It’s an unfortunate symptom of the 21st century, but people have “relationships.” God, I hate that word! Personally, I think being too chicken for la petite folie de l’amour is one of the biggest problems in our world, but who am I to judge? So, in keeping with these troubled times, here are 4 things you should never — NEVER — do when you are in a “relationship.” (FYI, this goes double if you actually have the good sense to be in love!)
1 — When you’re on vacation with your girlfriend, NEVER kneel down to tie your shoes. Seriously, you’re better off tripping on the laces and breaking your neck. Think about it — weekend getaway, dinner for two, bottle of wine, starry night (maybe a moon) — you’re walking back to the hotel and you say, “Just a minute, honey,” and get down on one knee. Partner, you better have at least two carats hiding in your sock (and not orange ones, either) or you just pulled the biggest dick-move in history and she will brand you with it for life. And, BTW, if you do this in Paris, stand up, turn around, walk briskly to the Seine and throw yourself in.
2 — NEVER answer the question, “Do these jeans make me look fat? You’re in a lose/lose situation, friend. She’s already doing the over the shoulder ass-check in the mirror (not the best angle) and has decided they do — or she wouldn’t ask. So, you can say no and she’ll hear you lying to her (whether you are or not) and somehow conclude she can never believe you again. Or you can say yes and she will hear that you’ve just declared, before God and everybody, that you think she’s a two-legged Hungry-Hungry-Hippo. The choice is yours, but I’d poke my eyes out with a pencil before I’d get trapped into that one.
3 — NEVER, under any circumstances (even if they hold a gun to your head) admit you think another living, breathing human being is hot. This includes your brother-in-law, your attorney, the garbage man, Zac Efron, Batman, Mr. Johal (your son’s math teacher) Freddie from 6th grade and Susan Horstnagel (the blonde chick from Accounting.) No good will come of this. This kind of information will turn even the most caring/sharing metro-sexual male into Cro-Magnon man. It will ignite a low-level testosterone conflict (“pissin’ contest” is so crude) between your guy and every man you’ve ever met. Plus, poor Ms. Horstnagel will take centre stage on some deep-dish fantasies that used to be reserved for the pages of Penthouse Letters.
4 — NEVER get the name wrong during sex. NEVER!