Everybody has that one friend who is just one step faster, funnier and wittier than everybody else. These are the people who turn ordinary conversations into playgrounds. For example:
If you don’t like somebody, lend them $100.00 — you’ll never see them again.
Life is short; smile while you still have teeth.
The human body is 60% water — so we’re actually all just cucumbers with anxiety.
At times, I’m grateful my thoughts don’t appear as bubbles over my head.
Whenever you do something stupid, remember there are tons of people still wandering around looking for Pokemon.
I wish everything was as easy as getting fat.
I never finish anyth…..
I’m taking care of my procrastination problems: just you wait and see.
I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.
You think I’m crazy now? Wait until I get out of this strait-jacket.
Sometimes, I look up at the stars and think, “Wow! I love peeing outside.”
When asked to guess anybody’s “spirit animal,” I always say “jackass.” Making friends is hard.
Being out of your mind is between you and your mind.
People who judge other people always have job security.
Somebody else’s therapist knows all about you.
When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped in the body of a woman. Then I was born.
I’m so horny I’m going to buy a plane ticket — just to get the airport security pat down.
The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife has started to have sex with me because she can’t afford batteries.
Sex is like cooking: everybody can do it, but only the very few make it delicious.