I know dis-remember is not a word (hyphenated or otherwise) but it should be. We all know the stuff we learned growing up is true. It has to be. It got us this far. However, as comfortable adults, we tend to forget those little life lessons and just go with the flow. These days that means trying to navigate between the 1,001 feel-good flavours of Facebook and that horde of snarling Twitter trolls who are always out for blood. It’s a dangerous journey — go too far one way and you’ll die of sugar shock; go too far the other and they’ll tear you to ribbons. So, here are a few things most of us have dis-remembered over the years but that we all need — just to keep an even keel in this world.
Saying You’re Sorry Doesn’t Actually Do Anything — There are tons of people who believe “sorry” is a universal talisman that cures all evil. It isn’t. In fact, most times it’s just a quick and dirty way for people to apologize themselves out from underneath any responsibility — after the fact. Try this simple experiment. Step on a bug. Now, say you’re “sorry.” Who feels better? You or the bug?
It’s Not Illegal To Say Yes — Here in the 21st century, it’s hard to believe — but pessimism is not the natural order of things. Sometimes good stuff does happen in our world, and there’s nothin’ we can do about it! People who are constantly trying to find the dark cloud surrounding the silver lining are not profound; they’re just intellectually lazy.
Everybody Is Judgemental And Anyone Who Says They Aren’t Is Lying — We all judge; that is the natural order of things. We assess our surroundings — from the woman who looks like Home Depot did her makeup to the guy who walks as if he’s got a stick stuck somewhere uncomfortable — and we catalogue the results. The bottom line is the only creature on this planet who’s never going to judge you is your dog, so if you can’t function without unconditional support, buy a good bra and orthopedic shoes.
There’s Always A Dick Out There Somewhere — On the day you discover you can walk on water, there’s definitely going to be somebody who wants to talk about why you can’t swim!
But I’ve saved the best for last:
The Human Body Has A Best Before Date — Despite what cosmetic companies, fitness companies and a few of our vainer friends tell us, at some point we’re all going to lose our battle with gravity. Eventually, the good bits of even the hottest body all start their journey back to Mother Earth — with various saggy, baggy results. Just because our culture is psychotically obsessed with youth, there’s nothing wrong with that. We all need to remember: the best any of us is ever going to do is surrender slowly.