Apparently, Gyles Brandreth has, after years of research, come up with the 10 Best One-Liners from the Oxford Book of Humourous Quotes. I beg to differ. Stick to Scrabble, my friend. Your quotes are the Tiny Tim of 10 Best Lists. If your selections were a horse, a good vet would have to shoot it. Not only didn’t you include Dorothy Parker and Wilson Mizner, but you haven’t even brought the best Mae West, Groucho Marx or Oscar Wilde! However, rather than just carp about it, I’ve decided to produce a Ten Best of my own. First, Mr. Brandreth’s list. Then mine. You be the judge.
10 – “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.” (Jane Austen)
9 – (Nancy Astor to Winston Churchill) “If I were your wife, I would put poison in your coffee!”
Churchill: “And if I were your husband, I would drink it.”
8 – “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” (Groucho Marx)
7 – “Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before” (Mae West)
6 – “To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.” (Oscar Wilde)
5 – “If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.” (P.G. Wodehouse)
4 – “If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.” (Joan Rivers)
3 – “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” (Miles Kington)
2 – “If you lived in Sheffield and were called Sebastian, you had to learn to run fast at a very early stage.” (Sebastian Coe)
1 – “The email of the species is deadlier than the mail.” (Stephen Fry)
Now, in no particular order, I give you, W.D. Fyfe’s Ten Best One-Liners.
I’d agree with you if you were right.
Oh, please! That man has junior college written all over him.
Gay is not a place; you don’t get an accent.
Every woman wants a sensitive man until the son of a bitch shows up.
Copernicus called: you’re not the centre of the universe.
I don’t have enough money to get rich quick.
The news media interviewing the family after a murder is nothing more than Grief Porn.
Facts are not just a litany of stupidity agreed upon by you and your friends.
You’re so fake even Barbie is jealous.
Swiss cheese is only cheese, now and then.
And honourable mention:
Instead of complaining that you have no shoes, you should look at the man with no feet and steal his.