Best Jokes — 2019


What the hell’s going on?  It’s Friday the 13th, a couple of days ago there was a full moon, last Sunday we changed the clocks and now I found out some idiot bought all the toilet paper.  If I wasn’t a man of science, I would think Mother Nature is conspiring against her children.  She’s not.  Remember, we survived SARS in 2003, Bird Flu in 2005 and Swine Flu in 2009 ….  Hey!  Do I detect a pattern, here??  Anyway, I’m confident we’ll survive, but unfortunately I think the road’s going to get a little rocky.  So, in the interests of smoothing out the journey, here are the best jokes of the 2019 Edinburgh Fringe Festival.  Sit back, relax and have a laugh.  It can’t hurt.

What do I want played at my funeral?  Rugby! – Goodbear

My girlfriend and I are saving up for a mortgage, but it isn’t going very well – because sadly, all of our grandparents are still alive. – Matt Richardson

People say having kids is the best thing in the world, but you only ever hear that from the victims. – Abbie Murphy

I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on forever and there’s a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the Internet. – Catherine Bohart

In his job, my dad’s never lost a case.  That makes him Gatwick’s top baggage handler. – Glenn Moore

Apparently, smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory.  Well it that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does? – Mickey P. Kerr

Gay conversion camps try to make gay people into straight people using theatre.  That’s like a fat camp using Korean Barbeque. – Sam Morrison

Did you know the word “Ikea” is actually made up of two Swedish words?  “Ika,” meaning Sunday and “Keya,” meaning f***ing ruined. – The Scummy Mummies

My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition.  He was close, but no cigar. – Goose

I’ve tried online dating.  If you told me a year ago I’d be on a dating app, my wedding planner would’ve been furious. – Juliette Burton

Someone once said to me “Billie, you are so pretentious.” I think it was Jean Paul Sartre.  Or it could’ve been the Dalai Lama, I forget. – Billie Trix

Children are like sponges – in that they smell weird and they’re always a bit damp. – Lucy Frederick

I got asked the other day if I liked the music of Ariana Grande, which surprised me as I thought that was a type of coffee. – Joey Page

Someone stole my antidepressants.  Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. — Richard Stott

A thesaurus is great.  There’s no other word for it. – Ross Smith

Crime in a multi-storey car park.  That is wrong on so many different levels. – Tim Vine

I picked up a hitchhiker.  You’ve got to when you hit them. – Emo Philips

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg.  I thought, “This could be interesting.” – Paddy Lennox

I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us.  He’s not dead, just very condescending. – Jack Whitehall

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions.  What’s the point? – Alexei Sayle

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died … which was lucky, because he stepped on a land mine. – Olaf Falafel

Whenever someone says, “I don’t believe in coincidences,” I say, OMG! Me neither.” – Alasdair Beckett-King

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark? – Adam Hess

Why is it old people say, “There’s no place like home,” yet when you put them in one … — Stuart Mitchell

I often confuse Americans and Canadians … by using long words. – Gary Delaney

And finally:  Three of my favourites that didn’t make the cut.

I hate it when you see your girlfriend with another man and you can’t say anything about it cuz you’re with your wife and kids.

I hate it when you’ve just broken up with your boyfriend and you can’t explain why you’re so sad … to your husband.

I hate it when you know your husband’s cheating on you cuz he said he spent the weekend fishing with his best friend Jerry and you know he didn’t … cuz Jerry was in bed with you all weekend.

A “Real” Top Ten List of One-Liners

top10Apparently, Gyles Brandreth has, after years of research, come up with the 10 Best One-Liners from the Oxford Book of Humourous Quotes.  I beg to differ.  Stick to Scrabble, my friend.  Your quotes are the Tiny Tim of 10 Best Lists.  If your selections were a horse, a good vet would have to shoot it.  Not only didn’t you include Dorothy Parker and Wilson Mizner, but you haven’t even brought the best Mae West, Groucho Marx or Oscar Wilde! However, rather than just carp about it, I’ve decided to produce a Ten Best of my own.  First, Mr. Brandreth’s list.  Then mine.  You be the judge.

10 – “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”  (Jane Austen)

9 – (Nancy Astor to Winston Churchill) “If I were your wife, I would put poison in your coffee!”

Churchill: “And if I were your husband, I would drink it.”

8 – “I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.” (Groucho Marx)

7 – “Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before”  (Mae West)

6 – “To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.”  (Oscar Wilde)

5 – “If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled.” (P.G. Wodehouse)

4 – “If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.”  (Joan Rivers)

3 – “Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”  (Miles Kington)

2 – “If you lived in Sheffield and were called Sebastian, you had to learn to run fast at a very early stage.”  (Sebastian Coe)

1 – “The email of the species is deadlier than the mail.”  (Stephen Fry)

Now, in no particular order, I give you, W.D. Fyfe’s Ten Best One-Liners.

I’d agree with you if you were right.

Oh, please!  That man has junior college written all over him.

Gay is not a place; you don’t get an accent.

Every woman wants a sensitive man until the son of a bitch shows up.

Copernicus called: you’re not the centre of the universe.

I don’t have enough money to get rich quick.

The news media interviewing the family after a murder is nothing more than Grief Porn.

Facts are not just a litany of stupidity agreed upon by you and your friends.

You’re so fake even Barbie is jealous.

Swiss cheese is only cheese, now and then.

And honourable mention:

Instead of complaining that you have no shoes, you should look at the man with no feet and steal his.