In today’s society, there is no such thing as normal. We’ve become so obsessed with Psycho-self diagnosis that pretty much every behaviour or personality trait has a syndrome, disease or disorder. People who line up their coffee cups aren’t simply tidy anymore; they have OCD. Children who get excited by the wonder of bright, new and beautiful aren’t just being kids; they have ADD. Nobody’s sad; they’re “clinically depressed” — and on and on. Unfortunately, we’ve overused these terms so outrageously that they’ve become virtually meaningless. However, there’s always room for improvement, so here are a few afflictions that might better reflect our contemporary world.
ACAD (Arrogant Celebrity Activist Disorder) Although ACAD is a condition that only affects famous people, its symptoms are widespread within the celeb community and very severe. ACAD sufferers are not connected to reality in any way. They truly believe that — even though they have no education, experience or ability beyond playing a guitar or crying on cue — they have a special insight into the world’s problems. They generally prance around our planet looking like hypocritical jackasses. They show up at Climate Change Conferences in chartered jets and stretch limos. They walk on red carpets wearing enough money to feed an African village for a decade. They shop Third World orphanages looking for designer children to adopt as if they were cruising Rodeo Drive. And at the end of it all, these filthy rich assholes have the cojones to try and scam the rest of us into donating our bus money to finance their multimillion dollar hobbies. There is no cure for ACAD; we just have to put up with it.
SWS (Star Wars Syndrome) Formerly called CCS (Constant Conspiracy Simplex) people with SWS believe the political candidate they chose not to vote for is Darth Vader, secretly engaged in various nefarious plots to ruin the world. This delusion naturally leads them to the conclusion that the candidate they did choose must be Yoda, a wise and thoughtful leader. Unfortunately, those with SWS refuse to consider any evidence which contradicts this simplistic fantasy nor accept the reality that the vast majority of political candidates are, in fact, Jar Jar Binks. SWS, even in mild cases, eventually causes the sufferer to become angry, defensive and secretly disappointed. There is only one known cure for SWS — rational thinking.
MFD (Maud Flanders Disease) Named for the dead Simpsons character Maud (“What About The Children?”) Flanders, MFD is a debilitating disorder closely associated with the Cult of Mom. MFD sufferers are usually found subjecting normal people to endless dissertations about child care adventures or parenting options. They spend their days mildly annoyed that nobody truly understands what awesome parents they are and become extremely agitated when the entire planet doesn’t come to a screaming halt every time some kid says something cute, has an unassisted toilet experience or throws a temper tantrum. Recent research has discovered that MFD is actually a self-perpetuating disease caused by the overwhelming guilt sufferers feel because they don’t actually believe all that bullshit they’ve been spouting. Be kind to those with MFD: they’ve put their lives are on hold, and they need to justify that.
EPP (Endless Phobia Phobia) People who suffer from EPP are unable to voice their opinions for fear of being labeled mentally ill. They generally smile and nod in agreement when the latest trending accusation is being tossed around, but secretly they wonder if the word “phobia” is even being used correctly anymore. Beware! EPP is actually contagious; you can catch it from the Eagerly Offended.
PCF (Politically Correct Fatigue) After living with Political Correctness for most of their lives, PCF sufferers are just emotionally tired of it. They no longer have the mental stamina to bother looking for common sense in the world. Chronic sufferers don’t even roll their eyes anymore. There is no known cure for PCF, and the only treatment is old Bill Maher videos.
It’s obvious our entire society is suffering from PDA (Personality Disorder Addiction.)