There are three kinds of people in the world: regular folks, (that would be us) jerks and assholes. We all recognize jerks and assholes. They’re those people whose decision-making and social behaviour ruins the quality of life for everyone around them. Yet they haven’t got a clue just how annoying they are. They can be the girl on the bus, the guy behind the counter, a neighbour, even a friend — but these days, they’re everywhere.
At first glance, jerks and assholes might look and act in a similar manner; however, they are two different species. Here’s a quick guide to help you sort them out. (Although I have used the masculine pronoun throughout, there are an equal number of male and female jerks and assholes. In fact, jerks and assholes practice 100% gender equality.)
At a restaurant, a jerk always leaves a miniscule tip.
An asshole always brags about the size of the tip he left, and then bitches about the service — after he’s left the restaurant.
A jerk will answer texts while he’s talking to you.
An asshole will stop you in mid sentence to show you the text.
A jerk doesn’t care what you think of him.
An asshole believes you think about him all the time.
A jerk will loudly explain why he’s an atheist to any Christian who crosses his path.
An asshole wants to discuss the Vatican’s position on pedophilia with your great aunt’s friend, retired Father Donnelly, aged 82.
At a coffee shop, a jerk asks any number of stupid questions but always ends up ordering a regular coffee.
An asshole will ask for some ingredient nobody’s ever heard of, be surprised that nobody’s ever heard of it, explain its significance to the barista and end up ordering a regular coffee. Then, after it’s poured he remembers he wanted decaf.
A jerk never cleans up after his dog.
An asshole scoops poop but leaves the bag under a tree.
At lunch, a jerk is constantly checking his phone.
An asshole has extended conversations.
A jerk laughs at his own jokes.
An asshole never laughs at anybody’s jokes.
A jerk is always late.
An asshole is always late.
You’re always nervous introducing your jerky friend to everybody.
You try to avoid introducing your asshole friend to anybody.