I don’t believe in Time Travel. And I don’t give a rat’s ass what Einstein, Carl Sagan and Dr. Who have to say about it!
Time travel is the unicorn of our human experience: everybody’s heard of it and can describe it in vivid detail, but there’s not one shred of tangible evidence to prove it actually exists. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Theories of Quantum Physics, or mechanics, or some other mumbo-jumbo say it could happen, but … my mother said if I skipped stones down the alley, I’d put somebody’s eye out. Yeah, right! Besides, most of the folks spouting these theories are basement dwellers who spend tons of time watching The Space Channel but haven’t quite got around to finishing Junior College.
If – IF? – time travel does exist, then I have a few questions — and none of them has anything to do with Flux Capacitors.
1 — How come we’re not up to our elbows in antique dealers? There should be an army of futuristic entrepreneurs — marching around, buying everything from rotary phones to can openers in our time, taking them back home and cashing in.
2 — Why didn’t somebody go back to Germany, 1933 and zap Adolf Hitler? Okay, some place in the future, a bunch of guys are sitting around a bar, having a few adult beverages and putting on the brag. I simply can’t believe that, in all the years of future history, not one of them — ever – will stand up and say, “Hey, hold my beer … I’m gonna go prevent World War II!”
3 — How come every person who claims to be a time traveler – isn’t? We live in a world where, if you stumble on a curb, it’s upload to Instagram, Snapchat and YouTube — in seconds! It beggars disbelief that somebody wandering around, looking like an extra from Star Trek, would go unnoticed.
4 – How come future gamblers aren’t winning every lottery, Keno game and sports bet on the planet? I’m pretty sure criminals in the future would think of this. Biff did.
But I’ve saved the best for last:
5 – Why aren’t historical events overflowing with time-travelling tourists? I have a friend who would love to have seen the premiere of Hamlet – and she’s not the only one. Imagine what kind of an audience you’d get for the Gettysburg Address, the Signing of the Magna Carta, or Columbus’ first foot in the New World? And it’s not a one off: it’s time travel! People could go every week – generation after generation! Logically, there should be a couple of million people hanging out watching Da Vinci paint Mona — or waiting in line to witness the Wright brothers “slip the surly bonds of earth” at Kitty Hawk.