50 Shades of Mom Porn

What brings a blogger out of retirement?  50 Shades of Grey, of course!  I’m just glad I lived long enough to witness Cineplex’s final capitulation to Mom Porn.  Mom Porn, for the uninitiated, is the Romantic Comedy all grown up.  It’s driven by aging fangirls who were utterly astounded to discover Prince Charming came with a penis.  Uncomfortable with the unpredictability of this male appendage (it’s forever pushing its way into sunsets, starry nights, rainy days and cuddles) they decided to sanitize it out of existence.  Thus, the raw erotic power of Count Dracula became the brooding sensitivity of Edward Cullen.  However, since Eddie never actually did anything more than hint at his insatiable desires, there was a throbbing need to “take the relationship to the next level.”  Enter Christian Grey and the Victorian erotic cliché:
— underneath that stylish three-piece suit, all men are unfathomable brutes who think with their dicks
— women are unaware (read innocent or unconscious)of their own sexuality and need instruction to unleash their inner vixen
— and finally, sex is “naughty”

Thus, in the uninhibited 21st Century, we have come full circle to join hands with our Victorian ancestors.  Although we boast wall-to-wall gratuitous HBO boobs, the juvenile practice of twerking  and song lyrics that would make de Sade blush, sex has once again become just a little bit smutty.  And now it’s gone from the titillating wardrobe malfunction and the infantile “nip slip” to occupy centre stage at the suburban multiplex.

I’m certain, there are still people out there who understand that sex is at once a powerful, vulnerable, funny, serious, messy, rejuvenating, confounding, uncontrollably intimate act of physical poetry that is the ultimate connection between our minds, our emotions and our souls.  Unfortunately, these people are, as of this Valentine’s Day (ironic isn’t it?) being marginalized by the thunderous mainstream who are ponying up big bucks to voyeur the sterilized antics of Christian and Ana.  Profits trump poetry, folks, so expect more of the same.

Mom Porn is the new black.  Get used to it.