A Sideways Glare at Contemporary Society
Any Laplander will tell you that all reindeer have antlers. This is a fact. It is also a fact that male reindeer lose their antlers in late November or early December, whereas female reindeer do not lose their antlers until spring. Ergo, the reindeer that pull Santa’s sleigh are all female – including Rudolph. There were originally eight reindeer pulling the sleigh: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. Rudolph was added in 1939 when Robert L May created a colouring book for retailer Montgomery Ward to give away at Christmas. The book told the now familiar story of Rudolph and how he came to guide Santa’s sleigh. Ten years later, in 1949, Gene Autry had finished colouring all the pictures, so he decided to record a song based on the Rudolph story. It was an instant hit, and Rudolph has been around ever since. Many years ago, there was another reindeer pulling the sleigh. Unfortunately became bitter and belligerent, so Santa had to take appropriate disciplinary action. His name was Dinner.
Canada and Christmas
Canada was the first country to issue Christmas stamps — in 1898.
Nova Scotia exports more Christmas trees than anywhere else in the world.
Santa Claus lives in Canada. He has his own address and postal code. It’s Santa Claus, North Pole, Canada, H0H 0H0. If you write to him he will reply in whatever language your letter is written in. Try it!
The reason that relentless movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, is on TV so much is that television stations don’t have to pay for it. Apparently, when it was made, there was a mix-up in the contracts, so nobody who worked on the film — including the actors — ever gets residuals.
“Frosty the Snowman” was written by Jack Rollins and Steve Nelson in 1950, for Gene Autry, who wanted to follow up the success of “Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer” from the previous year.
The True Story of Santa Claus
In every Christmas book ever written, the story of Santa Claus starts out in some godforsaken town in Turkey. Presumably, there was a guy there named Nicholas, who was a priest or something. He was so generous the Church made him a saint. Fine! Then there’s a whole boring bit about saints in general and around 8 different stories about Nicholas in particular. None of them jive. Then the next thing you know, he shows up in Holland. He’s changed his name to Sinterklaas and he’s bought himself a horse. Then he’s Father Christmas; then he’s Kris Kringle (who doesn’t even have a Wikipedia entry), then he’s Pere Noel. Yeah, right! That’s the story we tell kids who are too young to understand.
Here’s the real story. Santa Claus has been around forever. He lives at the North Pole with Mrs. Claus, a ton of elves and the reindeer. Once a year, he gets into his magic sleigh and flies around the world, delivering toys to good girls and boys. How do I know this? Documented proof! Santa Claus has actually been seen – twice — once by Clement Moore in 1823, and then again by Haddon Sundblom sometime in the late 1920s. Clement Moore wrote a poem about his experience called, ‘Twas the Night before Christmas. In that poem, Moore describes Santa quite accurately, but because Moore suffered from an undiagnosed eye ailment, which messed up his depth perception, he didn’t realize Santa Claus was so big and called him “a right jolly old elf.” Santa Claus is actually quite a large gentleman. How do I know this? Again, documented proof. In 1931, Haddon Sundblom painted a picture of Santa as an advertisement for the Coca Cola Company. It appeared in the Saturday Evening Post. Sundblom’s image was universally recognized as Santa Claus; there were no complaints or any suggestions of inaccuracy. Therefore, we can conclude that Sundblom must have seen Santa relatively recently to depict his likeness so exactly. This is the true story of Santa Claus. That other bunch of nonsense is a fable.
The Little Drummer Boy
It is a well known fact that the stupid “Little Drummer Boy” (who was put on this earth to annoy me) has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas. The real little drummer boy was a pickpocket and sneak thief who fell in with the Three Wise Men in order to gain their confidence and eventually rob them. He was already a hardened criminal by that time and had a list of previous offences as long as the Ohio River. He was caught with his hand in the frankincense jar and sentenced to 10 years’ hard labour — which is exactly what the treacherous little bugger deserved.
Did you know?
If you’re frightened of Santa, you have Claustrophobia.
There was once a dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa.
“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” – Erma Bombeck
“All Christmas trees are perfect.” – Charles N Barnard
“Bah! Humbug!” — Ebenezer Scrooge
“Merry Christmas, Nearly Everybody!” – Ogden Nash