In the 21st Century, we worship children the way primitive tribes worship volcanoes — which, unfortunately, makes parents the mothers and fathers of gods. The irony is, of course, most parents got that way as a result of a drunken Christmas party, a back rub that got out of control or Ryan Gosling. And the truth is most parents think being a parent gives them permission to be a total pain in the ass. Here are Ten Pain In The Ass parents (plus one) I’m sure you’ll recognize.
Parents who take their kids everywhere — Sometimes people would prefer to enjoy a play, movie, concert, dinner or art gallery visit without your kid’s running commentary or relentless demands for juice. Why is “Adults Only” restricted to porn?
“Gifted” parents (Sometimes called “Holier-Than-Thou” parents) — These are the know-it-all parents who act as though Mother Nature has bestowed upon them the holy insight needed to raise the world’s first Perfect Child. You better save some money, folks, ’cause that perfect kid of yours is going to need years of therapy after you get through with him.
Parents of “gifted” children — Shut up! Shut up! SHUT UP! Just — shut — up!
Parents who think you’re stupid ’cause you’re not a parent — I don’t know how many times I’ve heard, “Well, you’re not a parent, so you don’t know anything about X.” This might be true. However, I’m not a helicopter pilot either, but if I see a helicopter in a tree, I know there’s something seriously wrong.
Paranoid parents — These are the parents who can’t come over to your house because you have a microwave, or stairs, or sharp corners on the furniture, or peanut butter in the cupboard, or electrical outlets, or dust, or flowers in the backyard, or … Jesus! Give it a rest! People! If your kid is that susceptible to the ordinary world, here’s a news flash: he’s not going make it.
Parents who think you’re interested in every little detail of their kid’s existence — My name isn’t grandpa. I don’t care when your kid walked, talked or did something messy in a pot — and neither does anybody else.
Foodie parents — These are the parents who will only feed their kid kale and quinoa harvested by indigenous Peruvians certified organic by the World Health Organization. This kinda crap is just abuse.
Parents who are always announcing how wonderful it is to be a parent — To re-coin a phrase, “Methinks the parent doth protest too much!”
Parents who are always bitching about their job — These are the people who are forever complaining about how difficult it is to be a parent. This might be true in Equatorial Africa, where nutrition, clean water and — uh — survival — are all optional. But, west of the Vistula, I don’t care how you tell it, getting your 4-year-old into his GapKids clothes to go to day care just isn’t that kind of epic human struggle — unless you’re doing it wrong.
Privileged parents — We’ve all met these jerks. They’re the parents who think because they have a 2-year-old, they’re Priority One on the world’s agenda. Here’s the deal: If your name is Cling Cling the Panda, then maybe — maybe — you and your kid get centre stage. But if it isn’t, you’re going to have to settle for ordinary — like the rest of us.
And my favourite:
Telephone parents — These are the parents who stick their phones in everybody’s face, making videos of their child as if she were a David Attenborough documentary. Yeah, it’s great recording memories, but you might wanna put the electronic device down every once in a while and actually look at your kid.