Best Jokes — 2019

jokes

What the hell’s going on?  It’s Friday the 13th, a couple of days ago there was a full moon, last Sunday we changed the clocks and now I found out some idiot bought all the toilet paper.  If I wasn’t a man of science, I would think Mother Nature is conspiring against her children.  She’s not.  Remember, we survived SARS in 2003, Bird Flu in 2005 and Swine Flu in 2009 ….  Hey!  Do I detect a pattern, here??  Anyway, I’m confident we’ll survive, but unfortunately I think the road’s going to get a little rocky.  So, in the interests of smoothing out the journey, here are the best jokes of the 2019 Edinburgh Fringe Festival.  Sit back, relax and have a laugh.  It can’t hurt.

What do I want played at my funeral?  Rugby! – Goodbear

My girlfriend and I are saving up for a mortgage, but it isn’t going very well – because sadly, all of our grandparents are still alive. – Matt Richardson

People say having kids is the best thing in the world, but you only ever hear that from the victims. – Abbie Murphy

I suppose lesbian sex is a bit like cricket, in that it goes on forever and there’s a lot of men watching it at home, alone, on the Internet. – Catherine Bohart

In his job, my dad’s never lost a case.  That makes him Gatwick’s top baggage handler. – Glenn Moore

Apparently, smoking cannabis can affect your short term memory.  Well it that’s true, what do you think smoking cannabis does? – Mickey P. Kerr

Gay conversion camps try to make gay people into straight people using theatre.  That’s like a fat camp using Korean Barbeque. – Sam Morrison

Did you know the word “Ikea” is actually made up of two Swedish words?  “Ika,” meaning Sunday and “Keya,” meaning f***ing ruined. – The Scummy Mummies

My mate came second in a Winston Churchill lookalike competition.  He was close, but no cigar. – Goose

I’ve tried online dating.  If you told me a year ago I’d be on a dating app, my wedding planner would’ve been furious. – Juliette Burton

Someone once said to me “Billie, you are so pretentious.” I think it was Jean Paul Sartre.  Or it could’ve been the Dalai Lama, I forget. – Billie Trix

Children are like sponges – in that they smell weird and they’re always a bit damp. – Lucy Frederick

I got asked the other day if I liked the music of Ariana Grande, which surprised me as I thought that was a type of coffee. – Joey Page

Someone stole my antidepressants.  Whoever they are, I hope they’re happy. — Richard Stott

A thesaurus is great.  There’s no other word for it. – Ross Smith

Crime in a multi-storey car park.  That is wrong on so many different levels. – Tim Vine

I picked up a hitchhiker.  You’ve got to when you hit them. – Emo Philips

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg.  I thought, “This could be interesting.” – Paddy Lennox

I’m sure wherever my dad is; he’s looking down on us.  He’s not dead, just very condescending. – Jack Whitehall

I’ve given up asking rhetorical questions.  What’s the point? – Alexei Sayle

I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died … which was lucky, because he stepped on a land mine. – Olaf Falafel

Whenever someone says, “I don’t believe in coincidences,” I say, OMG! Me neither.” – Alasdair Beckett-King

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark? – Adam Hess

Why is it old people say, “There’s no place like home,” yet when you put them in one … — Stuart Mitchell

I often confuse Americans and Canadians … by using long words. – Gary Delaney

And finally:  Three of my favourites that didn’t make the cut.

I hate it when you see your girlfriend with another man and you can’t say anything about it cuz you’re with your wife and kids.

I hate it when you’ve just broken up with your boyfriend and you can’t explain why you’re so sad … to your husband.

I hate it when you know your husband’s cheating on you cuz he said he spent the weekend fishing with his best friend Jerry and you know he didn’t … cuz Jerry was in bed with you all weekend.

By The Numbers!

numbers

You wouldn’t know it to look at me, but I’m a numbers nerd.  That’s right!  Unlike everybody else I know, I didn’t get the numbers kicked out of me in school.  Yeah, algebra was a pain in the ass, and I’ve never used it since Mr. Wells ruled the halls of Kitsilano High, but I still love its symmetry.  The thing is numbers never fail, yet they remain as mysterious as the Sphinx.  For example, nobody, not even Watson (the Uber computer) can calculate Pi (π) but it still delivers the area of a circle every time. (Not that anybody has a burning need to know that – but it’s pretty cool.)  Actually, when I was a starving student at university, I used to play with numbers to win drinks.  I must confess that when you’re sipping hops with wannabe poets and Jane Austen fans, it was like shooting fish in a barrel, but … free beer is free beer … and I still don’t feel guilty.

Here are two bits of numerical magic that I remember.  (There were more.)  One of them has only failed once, and the other hasn’t failed yet.  Play along (be honest and no googling) and I’ll bet you a beer that — wherever you are in the world — my mastery over the telepathic power of numbers will let me know your answers.  And I’ll prove it at the end.

1 – Take the 8 digits of your birthday (DD – MM – YYYY) and write them down.
Scramble the numbers any way you like and write that down.
Subtract the smaller number from the larger one.
Place a 9 either at the beginning or the end of your answer.
Add all the numbers together until you get a single digit.
Subtract 6
Multiply by 41.
Regardless of what day you were born I already know the answer.

2 — Think of any 4 digit number.
Multiply it by 9.
Take the answer and add all the numbers together.
Place a 9 either at the beginning or the end of your answer.
Add all the numbers together again until you get a single digit.
Subtract 5.
Using the method 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, 4=D, 5=E, 6=F, etc. find the letter your number represents.
Think of a European country that starts with your letter.
Take the last letter of the country, and think of an animal that begins with that letter.
Take the last letter of the animal, and think of a fruit that begins with that letter.
If you did the puzzle in English, I already know your answers.

pi

Numerical Magic One

If you’re under 100 years old, the answer is 123.  (I used it as the graphic.)

Numerical Magic Two

Your answers were Denmark, kangaroo and orange.

Somebody owes me a beer!

The Wit And Wisdom …

Everybody has that one friend who is just one step faster, funnier and wittier than everybody else.  These are the people who turn ordinary conversations into playgrounds.  For example:

If you don’t like somebody, lend them $100.00 — you’ll never see them again.

Life is short; smile while you still have teeth.

The human body is 60% water — so we’re actually all just cucumbers with anxiety.

At times, I’m grateful my thoughts don’t appear as bubbles over my head.

Whenever you do something stupid, remember there are tons of people still wandering around looking for Pokemon.

I wish everything was as easy as getting fat.

I never finish anyth…..

I’m taking care of my procrastination problems: just you wait and see.

I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.

You think I’m crazy now?  Wait until I get out of this strait-jacket.

Sometimes, I look up at the stars and think, “Wow! I love peeing outside.”

When asked to guess anybody’s “spirit animal,” I always say “jackass.”  Making friends is hard.

Being out of your mind is between you and your mind.

People who judge other people always have job security.

Somebody else’s therapist knows all about you.

When I was younger, I felt like a man trapped in the body of a woman.  Then I was born.

I’m so horny I’m going to buy a plane ticket — just to get the airport security pat down.

The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife has started to have sex with me because she can’t afford batteries.

Sex is like cooking: everybody can do it, but only the very few make it delicious.

(Thanks, Marty!)baby