10 Pain In The Ass Parents (plus 1)

In the 21st Century, we worship children the way primitive tribes worship volcanoes — which, unfortunately, makes parents the mothers and fathers of gods.  The irony is, of course, most parents got that way as a result of a drunken Christmas party, a back rub that got out of control or Ryan Gosling.  And the truth is most parents think being a parent gives them permission to be a total pain in the ass.  Here are Ten Pain In The Ass parents (plus one) I’m sure you’ll recognize.


Parents who take their kids everywhere — Sometimes people would prefer to enjoy a play, movie, concert, dinner or art gallery visit without your kid’s running commentary or relentless demands for juice.  Why is “Adults Only” restricted to porn?

“Gifted” parents (Sometimes called “Holier-Than-Thou” parents) — These are the know-it-all parents who act as though Mother Nature has bestowed upon them the holy insight needed to raise the world’s first Perfect Child.  You better save some money, folks, ’cause that perfect kid of yours is going to need years of therapy after you get through with him.

Parents of “gifted” children — Shut up!  Shut up!  SHUT UP!  Just — shut — up!

Parents who think you’re stupid ’cause you’re not a parent — I don’t know how many times I’ve heard, “Well, you’re not a parent, so you don’t know anything about X.”  This might be true.  However, I’m not a helicopter pilot either, but if I see a helicopter in a tree, I know there’s something seriously wrong.

Paranoid parents — These are the parents who can’t come over to your house because you have a microwave, or stairs, or sharp corners on the furniture, or peanut butter in the cupboard, or electrical outlets, or dust, or flowers in the backyard, or … Jesus! Give it a rest!  People!  If your kid is that susceptible to the ordinary world, here’s a news flash: he’s not going make it.

Parents who think you’re interested in every little detail of their kid’s existence — My name isn’t grandpa.  I don’t care when your kid walked, talked or did something messy in a pot — and neither does anybody else.

Foodie parents — These are the parents who will only feed their kid kale and quinoa harvested by indigenous Peruvians certified organic by the World Health Organization.  This kinda crap is just abuse.

Parents who are always announcing how wonderful it is to be a parent — To re-coin a phrase, “Methinks the parent doth protest too much!”

Parents who are always bitching about their job — These are the people who are forever complaining about how difficult it is to be a parent.  This might be true in Equatorial Africa, where nutrition, clean water and — uh — survival — are all optional.  But, west of the Vistula, I don’t care how you tell it, getting your 4-year-old into his GapKids clothes to go to day care just isn’t that kind of epic human struggle — unless you’re doing it wrong.

Privileged parents — We’ve all met these jerks.  They’re the parents who think because they have a 2-year-old, they’re Priority One on the world’s agenda.  Here’s the deal:  If your name is Cling Cling the Panda, then maybe — maybe — you and your kid get centre stage. But if it isn’t, you’re going to have to settle for ordinary — like the rest of us.

And my favourite:

Telephone parents — These are the parents who stick their phones in everybody’s face, making videos of their child as if she were a David Attenborough documentary.  Yeah, it’s great recording memories, but you might wanna put the electronic device down every once in a while and actually look at your kid.

Shouting in Frustration about Back-to-School Stress!

The problem with writing blogs is you can’t shout.  All the words on the page get the same weight; none of them stand up before God and everybody, throw their heads back and holler, “What the hell is going on here?”  So, all you can do is delicately present what you know to be true and hope at least one person pays attention.  It’s frustrating work, but somebody’s got to do it.  Either that or we’re all going to end up sliding down some cosmic bunny hole and the Red Queen’ll be calling the shots.  This is one of those times when something is so messed up I just wish I could scream from this page.

What I am about to tell you is absolutely true.  No sane person could possibly make any of this up.

Recently, Angus Reid, those annoying people who always phone exactly at dinner time, conducted a poll.   They wanted to know — and many people told them — if kids were getting anxious about going back to school.  Easy question, simple answer: “My kid’s eight.  How hard can this be?”  Not so fast!  Apparently, 42% of children are not only anxious about it, they’re stressed right out.  Forty two percent!  That’s nearly half!  And that’s the national average!  Where I live, the percentage goes up to 47!  I’m running out of exclamation marks!!   Can you believe this?  I have no idea about the methodology of the poll — who responded, what the questions were etc.  However, I do know one thing, without even looking: Angus Reid didn’t talk to one single kid.  If they had, that 42% would have dropped to practically nothing – 4% max.   And that’s what makes this poll so scary.

Here’s what’s actually going on.  Angus Reid talked to parents and nationwide, 42% of those people who answered the online survey have no business having children.  They’re unfit parents.  Either that or they’re so ego-blasted on 80s entitlement that they don’t realize those munchkins who show up for breakfast every morning are their responsibility — they’re not just there to make adult life miserable.  Regardless, somebody should call social services immediately because these parents are not doing their job.  Let me explain.

First of all, ordinary kids do not come by stress naturally – especially in North America.  They just don’t.  Yes, I’m sure there’s anecdotal evidence to the contrary.  There’s probably some little person out there somewhere whose dad is a crack addict and whose mom’s doing covert ops in Afghanistan or something, but that’s not the norm, and that’s my whole point.  Stress comes from extraordinary circumstances.  Normal, everyday life does not cause stress.  If it did, we’d all be renting condos in the Valley of the Loons.  Besides (and I’m pretty sure about this, also) kids haven’t bought into the extra curriculars of life yet — things like mortgages, car payments, a rat-faced, inconsiderate boss or an idiot spouse who answers surveys.  They only get stuff like that from parents who are contagious.  These are adults who haven’t made the simple connection that kids can’t fully handle a lot of information yet.  They haven’t figured out there are ways of sharing life’s little difficulties with a nine-year-old — without freaking him out.  Unfortunately, most inhabitants of the 21st century think stress is a natural condition.  So, when it comes to their children, they treat it like an accomplishment that should be passed along.  Stress is taught in the home like sharing your toys or tying your shoes.  And when it shows its ugly little head, it’s rewarded with lots of close personal parental attention.

Next, kids go to school.  That’s normal.  It’s what they do, and they do it for years.  It’s like the cycle of the seasons to primitive tribes.  They measure their little lives by it.  Every September is a rite of passage – another rung in the ladder to adulthood.  I know people who haven’t been near a school in a generation, but the rhythm of their childhood is so ingrained that they still think of Labour Day as a kind of Everyman’s New Year.  And here’s another newsflash: despite what they’ve been conditioned to tell you, kids love it.  Why?  ‘Cause kids are sponges.  They soak up everything around them and process it.  Everything is new and exciting.  Electricity and magic carry the same weight with them because they don’t know the difference yet.  Every piece of knowledge is a mighty discovery.    And there’s no better place to quench that thirst than at school.  It’s the one place whose sole purpose is to explore the world and get in touch with all kinds of new stuff.  This isn’t just confined to the classroom, either; the socialization of recess or lunchtime friendships are just as important.  Children keep this sense of wonder for years — until it’s kicked out of them by inept and preoccupied adults.  Find a kid who says, “Been there; done that.” and you’re doing something wrong.

Finally, kids are tough little beasts.  They’re made to withstand the harsh realities of growing up.  Here’s how it goes: take away an adult’s most cherished dream and you run the risk of destroying their ego, their joy, their purpose — for life.  On the other hand, tell a kid that Santa Claus is…well… kind of a spiritual thing, and it might set them back for a day or two but pretty soon they’re on to the next adventure.  Kids face the Santa Claus type discovery over and over, year after year, and the vast majority of them shake it off and keep on moving.

Parents who see signs of back-to-school anxiety in their kids are looking in the wrong places.  Either that or they’ve already conditioned their children to be timid and needy.  Kids naturally look forward to a new school year just because it is new: it’s exciting, it’s more and different and part of that bigger life they’re growing into.  Parents who don’t understand this and foster it are raising a generation of young people made of spun sugar, so breakable that every bump in their future mundane lives is going to be a setback, an injury or an occasion for angst and foreboding.  These parents are stealing the wonder from innocent lives and they ought be ashamed.  I’d like to grab that 42% by the collective collar, get right in their face and shout, “Stop it!” but I can’t.  I just wish I could.