I know it’s nearly the end of January, and we’re firmly in the grasp of 2017. I know you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube and that bitching about the past is about as effective as a blind man at a Victoria’s Secret fashion show. And I know I’m not the only one fed up with hearing what an Anno Horribilis 2016 was. BUT, 2016 was an Anno Horribilis — a great big bad anno horribilis — and, dead horse or no, I’m not done kicking it. Here are a few things that came out of 2016 that I want to see shot in the head and buried in the backyard.
Pumpkin Spice — Way back in the day, when it was a once-a-year Starbuck’s flavour, pumpkin spice was cool. Then it became the new Nutella, and now it’s everywhere like the culinary equivalent of The Walking Dead.
Water bottle flip — First of all, why is everybody carrying a water bottle as if they live on a dirt ranch in Death Valley? And secondly, who did this flip thing the first time and thought it was an accomplishment?
Finger/mouth Selfies — The Duckface selfie might not have killed it, but the war continues as grown women are taking pictures of themselves sticking their fingers in their mouths like petulant children in a massive effort to destroy sexy forever.
Snapchat filters — When you were 12? … maybe.
Pokemon GO — Actually, I would have liked to see this one hang around for a while.
Mannequin Challenge — Unlike that cold water thing from 2014, nobody benefits from a bunch of folks standing around pretending they have a stick up their ass.
Gourmet Toast — Oh, for God’s sake! It’s called leftover pizza, and it’s been around for years.
Hipster Food Presentation — Serving food in a jar, wrapped in burlap or on the hubcaps of a ’64 Ford is a good way to ruin a meal — and an appetite — at the same time.
Zucchini Noodles — Some things are just wrong.
Chokers – A 19th century fashion statement that swept the neighbourhood in the 1990s. Now, it’s back, and whiplash has become fashionable again.
Ripped Jeans — Another throwback fashion. I can’t wait to see what happens when these millionaire celebrities finally realize their designer jeans are being ripped by children in the sweatshops of Bangladesh. There’s some irony there.
Old Testament Beards on Athletes — I’m surprised more defensive linemen don’t just grab a handful and pull.
Politics — I and 7 billion other people on this planet are so totally pissed off with the infantile “I did not/you did so” brand of discourse from 2016 that we never want to hear this bullshit again. So, everybody, just shut up and let’s get on with it!