I Wish I’d Said That – 2021

As I get older, I realize a ton of people are a lot smarter than I am.  When I look at the world (even wearing my rose-coloured glasses) mostly all I see is benign chaos.  However, some people can look through all that and see where the little bits of truth are hiding.  These are the folks who instantly grasp an idea, distill it down to a single sentence, flip it onto their tongues and then effortlessly blend it into the conversation.  I know envy is one of the 7 Deadly Sins, but, for all the world, I envy these people because on the rare occasions when I do that, I spend the rest of the day walking just a little taller.  Here are some examples and each one, when read carefully, demonstrates some serious understanding of the world we live in.

Journalism largely consists of saying “Lord Jones is dead,” to people who didn’t know he was alive.
G.K. Chesterton

The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 am.
Charles Pierce

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
Ann Landers

It’s dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Voltaire

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks for a funeral.
H.L. Mencken

The trouble with her is she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
George Bernard Shaw

A critic is a man who knows the way but can’t drive the car.
Kenneth Tynan

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.
Cher

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
Dylan Thomas

It was as stupid as taking a cauldron and a broom to a witch hunt.
Najira Olsen

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
A.H. Miller

Do you realize that, if it weren’t for Edison, we’d be watching television by candlelight?
Al Boliska

It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.
Jean Rostand

Love thy neighbour as thyself, but choose your neighbourhood.
Louise Beal

The average person thinks he isn’t.
L. Lorenzoni

What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to.
Hansell Duckett

We’re all in this alone.
Lily Tomlin

Where did I find the time to not read so many books?
Karl Krause

A fair fight is the one you win.
French Foreign Legion

And that greatest philosopher of them all — Anonymous

Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a loser.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nobody would get anything done.

Whoever said “money can’t buy happiness,” didn’t know where to shop.

No one ever bets enough money on a winning horse.

If you talk to God, you’re praying.  If God talks to you, you’re nuts.

Originally written September, 2017

The Art Of The Insult (2019)

insults

We are losing the art of the insult, and I, for one, will mourn its loss.  The problem is, in the 21st century, we’re under the delusion that tolerance is such an admirable quality that it takes precedence over everything else – up to and including common sense.  The result is we’re forced to publically accept all manner of idiot ideas and opinions — even though, inside our heads, we’re screaming WTF?  In a more civilized time, people were allowed to disagree with or even dislike all kinds of opinions and people without being branded a racist, a sexist, an alt-right extremist or the all-purpose “hater.”  But that’s what we do in the 21st century – like inarticulate school children — we call each other names.  It’s the best we got!  That’s why I mourn the loss of the insult.  Good insults take a high-velocity intelligence that we just don’t practice anymore, and like all language skills, it’s the canary in our society’s mineshaft.  Fortunately, it’s not over yet, and here are some examples of wonderful insults that demonstrate the high level of intelligence and skill it takes to call somebody a dumbass.  Enjoy!

I do desire we may be better strangers – William Shakespeare (As You Like It)

You are a sad little man, and you have my pity. – Buzz Lightyear (Toy Story)

I’ve known sheep that could outwit you.  I’ve worn dresses with higher IQs. – Wanda (A Fish Called Wanda)

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. – Oscar Wilde

He has Van Gogh’s ear for music. – Billy Wilder

If you gave [him] an enema, you could bury him in a matchbox. – Christopher Hitchens

He has delusions of adequacy. – Walter Kerr

I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

Just because you have one doesn’t mean you have to act like one.

If I had a gun with two bullets and was locked in a room with Hitler, Jack the Ripper and you, I’d shoot youtwice.

He’s always lost in thought.  It’s unfamiliar territory

You’re not pretty enough to be that stupid.

I have neither the time, nor the crayons to explain this to you.

Whoever told you to “be yourself” gave you bad advice.

I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

I can feel my personality turning a dull shade of grey when I talk to you.

You’re so dense, light must bend around you.

He has a lot to be modest about.

But my favourite is:

He is simply a hole in the air. – George Orwell (The Lion and the Unicorn)

I Wish I’d Said That!

ideaAs I get older, I realize a ton of people are a lot smarter than I am.  When I look at the world (even wearing my rose-coloured glasses) mostly all I see is benign chaos.  However, some people can look through all that and see where the little bits of truth are hiding.  These are the folks who instantly grasp an idea, distill it down to a single sentence, flip it onto their tongues and then effortlessly blend it into the conversation.  I know envy is one of the 7 Deadly Sins, but, for all the world, I envy these people ’cause on the rare occasions when I do that, I spend the rest of the day walking just a little taller.  Here are some examples and each one, when read carefully, demonstrates some serious understanding of the world we live in.

Journalism largely consists of saying “Lord Jones is dead,” to people who didn’t know he was alive.
G.K. Chesterton

The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 am.
Charles Pierce

Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than each other.
Ann Landers

It’s dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.
Voltaire

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks for a funeral.
H.L. Mencken

The trouble with her is she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
George Bernard Shaw

A critic is a man who knows the way but can’t drive the car.
Kenneth Tynan

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.
Cher

An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
Dylan Thomas

It was as stupid as taking a cauldron and a broom to a witch hunt.
Najira Olsen

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.
A.H. Miller

Do you realize that, if it weren’t for Edison, we’d be watching television by candlelight?
Al Boliska

It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.
Jean Rostand

Love thy neighbour as thyself, but choose your neighbourhood.
Louise Beal

The average person thinks he isn’t.
L. Lorenzoni

What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to.
Hansell Duckett

We’re all in this alone.
Lily Tomlin

Where did I find the time to not read so many books?
Karl Krause

A fair fight is the one you win.
French Foreign Legion

And that greatest philosopher of them all — Anonymous

Show me a good loser and I’ll show you a loser.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nobody would get anything done.

Whoever said “money can’t buy happiness,” didn’t know where to shop.

No one ever bets enough money on a winning horse.

If you talk to God, you’re praying.  If God talks to you, you’re nuts.