A Sideways Glare at Contemporary Society
WikiLeaks has struck again! Somebody has hacked into Santa’s computer, and WD Fyfe has been given exclusive rights to publish some of the e-mails Santa Claus has received this year. Here is a small sample.
Dear Santa — My name is Sarah, and I can see your house from my window. I’ve been a good girl all year, not like that busybody, Michelle. I don’t really want anything for Christmas this year, but in 2012, I’d like a new house in November — preferably in Washington. – Sarah — Sorry about the shooting: I didn’t know it was Blitzen.
Dear Santa — My name is Brian, and I’ll give you all my draft picks for the next 10 years if you give me somebody who can put the damn puck in the net. I’ve tried to be good all year. You can’t hold that stupid Kessel trade against me because that was last year. — Brian
Dear Santa — My name is Joe. Please don’t forget me again this year. I’m the vice-president of the United States. I’ve been good all year — except for the swearing part but that wasn’t my fault. I’d like some of the foreigners who come to visit us to remember my name. It would mean a lot to me. — Joe Biden (b-i-d-e-n) Biden
Dear Santa — My name is Julian. I’ve been a nasty little boy all year, but I don’t care because if you don’t give me what I want for Christmas, I’m going to leak all those e-mails you sent to the rehab clinic about Rudolph. — I’m watching you! Julian
Dear Santa — My name is Gregor, and I’ve been a sensitive, caring man all year. I’d like Peace on Earth for people who ride bicycles, and the rest of those “hacks” can go to hell. Oops, I apologize for my error in judgement: I didn’t know my pen still had ink in it. — Still not Premier of BC, Gregor Robertson
Dear Santa — If you want the World Cup at the North Pole, just put the money in an envelope and leave it under the tree. We’ll understand. — FIFA
Out of the way, Fat boy! I’m taking over. Christmas is mine. I deserve it. I work harder than you do –all year – not just during the holidays. And I get way more mail than you do. I give people better presents than you do too. And more people know who I am. So clear off, or I’ll buy all the toys in the world and put you out of business. — The Mega-Evil-Corporation (formerly known as Oprah)
Dear Santa — My name is Al, and I’ve been a good boy my entire life. I invented Christmas and the Internet. And, since I’ve already got an Academy Award and a Nobel Peace Prize, I really don’t need that much for Christmas. However, if you could make a certain massage therapist take the money and shut up, I’d really appreciate it. – Thanks! Al
Signore Claus — The girls and I are getting together over the holidays for a party, and we think it would be way cool to have some elves join in. If you could send a dozen or so, that would be meravigliosa. Never mind the price: we’ll just pay them when they get here. — Silvio Berlusconi
Santa — My name is Barack, but you can call me Obama; everybody else does. I know the whole Hope and Change thing didn’t work out, but I was a good boy just for trying it. So don’t listen to those guys at Fox News. I’ve got a long list of things to do this year, but my #1 Christmas present priority is Sarah Palin. Could you let her win the Republican Nomination in 2012? Maybe then I’ll have enough time to get some of this stuff done. — Obama
Dear Santa — This is to inform you that 13 of your elves don’t like the way you’re running Christmas. If you don’t step down immediately, they’re going to quit and make their own Christmas, and it’s going to be way better than yours. — Jenny Kwan — PS: When is Libby going to retire?
Dear Mr. Claus — My name is Justin, and I think I’m 12 years old. I’ve been a good boy all year and made a lot of little girls happy. I don’t really need anything for Christmas, but if you can do it, like my new friend Pinocchio, I’d like to be a real boy. Thank you very much. — Your friend, Justin Bieber
Fat Capitalist — Do not come near my sovereign airspace. I will retaliate and shoot you down. Be very afraid of me I have nuclear weapons. — Glorious Leader, Kim Jung-il
And the rest from a government computer in Ottawa:
Salutations — I’m not really sure what I want for Christmas. Conceptually, I suppose I’d like something to do with Peace on Earth, maybe. Theoretically, one could argue that Good Will to Men would be a good thing, as long as it included women. Of course, Happy Holidays is part of our common tradition, dating back to the 4th century and the inception of Christianity. Actually, between you and me, I just want outta here. The people here are so stupid. I don’t know what ever possessed me to leave Harvard. – Sincerely, Michael Ignatieff
Patriarchal Holiday Being — We don’t believe in you. Stop oppressing ordinary working Canadians. We demand a Government Inquiry into the working conditions of the elves. We oppose your American-style gift giving and your illegal occupation of the North Pole. — National NDP Caucus (Jack Layton, Acting Chair)
Pere Noel — Last year my presents were not bilingual and that made me very angry, but I kept them anyway. This year, you have to give me twice as many presents or I won’t celebrate Christmas with you anymore. — Gilles Duceppe
And one weird Podcast:
Santa, baby! slip a majority of seats, to me
I’ve been an awful good boy
And hurry down the chimney tonight
Santa, honey! A senate that will do what I say, my way
I’ll wait up for you here, Santa baby.
So hurry down the chimney tonight.
[And it just went on and on]