Hang on to your bonnet, baby, because I’ve uncovered a massive international conspiracy. Unfortunately, I’m such a total coward I’m too scared to name names, but I have evidence that powerful covert forces are at work — even as we speak. These shadowy figures are grimly determined to totally suck the joy out of every aspect of human life! Their nefarious goal is to turn every one of us into miserable Neo-Puritans, just as riddled with guilt and apprehension as they are. And the problem is it looks as if they’re succeeding. Check it out:
Remember when holidays were a time to take a moment, have some fun, relax and recharge the batteries? Buckle up ’cause those days are over. These days, holidays are a battleground. Look at Hallowe’en! Every costume comes with a ferocious debate. Columbus Day? Chris would have been better off sailing the other way. Valentine’s Day is a minefield of who got missed in the sexual orientation parade, and Christmas? Just forget it — between the Christmas-is-too-commercial crew and the anti-Christian lobby, even Santa Claus has tossed in the towel. No, special occasions are a good time to keep your head down, and, just to be on the safe side, lie about your birthday on Facebook.
Have you ever wondered what happened to junk food? Think about it! One minute we’re chowin’ down on cheeseburgers, fries and a Coke, happy as clams. The next thing we know, it’s all 90 calorie, gluten-free, low sodium, Tai Chi chicken salad. Whoa! The point of junk food is … it’s junk! It’s supposed to be bad for you! Going to McDonald’s for a salad is like going to a whore for a hug — why bother?
Junk Food? Not gone, but smothered in guilt.
Did you know there are historical records which categorically prove that sex is supposed to be messy? That’s right! It involves all manner of mouth-breathing, involuntary twitches and tensions, grinding, groaning, gripping and sticky stuff. Orgasm, for most of human existence, was a noun not a verb (the verb was a lot more folksy) and for thousands of millennia, humans had body hair — and it wasn’t icky. The antiseptic procedures most people practice these days are designed to tear the soul out of sex and make it just one more hyper-allergenic reward challenge of “the relationship.”
The Joy of Sex? Replaced by I’m not sure what. . . .
And we all know what “relationships” are — they’re the long-winded workaholics idea of love slowly drowning in an ocean of issues and dialogue — until finally, totally fed up, even the dog’s had enough and wants to end it.
Love? Dissolved away like sugar in the rain.
It was the original Puritans who banned Christmas, discouraged poetry, art and music. They also got rid of theatre, dance and comedy. They believed that life was a grim business and that they knew what was best for everybody. Our contemporary puritans are a lot sneakier but just as grim — and just as certain of their own infallibility. They’re definitely dedicated to stomping out fun, excitement and humour. They scare the hell out of me and I tend to keep a low profile whenever they’re around. However, on a totally unrelated matter, have you ever noticed that hipsters, university students and new parents never smile? I wonder why!