WD Fyfe

A Sideways Glare at Contemporary Society

Phone Apps We Actually Need


telephoneApple Unveils 4-inch Phone

Sweet Jesus!  If you have any mercy in your soul, please save us from yet another piece of useless electronic crap.  How many different phones do we need?  Enough is enough already!  Look, it doesn’t matter whether the iPhone SuperGalaxy S9 is two millimetres shorter than the SuperGalaxy S iPhone 17 or not.  It’s the same damn phone!  It runs the same Apps, streams the same brain-chewing videos and posts the same stupid bathroom mirror selfie to Instagram.  Newsflash!  Size doesn’t matter: it’s the same technology!  It’s time the scientific community pulled their thumbs out of their collective orifices and developed some Phone Apps that we, the people, actually need.

For example:

We need a Phone App that automatically calculates the calories in the Double Mountain Chocolate Mocha-Mocha Cake-a-Thon we just ordered for lunch.  It needs to sound an alarm, flash, buzz and in the voice of our hottest ex-girlfriend shout, “Put the fork down, you fat bastard!  No wonder I left you!” over and over again — until we leave the restaurant.

Or an App that remembers how many drinks we’ve had and, somewhere in the middle of four, automatically telephones our mother, our sister, both our grandmothers, our boss, the Archbishop of Canterbury and Alcoholics Anonymous — not necessarily in that order.

Or perhaps an App that measures the ass groove we’re binge-watching into the sofa and automatically shuts down Netflix until either the groove or our asses lose a couple of centimetres.

Or maybe an App that can analyze the guest lists of dinner and cocktail parties, calculate the exact moment we’re going to be bored out of our minds, and automatically phone the police to report a kidnapping.

And finally, the very best for last:

What about a Fitbit bracelet that not only programs our daily “Fitness Goals” but monitors our progress and, when we don’t achieve them, activates a Taser that zaps the shit out of us until we do?

These are things the world needs — not more pixels on itty bitty screens.

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5 comments on “Phone Apps We Actually Need

  1. Rob Alberts
    March 22, 2016

    It is my alarm, my agenda, my clock, sometimes my radio dut I do call it my dum foon.
    Okay, I do use it voor phone calls and texting.

    Today I went out without this device.
    Actually I had a wonderfull day.

    Beside the disturbing news about the terror bombing in Belgium.
    So what we really need is some Peace!

    Kind regards,

    • wdfyfe
      March 22, 2016

      Without my phone I’m totally lost — it has a better memory than I do. Terrible news out of Belgium. cheers

  2. Rustic Recluse
    March 22, 2016

    Yeah I couldn’t figure the hoo-ha about the new phone. Your proposed apps sound good. How about more – I need one to tell me how many drinks we’ve had, measured against the consumer’s moods. If happy, you pass to take another. If unhappy, you’re banned. Definitely don’t want a sobbing face around the table.

  3. Claudette
    March 22, 2016

    Like your app ideas – better patent them before a technogeek creates them. 🙂 As for mobile phones, I’d rather go back to telegrams (way before my time) – at least that way we might actually pay attention to our surroundings.

    • wdfyfe
      March 23, 2016

      Unfortunately, i’m lost without my phone. But there is a certain elegance about telegrams.

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This entry was posted on March 22, 2016 by in Humor, Humour, Popular Culture, Social Comment and tagged , , , , .
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