I’ve said “I love getting old” so many times that people think I’m being ironic. Folks, do I even look like a hipster? Don’t get me wrong: being young was fun. Wine, women and song: sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll — whatever you want to call it, being a young man in the 20th century was worth the price of puberty. However, there are some seriously cool perks available when you’ve lasted long enough to get north of 60, ’cause if you do it right, old people are just pre-schoolers with porno and alcohol privileges. Here’s what I mean:
1 — You get to complain. It’s not only allowed: it’s expected. It still doesn’t change anything, but damn it feels good!
2 — You get to wear comfortable clothes. I don’t know why (and this goes double for women) but fashionable clothes are always uncomfortable. They grab ya in the wrong place, hold things way too tightly and sneak into areas that really should remain private. I don’t have any personal experience, but a push-up bra and stiletto heels have got to be the worst.
3 — You’re never lazy. You can lie around all weekend in your (comfortable) sweat pants, eating pizza, drinking Pepsi, binge-watching Luther on Netflix — and nobody calls you on it! In fact, you get loads of sympathy. “Poor old fella! He’s got nothing to do. Awww!” Yeah, life’s a bitch. Pass the pepperoni.”
4 — People do things for you. They move out of the way, give you a seat on the bus, reach for the tall stuff, lift your heavy crap and set up your technology. It’s great! But use this power judiciously or young people will start avoiding you and, believe me, lonely and bitter is not a good way to go.
5 — You get a vocabulary. Luckily, even though life remains cool, brilliant, far out, awesome and amazing, you get better ways to describe it.
6 — Cool is a temperature. I have no idea how many Kardashians there are, who sings what song, where the Marvel Universe is at, what any of this year’s Must-See-TV programs are, or what what’s-her-name said about the evils of capitalism. When you’re young, if Jennifer Lawrence gets a boil on her bum, it’s big news. When you’re my age, you’ve seen enough boils and bums not to worry about it.
But the very best thing about getting old is:
7 — You finally understand the connection between elegant and sexy — and it’s got nothing to do with sex.