Idiots and the Internet are always yipping about how every person on the planet is different and we’re all unique in our own way. What a load of trash! There are only six types of people in this world. There might be a lot of combinations and some subtle variations, but in the end, there are really only six. And they are:
I’m a lover — You never know where you stand with these people. They love everything! If you invited them to dinner and serve mud, they say “OMG! This is the best mud I’ve ever had. Can you please, please, please give me your recipe?” These folks are so cheerful you just want to swat them. And you know — YOU KNOW — they go home at night, wipe that painted smile off their face and throw things at the cat.
I’m a fighter — These are people who are never actually pissed off, but they’re never actually happy, either. They exist in a kind of twilight zone of irritation. They’re always pointing out things that bother them — from the guy in the elevator who smelled like fish to the size of Kylie Minogue’s teeth. They get a lot of traffic tickets — “for no reason” and constantly talk about what they’re going to do to their boss, their neighbours or their in-laws the next time they step out of line. These people who are always looking for a fight, but they never quite get there.
I have a problem — These are the people who walk the Earth in a state of perpetual difficulty. They’re constantly being set upon by unusual circumstances and have only one coping mechanism — “I just got screwed!” When they file their income tax, the paperwork always gets lost. When they go to the doctor, she can never figure out what’s wrong with them. There’s usually a vague legal situation looming in the background and some kind of financial problem that never gets fixed. These folks spend their entire lives “running a little late” because they can’t find their keys, a cab, their phone, their kids, the TV remote or … God, the list just goes on and on and on!
You have a problem — These are the folks who think personal responsibility is something other people need to understand. They play the Blame Game like it’s an Olympic event — and they’re goin’ for the Gold! It’s not that they’re never wrong; it’s just that there is always somebody, somewhere, who’s wronger than they are.
I’m smarter than you — There are two kinds of “I’m smarter than you” people. There are the obvious ones who let you know right away, and then there are the other assholes. They’re the ones who wait in the weeds until you make a mistake and then leap up and tell you exactly what you should have done and, more importantly, what they would have done if only they’d been in charge.
I’m a selfish bastard — Ironically, these are the best people to have as friends, colleagues and romantic partners. First of all, they hang around because they want to. Secondly, they have no hidden agenda (selfish bastards!) Thirdly, by definition you’re never going to be disappointed in them and finally, the biggie: when they do something nice — they actually mean it.