10 Jobs You’ve Never Heard Of!


There are tons of jobs in this world that nobody’s ever heard of.  They’re not advertised anywhere — and companies will deny they even exist – but they do.  And after years of research, I’ve managed to identify a few of them.

Flak Catcher – Every company on this planet employs an army of people whose only job is to answer the telephone and get yelled at.  They’re the ones on the other end of “Customer Support.”  They have no real power and can’t actually fix your problem, so they are just supposed to listen to your assortment of threats and obscenities and hope the hell you go away.  Most companies prefer ex-nuns for this position.

Complimentary Crying Baby – You’d think that child labour laws would prevent this sort of thing, but every airline employs a variety of babies who fly around the world and cry — during takeoffs, landings and just when you’re about to take a nap.  There’s a lot of room for advancement in this position, and many babies go on to become the “Obnoxious Child.”  I have no idea why airlines do this, but I’m assuming it’s to boost liquor sales.

Motorcycle Rider – This occupation dates back to post World War II when housing developers hired ex-servicemen to roar around the streets of urban areas on noisy motorcycles.  Their purpose was to “encourage” young families to buy houses in quieter suburbs — and it worked.  These days, the building trade still hires “Motorcycle Riders,” and in some cities, it’s considered a growth industry.

Useless Government Employee – All governments hire one person whose sole purpose is to give you the wrong forms, send you to the wrong department or generally muck up the paper trail so completely that even Stephen Hawking can’t figure it out.  They do this so the other government employees look good in comparison.

Cat Sex and Barking Dog – I don’t know how they train these animals, but pharmaceutical companies have employed them for years to help sell sleeping pills.

Arguing Woman – Always found in grocery stores, this person’s job is to hold up the line by arguing with the cashier over some ridiculous thing like expired coupons.  The purpose is to stall you at the checkout long enough so you buy stupid crap you don’t really need — like magazines, gum and candy bars.

Movie Talker – The jerk in the movie theatre eight rows back who insists on explaining the coming plot twists to her hearing-impaired friend.  I’m not sure who hires these people, but I imagine it’s probably Netflix, Hulu or some other streaming service.

Condescending Techie – Companies that sell electronics all have one techie who’s an utter asshole.  His job (and it’s always a guy) is to roll his eyes, speak gibberish at you and reconfigure your device so you can’t find anything.  They do this in the hope that you’ll eventually get so fed up with the problem you’ll just say, “Forget it!” and buy something new.

Stereo Guy – This is a seasonal position (summer only.)  Air conditioning companies hire people to wait until midnight, turn their stereos up to a million decibels and blast Mega-Death Hip Hop Techno Country music into the stinkin’ hot summer night.  The purpose is to force you to buy an air conditioner so you can close your windows against this unholy din without dying of heat stroke.

And finally:

Dog Walker/Jogger – These people are hired by the police to go to secluded wooded areas and find dead bodies.

Jobs In The 21st Century


Like the elves of Middle Earth, jobs are leaving these shores and they’re not coming back.  These days, if you are a travel agent, cashier, bank teller, journalist, or in any one of the other 1,001 person-to-person professions of the 20th century – you’d better start looking over your shoulder.  In the next decade, your paycheque is going to go the way of the dinosaur.  Quite frankly, blacksmiths will have better employment opportunities than you will.  Luckily, however, economics is a survival of the fittest science, and it’s already creating a shedload of new careers.  Here’s just a small sampling of the new jobs being created in the 21st century.  The crazy thing is – for the most part — these are real.

Harassment Officer –This is the only job in history that’s totally dependent on the employee NOT doing the job.  Think about it!  If a Harassment Officer actually puts a stop to harassment in the workplace, they’re out of a job.

Social Media Consultant – Apparently, there are still people on this planet who don’t know how Facebook, Instagram and Twitter work.

Millennial Generation Expert – Yes, companies hire people to try and figure out what makes their younger employees tick.  My best guess is they wander around the office telling everybody under 30 they’re “awesome” and then, once a week, they give out trophies.

Personal Shopper – This job has been around for a while, but it still amazes me that some people hire people to buy presents for the friends and relatives they can’t be bothered going to Walmart for.

Bikini Waxer – Back in the day, personal grooming was – uh – personal. Now we get professionals in on the plot.  My question is how do these people learn their trade?  Where are the schools?

Cloud Services Specialist – I have no idea what the hell these people do.

Activist – These are the people who make a career out of being pissed off.

Grant Writer – These are the people who convince rich people to give them money to pay the people who’ve made a career out of being pissed off.

Uber Driver – Simplest job in the world.  All you have to do is go to Uber.com and sign up.  According to one person I talked to, Uber doesn’t even check to see if you actually have a car.

Influencer – We used to call these people shills. They worked carnivals and sideshows, trying to entice the local folk into spending their money on rigged games and cheap gadgets.  These days, they prowl the Internet and confine their activities to promoting perfumes and overpriced designer clothes.

Ethical Sourcing Officer – These are the people who make sure the Asian sweatshops aren’t beating the children who make those overpriced designer clothes.

Jean Ripper – I don’t know whether this is a real job or not, but somebody’s got to be ripping those overpriced designer jeans.

But my two favourites are:

Content Creator – These are the people who have YouTube channels, podcasts and — the grandmother of them all — blogs.  Yep, people actually get paid for wasting your time.

Content Reader – These are people who spend their days checking the contents of YouTube channels, podcasts and — the grandmother of them all — blogs.  Yep, people actually get paid for wasting their own time.

Avoidance Behaviour

behaviourTo everybody but me, my life right now looks like lazy.  However, in actual fact, I’m quite busy — engaging in that age-old tradition — Avoidance Behaviour.  As any practicing procrastinator will tell you, Avoidance Behaviour is an essential part of getting anything done.  It’s all the dickin’ around you do between the time you decide on a task and the night before the deadline.  However, Avoidance Behaviour is not simply wasting time there are three very important standards which govern the practice.

1 — Avoidance Behaviour must not be connected in any way to the task at hand.  For example, if your task is building a garden shed, you should first clean out the refrigerator, or organize the silverware, or in extreme cases, pull everything out from underneath the kitchen sink, see what’s been hiding there, sort it and then put it all back for another time when you have more time to deal with it.

2 — The best Avoidance Behaviour is useless stuff that nobody in their right mind would ever think of doing.  Alphabetizing all those CDs you’ve got left over from the 80s is an incredible piece of Avoidance Behaviour.  Colour coding your closet is another one or searching Social Media for that bitch from high school (what’s-her-name?) who ran the Yearbook and put the dorky picture of you picking your nose under “Student Activities.”  (Wait a minute — I’ve done that.)  Anyway, to further clarify, here are some excellent examples of Avoidance Behaviour:

Watching old Brendan Fraser movies.
Surfing YouTube for that 70s song that goes “Da, da, da, da, dum, dee, dum, dum, something, something, dee, dee, dum.”
Making a list of all the members of the Legion of Super Heroes– with their corresponding powers — just in case you might need it someday.
Driving across town for that particular pastrami sandwich you remember from university.  (This works especially well if, once you get there, you discover the deli closed 12 years ago and is now a Yoga Centre.)

And finally:

3 — Avoidance Behaviour is time sensitive.  To get the most benefit out of Avoidance Behaviour, it should begin immediately after you’ve got a rough idea of what you going to do, continue (off and on) throughout the rest of the process, and end in a frenzy the day before the deadline, preferably in the late afternoon.  This produces the maximum amount of panic which, in turn, releases the optimal amount of adrenaline, Norepinephine and Cortisol — all needed to complete any task in the nick of time.

So for all those people who think I will never get my book of short stories published — think again.  The only problem I have is that, when you’re doing nothing, you kinda never really know when you’re done.