepped out of Paw Patrol.

New Year’s Eve isn’t all that fascinating anymore.  Once an annual debauch worthy of the Marquis de Sade and Henry VIII, New Year’s Eve has become Amateur Hour – one brief moment when button-down people unbutton, drink an adult beverage and try and sneak in a kiss at midnight.  (Good luck with that one, BTW.)  This is a party?  I’m laughin’!

Most of the music sounds like noise.  I have questions!  What is classic hip-hop?  How is that different from regular hip-hop?  Why hasn’t anyone noticed that Taylor Swift only sings one song?  Are we absolutely certain Cardi B and Nicki Minaj aren’t the same person?  And how the hell did Ed Sheeran become a love song heartthrob?

Everything is expensive.  Hey, dentists!  You’re filling a tooth, not renovating the Great Wall of China.

Self-help doesn’t mean what it used to.  First I had to pump my own gas, then I had to bring my own bags, now I have to checkout my own groceries.  This thing isn’t going to end until hospitals are offering self-inflicted, video-assisted gallbladder operations – on YouTube!

Fashion is less than fashionable.  Karl Lagerfeld is dead, and when I look at some of the crap strutting down the Paris runways, I’m not feeling all that well myself.

What happened to junk food?  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “Going to McDonald’s for a salad is like going to a hooker for a hug.”

And finally:

Hollywood doesn’t know what to do with women.  Not all that new, but this recent trick of taking old movies, changing the main characters from male to female and calling it feminism is so totally condescending even Harvey Weinstein is saying, “WTF?”

Why DID The Chicken Cross The Road?


Why did the chicken cross the road?  Our time is so terminally serious that a lot of people think this is a real question, and more importantly, an opportunity to jump on their soapbox and give the world the benefit of their answer.  Here are just a few examples.

Will this be on the exam?
University freshman

To die in a ditch – alone.
University sophomore

I know why, but you wouldn’t understand.
University senior

I’m up to my ass in student loans: I don’t care.
University graduate

Chickens are running for their lives since the Trump administration announced it would be adding chicken soup to the White House cafeteria lunch menu.

To sell its eggs on our side of the road and destroy the American poultry industry.
Fox News

This is what happens to British agriculture when a bunch of uneducated yobs vote for Brexit.

I think we better take a look at the slo-mo video review of that– to make sure the chicken actually did get across the road.
ESPN Sports

Chicken on the road!  You won’t believe the “shocking” video!
Huffington Post

That question will be answered in a 10-part original series — with Jennifer Lawrence as Chicken Little and Alec Baldwin as the Cock of the Walk.

We don’t care why, but we will accept one million chickens who are fleeing their side of the road.
Angela Merkel

We are not racist, but we’re glad the chickens are going back to their own side of the road.
Madame Marine Le Pen

On behalf of all Canadians, we apologize for our ancestors who built a road that the chicken was forced to cross.
Justin Trudeau

To try and escape from our awesome nuclear arsenal.  But there is no escape, and I will rain fire down on any chicken who dares challenge my supreme power.
Kim Jong-un

I have no knowledge of this chicken.  It wasn’t a Russian chicken, and anyone who says it was — is misinformed.
Vladimir Putin

He didn’t!  Fake news!  Not funny!
Donald Trump

Colonel Sanders is sexist.
Serena Williams

I’m smarter than that chicken.
Kanye West

I walk down the middle of the road.
Taylor Swift

We must end our dependence on fossil fuels, and then there would be no need for roads, chickens would run free, and families could just gather the eggs for food.

Did you know that millions of chickens are suffering and never get the chance to cross a road?

One percent of the world’s population controls 90% of the chickens and 80% of the roads.  That’s not fair.

I’d like to live in a world where chickens can cross roads without everyone questioning their motivation.
Facebook activist

Chickens have just as much right to cross the road as roosters do.
20th Century feminist

What’s your problem with an empowered female following her passion in a rooster-dominated society?
21st Century feminist

But my favourite is

Wow!  Wouldn’t it be weird to have feathers and shit, and like we could fly everywhere, and instead of having babies, we could just like lay eggs?  Cool!
Over-enthusiastic Cannabis User