A Sideways Glare at Contemporary Society
Once again, in keeping with my avowed principle that my readers should go to bed smarter than when they woke up, here are some cool facts about Easter and environs. Pass this information on between mouthfuls of chocolate and you’ll either look like the smartest person in the room or a pompous ass — your choice.
The tastiest parts of the Easter bunny are the ears, followed by the nose. This is one of those stupid facts that has actually been statistically verified by years of research. Why? Go figure!
On average, North Americans consume over 90 million Easter bunnies every year. However, this incredible number does include those cheap bastards who buy their bunnies on Monday — when they’re half price.
The first European tourist on Easter Island was Dutch explorer Jacob Roggeveen, in 1722. He named the island Paasch Eyland (Easter Island) when he mistakenly thought all the large stone statues (Moai) he saw there were waiting for the Easter Bunny.
And speaking of Moai: if you want to make a million dollars, next Easter make a bunch of chocolate Moai and sell them to esoterically obsessed hipsters. These folks have tons of disposable cash and simply can’t pass up a chance to be ironic. (FYI, this is my idea. If you do make a million dollars, I want a Finder’s Fee!)
The name Easter actually comes from the pagan goddess of fertility, Eastre, whose symbols were the rabbit and the egg. Early Christians (marketing geniuses, BTW) saw an opportunity to piggyback their Holy Week resurrection message on the numerous Spring Festivals already established across Europe. They slowly pushed Eastre into the background, and 17 centuries later, all we have left are chocolate bunnies, coloured eggs and a misspelt name.
Over one billion jellybeans will be eaten this Easter. That sound you hear is the American Dental Association cashing their cheques and buying luxury condos.
Of the 50 or so obscenely opulent Faberge eggs produced for the Russian Royal Family, 8 are still missing. So, next time you have to endure an afternoon with your great-aunt Olga, take a snoop through her china cabinet — you might get lucky. These things sell for tens of millions of dollars, and if she doesn’t know it’s there, chances are good she won’t miss it.
And finally: Parents, decorating eggs with your children at Easter is a wonderful activity. It will demonstrate just exactly what kind of a wacko control freak you really are.