Some People Are …

People are wonderful creatures.  They come in infinite varieties, and just when you think you’ve got them figured out, they come up with something completely different and surprise you.  It’s no wonder so many psychiatrists need therapy.  I’ve studied people (informally) most of my life, and I’ve arrived at a few interesting conclusions.

Some people are not supposed to swear.  I’m not talking about nuns or like that; I’m talking about the folks who don’t get it right.  The ones who are trying way too hard to sound badass, and it just comes out weird.  It’s as if they saw the words in a book and looked up the pronunciation.  (Adding the final “g” is always a dead giveaway.)

Some people stink.  No, not poor personal hygiene — that’s different.  These are the folks who apply fragrance like it’s a contest.  The ones who leave that tinny taste in your mouth when they walk past you.

Some people can’t tell a good story.  They start off alright, but then they wander all over the place, trying to explain every detail.  So, what begins as a quick-and-dirty about getting caught in the cat-door fades away — finally — ten minutes later, somewhere in Michigan, riding in Uncle Benny’s green ’82 Pontiac.

Some people shouldn’t be allowed to drink.  Sad people, angry people, touchy/feely people, people who cry a lot, but mostly those people who have one glass of wine and act like they’re auditioning for a Seth Rogen movie.

Some people shouldn’t be parents.  We all know who those people are.

Some people work for the government.  These are the people who know all the rules, what documents you need and what forms you have to fill out, but they take a perverse pleasure in keeping all that information a secret for as long as possible.

Some people don’t own a mirror.  There’s no other logical explanation.  Why would anybody (who can see themselves) go out in public wearing an electric-pink angora sweater, matching hat, Daisy Duke short shorts and lumberjack work boots?

But my favourite is:

Some people aren’t all that smart.  This isn’t a problem; it’s just a fact.  The problem is the rest of us are too scared to mention it because of — uh — Stupid Shaming? — or some other such nonsense.  The result is the world is full of stupid people, running around saying and doing stupid stuff, and the rest of us all have to act like we don’t notice.

Originally written in 2017, and nope – nothing’s changed!

The Final Days? (2019)

Final Days

There is growing speculation that we are living in The Final Days and our society is slowly collapsing under the weight of our own decadent excesses.  I’m not so sure that our world is doomed, but … look around.  Every day there’s evidence that many of us are making some seriously sorry choices.  The problem is our benevolent society has created a cornucopia of attitudes that we all believe we’re entitled to – even though they have no intrinsic value.  In other words, we’re wasting our time and energy on crap that doesn’t matter and believe nothing should stand in the way of our self-indulgence.  Here are just four examples from the last couple of weeks – you decide!

Grumpy Cat is dead.  For those of you who never knew he was alive, Grumpy Cat was a cat who – uh — looked grumpy.  Apparently, this is enough to merit celebrity status in the 21st century, and a million dollar income, as well.  Go figure!  Anyway, officially, he died of a urinary tract infection, but I wonder if he’d just gotten curious about who was spending all the money he was generating.

A woman in Saskatoon, Canada decided she wanted to preserve her husband’s tattoos after he died.  (Icky – but to each his own!)  The thing that blows me away, though, is there’s a company in Cleveland, Ohio called Save My Ink Forever that actually does this sort of thing.  They will take your dead loved one, surgically remove the tattoo (think about that!) and frame it.  I get creeped out when somebody has an urn on the mantel.  I can’t imagine looking over and seeing a hunk of skin with Aunt Meghan’s tramp stamp, hanging on the wall.

Some guy visiting Hawaii jumped over the guardrail and fell into a volcano.  One wonders why?  It’s not like he didn’t see the damn thing.  And I’m sure there were signs, like “Danger! Hot, boiling lava ahead!”  Plus, there was a guardrail.  Maybe he just thought the physical laws of the universe didn’t apply to him.  Regardless, after a daring rescue, the man was treated for serious burns but walked away.  Personally, I think somebody should slap the rescue crew for keeping this dumbass in the gene pool.

But my favourite is:

Game of Thrones is over, and more than a million people are pissed off about it.  Not that the show’s over, but that it didn’t end the way they wanted it to.  In fact, they’ve signed a petition demanding – DEMANDING! – that the entire last season not only be rewritten but re-filmed.  That’s not how it works, people.  You’re the audience; you don’t get a vote.  That’s like going to the Louvre and demanding somebody repaint the Mona Lisa because you don’t understand the smile.  I know our society is trying its best to outlaw disappointment, but this has taken entitlement to a whole new level.

Hashtag Dumbass!


Unfortunately, I’m losing my fear of nuclear holocaust, climate change and a global pandemic because I’m beginning to believe that long before any of these disasters befalls us, our society is going to implode under the weight of its own stupidity.  Let me explain.  I was waiting in a doctor’s office when I happened to read something stupid on Twitter.  No big deal, right?  However, I was bored, so I googled “stupid tweets” and faster than I could say, “OMG! You’re a moron!” I was swamped.  It turns out there are entire websites and YouTube channels (lots of them) devoted to Twitter idiots.  Who knew?  In less than 20 minutes, I gleaned what you see here, and I can’t imagine what I would have come up with if I had put some muscle into the research.  It really begs the question: Are these The Final Days?

Disclaimer: These have been heavily edited because our society a) can’t spell, b) wouldn’t know punctuation if it bit them on the bum and c) is obsessed with obscenities.

How big is the specific ocean?

What’s the capital of Africa?

What is Obama’s last name?  Does anybody even know?

If airplanes can fly, why don’t we just fly them to Mars and shit and quit wasting so much money on rockets?

How do I get YouTube to come and film me?  I do a lot of funny things, but I can’t find out where to message them to come and film me.

The Olsen twins are so awesome, and they’re sisters with the same birthday.  How cool is that?

This guy even got a reply
Is the iFold Tower in France?
It’s not the iFold Tower; it’s the Eyeful Tower, and it’s in Europe – dumbass!

When they filmed Jurassic Park, how did they get so close to the dinosaurs?  I don’t understand.  #confused

I’m pregnant.  Will my baby have all my tattoos?  #worried

I don’t like dolphins anymore.  Squirrels are my favourite reptile now.

I’m going to stay a virgin for my whole life — so I can set a good example for my children.

I ate so many cookies I think I’m going to die of beaties.

What kind of meat is lamb?  Beef or pork?  I’m not supposed to eat pork, so I need to know.

If Trump gets elected, I’m leaving America and moving to California.

We did 30 songs in 3 days – 75% written and 40% freestyle.

Why did that Facebook guy offer 3 billion to buy Snapchat when he could have just downloaded it from the App Store for free?

How does the water in a waterfall get back up to the top?

Why the hell did Benjamin Franklin have to invent lightning /:

Is NASA stupid?  Don’t they realize that every time they launch a shuttle, it puts a hole in the ozone layer which causes …

And as a bonus, a couple of celebrities:

Why are all the buildings in NYC standing straight up?  If earth is round, then some of the buildings would have a slight tilt.
Tila Tequila

Hello, Facebook.  Yes, this is actually Lindsay.  Welcome to my Facebook page.
Lindsay Lohan

And possibly the stupidest man on the planet.  (There were several Tweets to choose from.)

If we exhale more than we inhale, we feed the plants.  This will end world hunger.
Jaden Smith